Isolation, I feel stuck and like I am being blamed for being the 'bad person'..

[Happy Face]

Hi All,

I am new here and have been on the 'receiving end' of my sister's behaviour for years (she is 2 years my senior). She was diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago, she went to see the doctor after coming very close to badly hurting me physically. I used to be constantly on edge thinking when is more trouble from her coming my way, which would usually take the form of dragging me into her dramas with emotional blackmail or telling me awful lies (lies of them being abused by these persons in some form) about people which turned out to be clearly untrue a year or so down the line (at this point I would stop speaking to the person and then they would become friends with my sister... .this used to happen a lot - a way of isolating me).

Anyway, I have grown up with this behaviour from my mother (a milder version of my sister) so I know when a drama is about to explode and have slowly learned over the years I may be targeted because I am extremely empathic.  I have moved away from my home town, I live in a village where you need to drive to be able to get there (these two do not drive!) and I work a full-time job so I am kept busy.  This only gives them ammunition to try to make me feel guilty for living me life.

Anyhow things got worse and I met my half sister who is exactly the same and now I have three of them!

How do I totally breakaway without feeling guilty about leaving my nieces and nephews (my sisters tell me I have abandoned them when I don't go over!) and avoiding physical and emotional abuse from my sisters... .Any suggestions would be helpful.  I do feel if I do stop speaking to them, I risk running into them at some point later down the line where they could turn violent with me (they would not think twice about shouting, screaming at you in the street).  I don't want to feel like I cant make close relationships in case they are destroyed/manipulated by them.

I feel stuck and like I am being blamed for being the 'bad person' and that I am 'leaving them behind' I just cant be around their behaviour anymore.  How have people handled these situations, I know I need to be delicate because of their bad tempers.

PS. Thank you for reading.

[Panda39]

Hi Happy Face,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry you find yourself in the middle of 3 people with BPD/BPD Traits, you're out numbered!  Such a tough place to be.  I think moving and creating a physical boundary was definitely a good idea and you are not being a "bad person" for living your own life.  You are making some healthy choices for yourself.  (And I can hear you now thinking but that is so selfish of me... .I'm here to tell you it is not selfish it is self care  ).

I feel stuck and like I am being blamed for being the 'bad person' and that I am 'leaving them behind'... .

This kind of stuff is what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  We see this behavior often and it does take time to get out of the FOG, but I think it is really helpful to understand what is going on.  It makes it easier to take things less personally when you see this stuff for what it really is.

Here is a link to more on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

What kind of contact do you have with your mom and your sisters currently?  Do you see them often?  Phone calls/texts? Email?  We can certainly help you problem solve your interactions with them.

There are a lot of tools and strategies that we can try that are in between the way things are now and going full "no contact" with everyone if you are interested in giving them a try.  We can also have a conversation about no contact (NC) what that might look like if that is the route you choose to go.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  If not it might be something to consider, it can be really helpful to have that support in the real world to complement the support you get here.

I'm glad you've found us and decided to jump in and post.

Take Care 
Panda39

[Happy Face]

Hi Panda 39,

Thank you for your message.

I do still see my 'full' sister once a month/once every other month, I try to keep things 'nice' just so that I still have contact with my niece.  My half sister (who I have not known very long) has just stopped talking to me after sending me a message through Facebook which said something along the lines of:

'I do not feel loved and you do not make time for me or your other sister, how comes #### (my other sister) makes and effort and you do not'

This is untrue, I drove down (45 min drive) after work each week- two weeks to try to get to know them when I found out who they were and bought them all birthday and xmas presents etc.  It was still not enough and instead of showing gratitude they were constantly bad-mouthing other members of the family and trying to make me agree with them, which I never did.  This is when I spotted the situation was very similar to my 'full' sister who has been diagnosed with BPD and I backed off a bit (did not respond to all of the telephone calls just some and didn't go over every other week.  It is then I received the silent treatment and text message [the strange thing is this all happened within 12 weeks!].

My mother has a softer nature as she has got older but can still be fiery, she will leave messages on my phone saying that she feels lonely and why am I doing this to her (not picking up the phone and not seeing her as much) and constantly asking when am I going over.  As my mother is older I have noticed that my sister bullies her a bit, so I do try to see her once every three weeks and I do answer the phone when I can to her and reply to her voice messages etc when she sounds low/down.  I did look after her when my dad left and sorted all of her bills and debts etc out when I was 16 (she was depressed) - I left home at 21 five years later when I met my partner.

I did go through extreme anxiety for a period of about 4 years.  I got to the point where I could barely function in social situations so I went to see a cognitive hypnotherapist and I told her everything, since then I do not really suffer to that level with anxiety anymore but it still creeps in there now and again.

I have moved away and none of them know exactly where I live and have never been over (purposely), none of them know where I work exactly as the company I work for is extremely large with lots of offices.  However I am Facebook friends with my sisters and nephews/nieces but have restricted them so I do not see their 'family' posts on facebook.

I am concerned they will now ruin my relationships with my nieces and nephews (I have tried hard to let them know I love them and that I am here but they also love their mothers which makes it hard for me to keep a constant relationship).  Also, if I go for a longer period without seeing them they could 'join forces' now that they both speak to each other and make my life hell again.   

[Harri]

Hi Happy Face and welcome to the board!  I am glad Panda welcomed you and gave you the information on FOG.

The behaviors you describe from your sisters and mother are very confusing and hurtful.  There almost seems to be some group think going on there where people are sharing the same distorted beliefs and expectations.  It is difficult to emotionally separate as family is so close to home and some of the results can be long lasting or even dangerous (thinking about the physical abuse here).   In addition to FOG, the Understanding BPD Behaviors on the right hand side of the page leads to many more articles you may find applicable.  Again, like Panda said, understanding the behavior is more about helping you to detach emotionally and not take things so personally.  It sounds like you have done a lot of work on that already given that your anxiety levels are so much better after therapy but sometimes a bit of a tune-up can help.   

How old are your nieces and nephews?  Do not underestimate the positive effects the contact you have already had with them on their lives.  It would be great if you could continue seeing them and have a positive relationship with them but if it is not possible, you have already given them a stable, accepting and loving influence in their life.  Often there are ways you can work things so that you can still have limited contact (like what you are already doing) and still be a presence in the lives of the kids.  We just need to brainstorm and work things out and, again like Panda said, we can help you.

Good to have you here and I hope to read more from you.