Unnecessary drama

[Pico96]

Well, another drama scene created by my daughter with NBPD.
At a funeral wake, she had the nerve to come up to me and give me an air kiss. This was the day after she had told me once again that my grandsons were not allowed at my home (it has been 1 yr, with no reasons given).  I was so insulted by her hypocrisy.   I'm sure she wanted to look like the dutiful perfect daughter in public.  So I texted her and requested that she please refrain from giving me any kisses hello in public, as a kiss is a sign of love and respect, which she has clearly shown time and again she has none for me.   
5 days later she starts an argument with my mom over this.   Mom is 84 yrs old and so scared of completely losing my daughter, as they were very close before a few years ago.   Their relationship is strained since my mother sees that my daughter is seriously mentally ill but cannot approach the subject.   When anyone disagrees with my daughter, she just cuts them out of her life.
So in that conversation she tells my mother that her 11 yr old son doesn't want to see me anymore.   This I just can't believe.   He and I had a bond that I thought was unbreakable.   That's why she's not allowing them over.    I believe she is lying once again, as I have done nothing or said anything for him to say this.
She is using her children as means of control and I see the stress in their faces and actions.   They must be being brainwashed with her vile words about me.  I'm sick over it.
Not only has my father died, my husband died, but a year after my daughter severs her relationship with me she is turning her kids against me.   All these losses are just too much to bear.
I am seeing a counselor but I still am so broken hearted.
And I am so angry about all this.   It has been 20 years of disrespect from her and now this.   How unfair.   The anger I feel towards her has colored any feelings I have towards her and her illness.   To treat me this way, to treat my mother this way, to break up the whole extended family, to slander me to friends and relatives, to try to destroy me... .there are just no words for the contempt I feel for her right now.   I must sound horrible to all of you but I can't help what I feel.   I'm sick of it all.   The compassion and empathy and understanding I have had are gone.  Gone.   I just feel utter disgust for her actions.   I am ashamed she is my daughter.   She's 39 and acts 17 and the husband is the grand enabler and she has recruited the only 2 people on earth I have an issue with as her flying monkeys.   Those two people have not been in her life at all, have literally shunned her... .her father abandoned her 35 yrs ago and her stepsister wanted nothing to do with her for 24 yrs.   Now they're her posse.   Incredible.  Incredibly sick and twisted.
I want to write her off.   I want to act as if I have no daughter.   I want to move on and leave her behind.   But then I think of my grandsons.   And I don't even know if I will ever have a solid relationship with either one of them again either. 
I know I will never trust her again.   I know we will never have fun together again.  I know she is too far gone to ever be 'real' again.   It's sad, very sad.   But once again, I'm tired of being sad and grieving.   Grief for 20 yrs is enough.   That's how feel.   Enough is enough.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[10sisfun]

Well, another drama scene created by my daughter with NBPD.
At a funeral wake, she had the nerve to come up to me and give me an air kiss. This was the day after she had told me once again that my grandsons were not allowed at my home (it has been 1 yr, with no reasons given).  I was so insulted by her hypocrisy.   I'm sure she wanted to look like the dutiful perfect daughter in public.  So I texted her and requested that she please refrain from giving me any kisses hello in public, as a kiss is a sign of love and respect, which she has clearly shown time and again she has none for me.   
5 days later she starts an argument with my mom over this.   Mom is 84 yrs old and so scared of completely losing my daughter, as they were very close before a few years ago.   Their relationship is strained since my mother sees that my daughter is seriously mentally ill but cannot approach the subject.   When anyone disagrees with my daughter, she just cuts them out of her life.
So in that conversation she tells my mother that her 11 yr old son doesn't want to see me anymore.   This I just can't believe.   He and I had a bond that I thought was unbreakable.   That's why she's not allowing them over.    I believe she is lying once again, as I have done nothing or said anything for him to say this.
She is using her children as means of control and I see the stress in their faces and actions.   They must be being brainwashed with her vile words about me.  I'm sick over it.
Not only has my father died, my husband died, but a year after my daughter severs her relationship with me she is turning her kids against me.   All these losses are just too much to bear.
I am seeing a counselor but I still am so broken hearted.
And I am so angry about all this.   It has been 20 years of disrespect from her and now this.   How unfair.   The anger I feel towards her has colored any feelings I have towards her and her illness.   To treat me this way, to treat my mother this way, to break up the whole extended family, to slander me to friends and relatives, to try to destroy me... .there are just no words for the contempt I feel for her right now.   I must sound horrible to all of you but I can't help what I feel.   I'm sick of it all.   The compassion and empathy and understanding I have had are gone.  Gone.   I just feel utter disgust for her actions.   I am ashamed she is my daughter.   She's 39 and acts 17 and the husband is the grand enabler and she has recruited the only 2 people on earth I have an issue with as her flying monkeys.   Those two people have not been in her life at all, have literally shunned her... .her father abandoned her 35 yrs ago and her stepsister wanted nothing to do with her for 24 yrs.   Now they're her posse.   Incredible.  Incredibly sick and twisted.
I want to write her off.   I want to act as if I have no daughter.   I want to move on and leave her behind.   But then I think of my grandsons.   And I don't even know if I will ever have a solid relationship with either one of them again either. 
I know I will never trust her again.   I know we will never have fun together again.  I know she is too far gone to ever be 'real' again.   It's sad, very sad.   But once again, I'm tired of being sad and grieving.   Grief for 20 yrs is enough.   That's how feel.   Enough is enough.

To Pico96 and others.
I do meditation, it does help.  Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey are running a free 21 day guided meditation on the energy of attraction.
Follow this link if you are interested, it just started today so you need to be quick.
Welcome to Oprah & Deepak's 21-Day Meditation Experience
mailto:experience@chopracentermeditation.com
Thank you
10sisfun

[Feeling Better]

Hello Pico96

I can feel the sadness and the frustration in your post, my heart goes out to you. It’s bad enough trying to deal with someone who has BPD but when it impacts on other members of our family it is truly heartbreaking.

One of the things that was brought to my attention when I posted once about my mother and her relationship with my uBPD son was triangulation. I read up about it and realised that yes, I was in deed part of a drama triangle, I am wondering if that might also be the case with your daughter, your mom and you. I’m giving you the link here in case you’ve not already come across it:

Karpman Drama Triangle

Pico96, you are hurting so bad right now and understandably so after the way that you have been treated. You say that you are seeing a counsellor, that is excellent self care. May I ask what other things you do for self care, and what support do you currently have besides your counsellor?

We are here for you and look forward to hearing more from you x 

[Pico96]

I try to get into my garden as much as I can, which unfortunately hasn't been enough lately since the heat and humidity have been awful here.   And I'm painting my bedroom.   I socialize with friends, spend a lot of time with my mom.  I read and belong to a book club.   I also have another breakfast group of friends I meet.   
I have a very full life and I am very blessed to have the friends and family I have.   They have been so supportive.
I know about triangulation but I guess I can't figure out how knowing about it helps.   I have read so much on BPD but I imagine there is much more for me to learn as I continue to try to move forward.
I must admit though, my daughter broke my heart, and now she has begun to turn my eldest grandson against me, which just widens the crack.

[Blueskyday]

Ohh Pico,
firstly no one here will think badly of you for running out of empathy. Were human, we need love and acceptance and forgiveness.

How can we not feel rage and accept our daughters are mentally ill when the vile behaviour is targeting us and not everyone. This bit of the equation is a toughie.

I hear, feel and match your rage. I too am full of anger and sadness and loss. My Mother died, 8 months later the love of my life died in my arms. I was a mess and my dtr saw it all unfortunately. She has never really looked at me though. I am a thing to her. She will never forgive me for my failings and never grow up.

You got drawn in with the air kiss because you were at a funeral. You reacted... Its hard not to react. Forgive yourself...

My name has been trashed to the point where I have felt shame for things I cant defend myself on. I just let them think what they want to until they see the real person. Eventually everyone sees her.

I get everything you've said... You're not alone and you're not a bad person for going through this