Feels like my daughter just wants to kick me when I'm down

[Faith Spring]

Feels like that's the sign on my back.  Kick me. I'm a doormat.  I'm your mom.  I'll never stop loving you.  So kick me.  I'm down.  

So defeated.  My daughter 17 just sent me another "I'm never communicating with you again" email.   We haven't had a normal talk in over a year.  Imagine getting your kid through high school without talking. I'm doing it.  Why?  Honestly?  I want her out.  She's a shell of the human being I knew.  I just watched invasion of the body snatchers and thought they could do this movie for people with BPD.  Just bundle up your humanity and toss away.

My husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer yesterday.  He'll be ok.   But we can't tell her.  We both know she'd gloat and wish he'd die quickly.  

This is insane.  Now that I've vented I recall why I joined in the first place.  God I've missed you guys.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Faith Spring

I’m so glad that you are back, I was beginning to wonder where you were, see, we do notice and miss you when you’re not around 

I’ve always thought I was a doormat too but I wore my sign on my forehead for all to see  , yes sometimes it really does feel that way.

I am so sorry to read that your husband has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer, that must be really tough. It’s horrible when you think that your daughter, as you say, will probably gloat and wish him to die quickly. It’s so sad, but at least you still have your sense of humour. Body snatchers! Yep you’re right, it does seem to fit very well x 

[Daisy123]

Hello Faithspring,
I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s recent diagnosis. I agree with you, BPD snatches our beautiful children and turns them into something unknown to us.
It was hard to read about your reasons for not telling your daughter. How painful! My DD20 yells things like that at her father. It’s just so ugly hearing her wish how her father would just die.

I’m glad you are venting, let us in. We are here.

Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith Spring

So good to hear from you and yes we've missed you too   

I'm sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis and I wish him well with his recovery. You are right this is insane, where is the kindness and gratitude, those feelings are ravaged by the disorder … that's what my DD said having come through the other side.

I'm glad you are venting, we have to get it out, out, out...  

We have a doormat here …. and on it says WELCOME, hang in there with us, big hugs to you, we've got you. 

What do you do when you get the I'm never communicating with you ever ……

WDx

[Merlot]

Hi Faith Spring

I'm so sorry for your husband's diagnosis as even though he will be fine, it is no doubt very confronting, particularly with what is going on with your daughter.

You sound so fed up, it feels like a crazy irony with BPD, those who are connected, semi-connected and those with no contact, we are all in relative state of despair. 

Feels like that's the sign on my back.  Kick me. I'm a doormat.  I'm your mom.  I'll never stop loving you.  So kick me.  I'm down. 

While I miss my daughter and granddaughter so much, I don't miss all the drama, the rages and the constant criticism and judgement of me and my husband and the taking - oh the taking, don't get me started - it's all just such a double edged sword.

She's a shell of the human being I knew.

I can totally relate, I find it very difficult to reconcile how I raised her and the adult that she has become - it doesn't make any sense at all - I find it hard to recognise my values in her.

I hope you can step away just for a little while to focus on you and your husband, you both deserve that much.

Thinking of you
Merlot

[Scout206]

Hi Faith Spring
My daughter kicks me when I'm down too.  At least someone inhabiting her body does.    It's hard to separate the disease from my daughter.  I don't even know if she still exists.  I don't recognize the entity that she has become.  As Merlot states - all of us that are in this crazy world of BPD experience despair at times.  I was in a state of despair 24/7 for over a year after she NC'd her brother and me.  Now it has been 2 years and she has cut off my entire family and most of our friends.  But I'm no longer buried in negative emotions all day, every day - just sometimes.    I loved her before she was born and will love her until the day I die.   I have told her this but she doesn't reply.   The more I learn about this vicious disease, the more I realize that there have been signs since she was about 10.  We were involved with a family psychiatrist for several years - I wish he would have realized she had a serious problem.  Oh well.  I am sorry about your husband's diagnosis and understand why you don't tell your daughter.  I wouldn't either - who needs to invite and endure cruel, heartbreaking comments when you don't have to.   I hope he does well and that you find some much deserved peace.  Scout206