Things have gotten worse. I cant deal with my BPD 20Y D

[Jnel921]

My BPD D recently came back home and broke up with her abusive BF because he cheated on her and the girl he was with is pregnant.
My D did a lot of crying and I did my best to assure her he was no good for her. But she kept texting and talking to him.

This weekend she told me her period was late and I flipped on her. She in turn flipped back. Long story short she is pregnant and I am really against her having it. She has nothing and I am not about to start again with her at 50.

I have read here people helping to raise grandkids and this is where I draw the line. I personally couldn't afford more kids and I really wanted to have one with my current H over 15 years ago but didn't. I am not bearing this burden.

My D is upset with me and has left the home. I keep asking her if its for good and she wont answer me. The BF wants nothing to do with her or this baby but he keeps wanting to know where she is. I am disgusted with the situation and I am disappointed with how she kept chasing this guy even though he didn't want her.

My D doesn't have a degree or certification and she works a job that makes nothing. I don't know what to do. If she wants to keep it she cant live with me. Right now my mom is here and I am dealing with my dad who is rehabbing from an amputation and they may be with me for a bit until they get assisted living.

I have been under so much stress I fear for my health. I am so upset with my D and how she is using this pregnancy as a pawn to try and manipulate the guy and everyone I feel. Its embarrassing and I have told no one. I just want her out of my home. Am I wrong?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Jnel921. My BPD daughter is also 21 and that sounds like a nightmare.

You are not wrong at all for drawing a line and telling her you won't help. I have the same policy too if my daughter were to get pregnant. Not helping and she couldn't live with me. We don't let her live with us anyway because it caused so much turmoil.

She's probably really scared and unfortunately one thing that people with BPD do well is find ways to get their needs met, and by trying to manipulate that guy that's what she's trying to do.

If you can let her know you love her while also maintaining your strong limits that's the best case scenario. If she knows she has no help she is less likely to keep it, I think.

It's a sad scary situation. I'm so sorry. Let us know how you're doing.

[wendydarling]

Hey Jnel921

Woah   I'm so sorry after all you've been through, what a head spin.  You are not wrong, I'd feel exactly as you do in your situation and lovingly communicate my boundaries as HB says. The good thing is you see clearly her actions, decisions the outcomes are her responsibility, however hard they may be you can lovingly place the responsibility where it belongs and that is not with you. Yes you can listen, ask validating questions to help her problem solve.

Who is she living with? Do you know the people, who she's likely gaining advice from?

How is your Dad coping since his discharge. And your husband too.

Boy, you've a lot on your plate, keep coming here for support and finding your balance.

We are here, always, we understand.

WDx

[Overwhelmedabit]

Pretty awful situation. I feel for you.
My BPD daughter got pregnant with her abusive criminal boyfriend.i am now raising her son, who is 2. I am going to be 60 in a few months and I’m still working full time. Also I still have to deal with my daughter and her extreme disfunction. I also have my mom in a nursing home and have to help her as she has no one who cares about her but me.
I gotta tell you that it is agonizingly hard to do this.i hope I can make it through.
One thought for you: there’s a place called ‘Mary’s Shelter’, which is located in Stuart, FL and it is wonderful. The girls live there and have rules and have their own rooms and get job training so they can care for their babies. I sent my daughter there hoping it might help her. She was functional there for a little while. It might help your daughter, who knows? I’m sure they take people in from out of state if they have room.
Always good to have resources.
I love my grandson dearly: he is not the problem. It’s the disfunction around him and the legal limbo that he is in that is the problem.
Anyway, bless you. Mary’s Shelter helps with adoption too which probably is the best bet for this baby given the situation.
Many hugs!

[Jnel921]

Thank you all for your caring words. I have been a wreck all week. My D came home last night only to announce that she was keeping the baby. My H and I then told her that she could not live with us if that was the case. She was not starting another family in our home. She packed some things and left my home last night with tears in her eyes telling me she loved me.

In her mind she wanted to be here and have her baby while we provide and she continues to runs wild. That's not happening. The guy still says he doesn't want her and says that he wants his kid. His mom is willing to have her at her apt and kick her son out while he is with the other pregnant GF. I am not sure why this would be ok with my D. Why she would accept this difficult life because he wants this baby. His family is not the best influence. I told her how hurt I was that when she found out she stayed out of the house and made this decision talking to strangers.

I don't know what else to say to her. I am so upset, but I still have to take care of my parents who may be here now for another 6 weeks. He is still rehabbing in the nursing home.

Overwhelmedabit, I really don't want to raise any grandkids. I don't know how you do it. I work too and have to rush home to go to the nursing home check on my dad then pick up my mom and I am exhausted doing that and I don't have a baby here.

I can help my D here and there to buy some things but that's where the help would end. I don't feel things will go well for her. I don't believe their fights are over and I wouldn't be surprised if they fights lead to her pregnancy not going to full term.

For those of you who were left raising the babies, what were your D's excuses for not caring for them or was it your choice? My D swears she will never leave her baby with anyone but I don't believe her.

[wendydarling]

Hi Jnel921  

I'm so, so sorry, it's no wonder you're an emotional wreck and hurt, it is heart breaking and hard to accept the decisions they make and consequences that follow. You've done the kindest thing, you've been honest with her to protect yourself and her, as we learn rescuing does not work. It's important responsibility sits where it belongs, it's her choice. What you can provide is emotional support and when she's ready to step out of the abusive, dysfunctional environment help her problem solve.

Have you heard from your daughter since?

Hugs to you  

WDx

[Jnel921]

I spoke to my D today but not for long. She mentioned she was having her first prenatal appointment on the 25th. I told her we needed to talk about health insurance since she is currently using my H's.

She got upset and didn't want to discuss any further. Am I wrong for wanting to get her off of my plan? Not sure what she thinks. That we have to pay for her and the baby?

I cant talk to her. The only thing I have to look forward to is my son coming home tomorrow from deployment. I am hoping my son can talk some sense into her.

[wendydarling]

Hi Jnel921

You are not wrong, being clear what you are prepared to provide and not provide can help both you and her. Sometimes it helps to give some notice so it does not come as a surprise where and emotions get in the way. eg I'd like to talk about medical insurance for you and the baby, it's important it's in place, when can we meet? Will she be entitled to Medicare/Medicaid?

Were you thinking your DD may change her mind, have given it more thought?

I know you are angry and fed up, you've every right to be.

I'm glad your son is home and hope you take some time out to do something special and enjoy the time together.


WDx