Reverse extinction burst

[LeneLu]

Member Alembic so well captures the struggle with my BPDsis:

"We keep coming around all the time to the same fundamental question - which one of us is unwell, and which is merely struggling to respond appropriately to the dysfunction of the other?"

I, through lots of reading, therapy and reflection, know that she is the "problem", not to mention, just the state of our lives (I have a healthy marriage, she is single despite  dating a lot in her youth; I have never gotten in arguments with people at work, she has multiple times; I have friends from years back, she has frequent "break ups".

I feel as though she is the stimulus and I react.  She is five years older than me and clearly initiated unhealthy interactions as children. I wish that she would practice extinction burst with me. I wish she would "essentially remove reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior."  If she would stop her dysfunctional behavior/stimulus, I wouldn't react. Does that make sense?

LeenLou

[Learning2Thrive]

I feel as though she is the stimulus and I react.  She is five years older than me and clearly initiated unhealthy interactions as children. I wish that she would practice extinction burst with me. I wish she would "essentially remove reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior."  If she would stop her dysfunctional behavior/stimulus, I wouldn't react. Does that make sense?

What if she is doing the dysfunction to cause you to react?

And what if she ratchets up the dysfunction in the event you don’t react? And keeps going until you DO react?

That is extinction burst. She will keep ratcheting up in attempt to pull you back in line with her preferred dysfunctional relationship.

What happens if you simply DO NOT react?  

I know this is easier said than done. In some relationships there is no safe way to manage this. That is why I will be NC with my mother for the rest of her life.

With less dangerous folks, they typically give up (their ratcheting up and baiting... .or at least it substantially diminishes) once they’ve gotten tired of trying to pull you in and realize you simply aren’t going to engage.

  L2T

[Harri]

I feel as though she is the stimulus and I react.  She is five years older than me and clearly initiated unhealthy interactions as children. I wish that she would practice extinction burst with me. I wish she would "essentially remove reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior."  If she would stop her dysfunctional behavior/stimulus, I wouldn't react. Does that make sense?

It makes sense but it also means that you are giving her a lot of power over you.  Like L2T ask, what would happen if you did not react?  part of healing is about empowering yourself and learning new ways to interact, even if that interaction means saying No and then walking away.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi leenlou 

How are you doing?

  L2T

[zachira]

It makes sense that you wish your sister would stop treating you so badly and you would not be so upset by her behavior. Over time, things have gotten better with my sister with BPD and NPD traits, and it has come by setting better boundaries with her. What do you think you could do to make it easier to deal with your sister while knowing it is unlikely that she will change? What has worked the best in the past? I like Harri's advice to sometimes just walk away. I practice low contact with my sister. Let us know how we can best help. Keep us posted on how you are doing.