Need Guidance: We're newlyweds, she's now in legal trouble, time to live apart?

[Harry Weasley]

Hello community,
I am a newly wed, and soon after the wedding I stated discovering a series of patterns on my wife's behavior that she didn't have before or I didn't notice. I knew she suffered depression, as she disclaimed this to me soon enough after we started dating. We were working together for 2+ years and things were going well (she was going to therapy and support groups, I was going to support groups and to therapy as well to understand her better and be a better me). I feel things started going downhill with the stress of wedding preparations, and the very short engagement we had.

Since then, I started noticing traits that I now relate to either BPD or Bipolar Disorder, which started to worsen right after the wedding. A series of unfortunate events occurred soon after the wedding and kept going on for months.

My wife now refuses to get treatment, I gave up already on even touching the topic with her per my therapist's advice, which has helped. I regained some sense of self after a few months of hard work with different counselors, as well as reading various materials. I have been able to cope and get her to improve for months, I tolerated for many months her continuous rage outbursts in public, humiliations, name calling, continuous criticism, abuse, etc. For a couple of months I have felt a sense of hope, my wife reacted positively to the changes I have been making, and my therapist agreed with that too (I have been working on me and have learned several techniques to defuse my wife's episodes). I stopped enabling her behaviors and set some boundaries since a few months ago, however, that sense of hope changed this week when her behavior got her into legal troubles.

I really don't know what to do. I am seriously considering living apart for a few months, and tell her that I need that time to heal, to keep my sanity and allow her to take care of her on her own. I will try to see her and spend a few hours together during the week. She is not staying home right now, but we will eventually talk.

Anyone passed through something similar? We are back in square one, I am really tired of dealing with her erratic-toxic behavior. She is very smart and good at manipulating, I found ways how to identify that, but the fact is that her behavior is destroying our marriage and I don't want that to happen. I love her very deeply, but I know it's enough and I can't keep up.

Thank you much for any words that anyone wants to share.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Harry Weasley and welcome!  

I'm sorry that your marriage is off to such a rocky start. It sounds like the signs of trouble were there but you didn't have the full perspective before you got married.

I can fully relate with your situation. I love my wife as well but sometimes it is more than I can take. I am learning there is a big difference between loving someone and having the ability to tolerate dysregulated behaviors.  We have two kids together already which complicates things much more.

Separation certainly might give you both some perspective since you were not aware of the severity of these issues when you were just dating and haven't been apart in a long time. How much do you feel the quality of your life has degraded within the marriage, e.g. relationships w/ family and friends, self care, etc, and how much (little) do you think could you reclaim if you continued living together?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Harry Weasley]

Hello, Roland,
First and foremost let me say thank you for taking the time answering my message. To answer your questions:

1) My quality of life has degraded a lot. She is very demanding of my time and her unpredictable behavior had put me in very difficult situations at work, family. I almost lost my job at the beginning of the year, fortunately for me, I have a very close relationship with the owners, so I expressed the situation I was going through, and they helped me by reassigning me to another client that would allow me to have more time to work on my marriage, me, and also recover from the loss of my dad. My employer, some of my family and friends have been of great help to coping with the continuous anxiety and stress at home.

2) Regarding your second question, it has been taking me a lot of effort to reclaim part of my identity and set some boundaries that have allowed me to be in a better place compared to a few months ago. Staying with her will probably go the same path, baby steps I guess. The recent events make me question what's going to change. Things that I have tried are:

* I made myself very clear that I will be unavailable when her behavior is unacceptable (I.E: I respectfully communicate to her that I want to keep talking about the topic but I wont, until she calms down. I no longer keep adding fire to the fire and I let her cool down). Sometimes I leave the house and occupy myself with something else.
* I try to communicate to her with actions instead of words. (I.E: I try to comfort her with things I know she appreciates when she is going through an episode, so she kind of knows that " I am there", but I remove myself from the equation and avoid talking until she calms down.)
* I am making myself a priority and make her aware that I am taking care of the things that make me happy and feel better. I no longer try to project what I would like for her to do, but I do things because they will make my life better

These things helped for the past several months improving things between us.

[pearlsw]

Hi Harry Weasley,



Sorry you are having such troubles in your marriage, but glad you found us here. As you get to know us and both ask for and offer support you'll see the strength of the community here. People here have a lot to offer in terms of insights and simply helping each other feel less alone with such difficult issues.

May I ask, what is the legal trouble that has occurred? How would she feel about you moving out?

Glad to hear you managed to hold onto your job. A lot of times these relationships can put us under so much stress that this part of life can fall apart.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Harry Weasley]

Thank you all for your kind words. She got arrested for domestic violence. I didn’t present any charges but is not up to me what happens next. I think she is staying with her parents but they are not answering any of my calls.

Her family hasn’t been very supportive in terms of helping with her mental health care. I have asked for help before but they don’t want to get involved. I am afraid of what might happen to her and what her reaction is going to be when we talk. My therapist advised planning her return home with her family and if not possible to either be ready to leave or be away from each other for some time.