Nearly 4 yrs later help

[merlin4926]

Just been out for dinner with some friends who knew me yrs ago and know what I went through with my BPD ex.  We had a lovely evening and towards the end of the eve we spoke a bit about my ex and how my life had changed so much for the better. We even laughed about the more memorable dramas and how different I am now.  I am in a good place.

I've come home to see five missed calls on Facebook messenger (throughout the day but don't think my iPad rang as we are not linked on messenger) - I can't believe the stregnth of my reaction. Feel like I've been turned on my head. Obviously I haven't rung back but is it some kind of test? These wounds run so deep

[once removed]

hey merlin4926 and welcome back!

so, what do you want to do?

[Insom]

Hi, merlin4926!

I feel like I've been turned on my head.

Wow.  Yes, I can relate to how intense it feels to receive unexpected contact.  Good job noting how you feel. 

Obviously I haven't rung back but is it some kind of test?

If so, what kind?  What has this unexpected contact raised for you?

[merlin4926]

I feel disappointed in myself that I felt a flutter of the old excitement and then real fear. Then my imagination went into overdrive. I won't reply but I feel like if he'swanting something (which would be the only reason for contacting me) there will be more attempts and I feel vulnerable

[Insom]

I won't reply but I feel like if he'swanting something (which would be the only reason for contacting me) there will be more attempts and I feel vulnerable

Yes, I can relate very much to how vulnerable this feels.  What can you do to shore yourself up emotionally?  Is there someone you can reach out to for support?

[Fie]

Hello merlin4926 


I relate to what you are saying. I still remember the strength of my emotions when my ex contacted me after I broke up with him.

Like you I remember feeling somehow dissapointed in myself. I thought I had grown stronger, more happy, confident, etc. I didn't need him anymore, yet I found myself shaking upon reading his message.

Truth was, I *was* still strong. These short moments of confusion don't define us. Like me, you will move past this, and probably you will do so very quickly. Do not let yourself be discouraged by this moment of weakness, it's only normal and human.

[merlin4926]

Thanks so much. I used these boards for support in the immediate aftermath and it's amazing to come back years later and get that same support.

 I have loads of amazingly friends but I worry if I tell any of them they will freak out (meaning well) and that isn't what i need  right now. As you say Fie I am strong and it's only a moment and I'll deal with the next one if it comes too. Unbelievable that he's done it and just so glad I didn't see the calls coming in! Hopefully his need passes quickly and that's it and if it's not I know where to come. Thanks everyone x

[Insom]

I am strong and it's only a moment and I'll deal with the next one if it comes too.

Indeed!  You are strong because you know your own mind.

Hopefully his need passes quickly and that's it and if it's not I know where to come.

Yes, we're here to listen.   

[strings]

You know, let me throw this out there, too.

I get these feelings often. As I was separating from my undiagnosed PD xw, I fell into a relationship with a woman that made me feel there was real hope in the world for me. Complete opposite of my ex. 

I made the mistake of relaxing, for fast forward a few years later, turns out I'd attracted a covert/vulnerable traited individual.

The reason I give this back history, is that my xw gave me C-PTSD. I went to therapy, did the work, and was able to cope successfully, until the exgf triggered it.

So now, after that breakup that I felt good about... .I took tools I learned from here, from my therapist, resources... .And left on my own terms with very little loss to finances and psyche. I pass a house on my way to and from work that I've seen her and her car at, it triggers my anger at being played again.

Now, either I have to take a long way around to get home, or suck it up and get triggered every time I pass whether she's there or not.

So, what I'm getting at, is that perhaps his abuses towards you are dug so deep into your soul for having given so much, and the dramatic devalue/discard left a mark that it triggers you when he comes inside your 'bubble'?

[merlin4926]

I think that's right and he doesn't come into my bubble very much anymore. I've got in in perspective now - he can't breach nc!