Am I crazy to consider divorce?

[ConfusedEmoji]

I think my spouse may have BPD and I'm considering divorce. He makes a lot of money but he spends every penny. I am not sure what on. He seems to have a compulsion to shop on line for clothes, watches, electronics and random things. He has gotten us so into debt and then he keeps borrowing more and more. I found out he recently took out a loan in my name to pay off some debt, without asking my permission. I recently found out that he has purchased other items on credit in my name in the past as well and then defaulted on the loan. For years he has had volatile mood swings between being angry and happy/joking around. He yells at our kids and tells them they are stupid and dumb. He calls me similar names along with swear words. He also drinks heavily. He was bedridden due to a health condition(linked with his drinking) for 3 months. Finally I broke down and told him he has to stop with the verbal abuse, spending and he must go to therapy or I'm done. He has stopped getting drunk, but still drinks occasionally. He has stopped the verbal abuse and is going to therapy with me. He swore he disclosed all loans to me and there are no more I don't know about. Then this week I found out there are other loans that he has that he didn't tell me about. I'm considering divorce, but I love him. Am I crazy?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Hey Confusedemoji,

Welcome to the family. Sounds like you're at the end of your tether and from what you've told us there, rightly so. It must have been very confusing for you living among the chaos.

It's not our 'job' here to diagnose your husband but giving us even more information about the situation and it's evolution will help us greatly in helping you. 'We' would never tell you one way or another to stay or leave, that is a choice that you need to come to on your own. However, there is a wealth of knowledge among the board members and you will likely find many shared experiences.

Often people (myself included) come to bpdfamily with a pile of chaos which looks impossible to deal with. Breaking that pile down into manageable pieces likely helps to see things as they are.

What led you to believe that your husband may be suffering from BPD?
Can I check that you and your children are safe?
Can I ask whether or not the spending goes in phases i.e. spending spree, then nothing for a while?
Do you also see a therapist?

Keep posting, we're listening

Enabler

[pearlsw]

Then this week I found out there are other loans that he has that he didn't tell me about. I'm considering divorce, but I love him. Am I crazy?

Hi ConfusedEmoji,

I know to people who haven't been in such relationships it seems like any of us who stay are "crazy", but we have our reasons, and our reasons can also evolve and change. It can be very confusing! As Enabler said, it's up to you and we won't push you in either direction, but we can talk things through.

Have you been able to bring this issue about the other hidden loans to your therapist? Is there anything you can do to secure the finances and keep him from causing more damage on this point?

with compassion, pearl.

[prof]

No, you are not crazy for considering a divorce!  On the contrary, you might be considered crazy if it had never even crossed your mind.  People do get divorced for much less.

I'm certainly not pushing you to get a divorce, but you should at least keep the door open as a possible direction that your path might be leading to.  With that in mind, you might consider a consultation with a divorce lawyer (or lawyers) just to see what your options are and how the process works.

[ConfusedEmoji]

I am safe. My husband and I are going to marital counseling. I met with the counselor initially by myself to tell her whats going on. she suggested he may have BPD. Yes I brought up the new loans I just found out about in therapy last time. It's insane, He has borrowed about $200K! I did freeze my credit and his this week so he can't borrow anymore in my name or his, but I don't think that will stop him from going to a Cash Store (Payday loan place) where he frequently goes to borrow at 400% interest! I am monitoring everything if he does one more thing I'm gone. I am getting a consultation with an attorney for divorce and also for bankruptcy just in case. Also, I contacted the lender who loaned him money in my name and am going to complete a form to file a complaint; although I dont want him arrested because that would be counter productive. UUUGH! Who does this to their spouse? It's nuts!

[Enabler]

Thanks for the update, you appear to be getting your ducks in a row. A couple of things:

Do you know if the lending firm will be obliged to prosecute if you fill in the form, as its fraud?

Lines in the sand are tough to stick to. I am terrible at constantly moving the line such that I don’t have to act... .because acting generally results in my pain. How firm are your lines in the sand? Are they clearly defined? It feels like you have redrawn them a few times (which is perfectly normal and understandable so please don’t see me as being judgemental).

Arm yourself with knowledge, be one step ahead. Keep up your efforts for greater clarity re your finances, your relationship and yourself. Ignorance is no longer bliss.