My wife is verbally abusing and takes no accountability

[Meese]

For the longest time, I believed that if only I could change some of my behavior that things would get better.   After some very hard work, I learned to not engage in my wife’s rants or to take responsibility for her being angry and raging.   She is also an alcoholic and this has been affecting our children.   I just recently filled for divorce and custody of the girls.   I still love her and want her to get help AND I understand that it is up to her to make the changes.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Meese,



Sorry to hear of the tough circumstances that brought you here! There is also a Family Law, Custody, Co Parenting, and Divorce part of the site, don't know if you've checked it out yet, but it might be helpful for you as well.

Do you expect to follow-thru with the divorce or is there any chance you might pull it back?

Is her alcoholism totally untreated? In what ways is it affecting the kids? What have they been experiencing? Are they safe?

What hard work did you do? Work to modify your own behavior in regards to her?

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  I would encourage you to quickly read the books Splitting, and Don't Alienate the Kids, both by Bill Eddy.  He is a therapist and family lawyer with experience with BPD and high conflict divorces.  The first book is about protecting yourself, and the second book is about achieving the most healthy outcome for your kids.  Your steps at the beginning of your case are critical in both regards, which is why I'd advise that you lose no time in reading both books.  I promise you they are worth it.

What does your support system look like?  Are you attending Al-anon?  Do you have friends and family nearby?

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Meese and joining pearlsw and Wentworth in welcoming you. I'm sorry to hear the situation has come to the point where you are moving for divorce. I too am in a situation on the brink with my wife and alcohol is involved as well.

I think you've already made a very important distinction - your love for your wife doesn't not preclude her responsibility for her own behavior. This shows you are on the road to improving your situation.

How has your wife responded to your actions towards a divorce? And how old are your girls? 

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld