Isolation—my friends and family want her nowhere near them

[Conflictedlover]

My family and my friends have both seen how awful my significant other can get when she goes into a rage. And they have both decided to keep their distance of her. They are fine hanging out or seeing me but they want her no where near them. Which I of course understand. However I feel more cut off from them as well. My SO wants to be around me and do things I’m doing but my friends and family want her nowhere near them so where does that leave me when I want to go see a friend or a family member and I have to tell her she has to stay behind? I feel like that will just cause more problems especially when I am going to see friends. I’m at a loss and I feel very isolated because of this and because they will never understand what this is like.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Consciously or unconsciously, pwBPD tend to isolate us from other people.  In one way, it's safer for them.  Their dysfunction operates best in a vacuum, and also, if a bog trigger is an invalidation, it's best for them to pigeonhole people, so they can't compare notes, remember things "wrong", or reinforce the idea the pwBPD is acting badly. 

Sometimes the isolation is very purposeful.  In this case, it sounds like a side effect of your family/friends enforcing boundaries around protecting themselves from an unpleasant person. 

A few things - you CAN go see them, alone.  Yes, alone.  It's okay.  It will be weird the first few times, and it MAY trigger an episode until they get used to the idea.  But it's okay.  You CAN go do things if you want to do them - it's not your job to make their emotions happy all the time, so you can't let their potential upset keep you away from family.  Pick some events you can go to together, where you can choose to leave if she gets to be too much.  And pick some, where it's just you and your family/friends.  Does your SO have their own circle of friends?  Or have they run most people off?

Another thing - as you work on the tools, you may find you can decrease the drama in your lives.  Your SO lacks the emotional stability to see she can work on her.  So sadly, it's up to you to introduce new ways to communicate.  Better communication = less invalidation = less drama overall.  You can't stop it all, but you really, really can decrease it - it just takes time and practice.  And, after you've worked on you, your SO will likely be less troublesome to your family to see and interact with, and things might improve on that end as well.

It's all baby steps.  Can you think of any contact with your family/friends where you going solo would be less questionable?  Something your SO doesn't like to do, maybe?  Can you think of events where your family or friends can put up with your SO for just a few hours, so they feel included, still, just not in every single outing? 

[Conflictedlover]

It's all baby steps.  Can you think of any contact with your family/friends where you going solo would be less questionable?  Something your SO doesn't like to do, maybe?  Can you think of events where your family or friends can put up with your SO for just a few hours, so they feel included, still, just not in every single outing? 

I know she is not doing it on purpose she is actually very aware of her condition. She is in therapy and working to get better. And she knows after she has done something terrible that she did it and regrets it a lot afterward. But of course at that point it is to late. My parents do not welcome her in the house at all, my dad says hi when we see each other briefly in different places. My mother refuses to even see her or talk to her.  My best friend one of my only friends left at this point has been in very abusive relationships in the past and has been triggered more than once by my SO  so she also does not want to be around her pretty much at all. Which has strained our relationship as well. And I know I can’t let the idea of a blow up stop me from doing things but sometimes I just don’t feel like the argument. Most times honestly. I feel like I have to hide her away and I feel as if that isn’t fair to anyone especially her.

[pearlsw]

Hi Conflictedlover,

I am sorry you are facing this terrible relationship dilemma. I know how troubling this might be, being unable to be together with a partner at family events, but for a different set of reasons. I wasn't wanted around because of racism.

In your case, I think you can do two things, if you so choose:

1) Talk to your family members about BPD if you can. You might be surprised at people's understanding. If you do open up and they are not understanding at least you know. Read up a lot about it here, and we could help you formulate things to say and perhaps not say if you like.

2) Ask them to give her some room to be with you at least some of the time. If you are in a serious relationship and you let others decide this for you, put this pressure on it, it can break I'm afraid. This could break any relationship, not just one with a BPD partner. Try to get your family to work with you a bit. Perhaps limit the visits, or have them at places could leave easily - out in public.

3) Talk with your partner. She is likely to be feeling both shame and anger. Study here and look for ways you might be able to retool your communication to help possibly lessen the times she behaves this way. Support her a bit.

I can imagine how hard this is, and you are stuck in the middle between everyone. You can do a lot, but you also have a right to expect others to at least try to work with you.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

^^^  What pearlsw said.

Talk to them.  Explain a few things like, "I'm not planning to leave her, so you will need to be around her at least sometimes.  Can you do that for me?"

People get frustrated with situations that don't have tidy, easy solutions.  Isolating your and your GF is an "easy" solution for them, and even makes sense from their point of view.  They figure if Conflictedlover wants to choose, pick us, not her.  This is one reason why when you ask people who have never been in a BPD relationship what you should do, they simply say, "leave. end it.  dump 'em."  Neat, tidy, "easy" answers that cost them little to nothing.  But can cost you everything you care about, so it's not neat and tidy for us.

Explaining she's not going anywhere based on YOUR decisions, that she's part of your life and you want to work on improving things with her and with them, is a big first step.  Take the idea you will just dump her to be with them off the table.

Explaining, in easy terms, like depression, anxiety, lack of emotional control, complex PTSD, people have heard these terms, know others struggling with one or more of them, and it can build some empathy for her.  Introduce them to BPD.  Let them know there are ways to work on it and that you are committed to this, but would like their help over time.  Explain things they can do to help.  Explain about validation.  Explain they can politely ignore certain comments or that BPD can make people act out self-fulfilling damaging prophesies - if she thinks they already hate her, she is going to act like she's got nothing to lose.  If they are able to react in ays OTHER than that, she will likely be a little confused (not necessarily a bad thing, you need to shake up her programmed reactions) and need to re-evaluate how to act.

Also, as possible, using SET, talk to HER, explain they are hurt.  They don't like seeing her hurt you.  They feel it's best to segregate until she can show them she can be the kind person YOU get to see from time to time.  Let her know YOU see worth in her, and want to give them a chance to see it too.