I've been dating someone and my exgf has me really confused

[Mutt]

To catch everyone up to speed. I broke up with my exuBPDw five years ago all of it is on the leaving board. My exgf is the first relationship that I had after the break-up from exuBPDw we started seeing each other in August of last year and I broke up with her in May of this year I wanted to reconcile and she made it crystal clear that she doesn't want a r/s. We agreed to be fwb.

I've been dating and I have been dating one girl in particular my exgf called me on my second date I panicked and shut my phone off. A few hours later I saw that she called several times and asked me if I was Ok. The following morning I sent her a message on Whatsapp stating that i was fine because she sounded worried she asked what happened and I decided to tell her the truth it's less complicated that way.

It's been roughly two months since we have broken up and she found out about the other girl about two weeks ago. She encourage it that I find someone else because she said that she can't give me what she wants. If she's in a r/s in her religion she has to marry that person, I respect and I want others here to respect that as well. She's going through a divorce and she says that she doesn't want to get married again.

Understandbly the first week and half I didn't hear from her then we started talking again but we weren't romantic it felt like she kept putting distance between her and I the only time we were romantic is when we slept together but since she has found out about the other girl she has started doing things that we used to do when we were romantically involved she started pushing two months before I decided to break up because I felt the change in the r/s at that time she said that she has too much on her plate and that she doesn't have time for me, it hurt to hear that.

Anyways, I'm writing this because I'm confused she doesn't want to be in a r/s but she communicates that she is in love with me and she displays jealousy towards the other girl but she says that is still happy for me she says that she's hurt. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong because she made it very clear I do feel confused because of the jealousy and how she has started doing things that we used to do, I haven't seen her send romantic videos for a long time, she used to sit apart from me now she sits very closed she had stopped saying I love you and hug and kiss me and now she says I love you and will hug and kiss. I just feel like maybe and she's being passive aggressive and wants me to stay on the side line by myself for her and not really be in a r/s with someone else.

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[livednlearned]

I can see why that would feel confusing, Mutt.

She has values that make it challenging for her to be with you (head), and those values don't seem to shut off her feelings (heart).

Knowing that you are moving on seems to be activating how she feels, wanting you to move as slowly as she feels is right for her.

It is confusing you because she feels confused, and her actions seem understandable given how fresh the break has been.

If you want to move ahead dating other people, do you feel comfortable taking a time out so both of you can create a clean separation?

Seems a bit too soon for friends with benefits if there wasn't a period of friends without benefits. Plus dating on top of that = confusion. 

[Mutt]

I'm the one that wanted to stay fwb after we broke up because I didn't want to let go and I didn't  want to feel the depression and anxiety. I also thought that after a five year break from my exuBPDw what else have I left to leanrn about myself after a break up from a short relationship? I was 39 when my exuBPDw left and 44 until I met someone, you tend to try to speed things up at this age.

This break up felt a lot different though it's not in the same league as my exuBPDw and I see now the benefits of NC. Another reason why I didn't want a clean break is because I feel really bad for her she's going through a divorce and around the time that she really started distancing herself her mother was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer. Her mother is also rejecting chemotherapy.

She has friends, she's only been in my city for a couple of years it's just here and her son. I didn't want her to be alone after we broke up I worry about her because she's not taking care of herself she is but she's not she doesn't get break from her son - she doesn't want to. It's heartbreaking to see her go through a depression. I didn't want to add to that depression she has so much going on.

She's special to me too because she's the first one after my break up with uBPDex we had a lot of fun. I didn't think that I would feel like that again and a part of me was hanging on to that I didn't want to feel sad. I panicked and put a profile on a dating site I went out with three women and the second one is the one that said that she'd like to do things as friends I can tell that she likes me. The first girl didn't return my text and I thought that the second one wasn't interested like the first one when I text her so I didn't text and I received a text three weeks later saying that she missed our chats maybe she went out with other guys and liked me. I'm not entirely sure.

You're right I moved too quickly because I was trying to dodge the pain of the break up, I also didn't want to miss out on an opportunity to meet someone else. She said that I should get attached to someone else, she can't give me what I want and I deserve something really special I think that list bit is just trying to soften the blow. I respect her it can't be easy to break up with someone that you love, she was trying to make it easier on both of us by keeping in contact. That's not easy but she did it. I see what you're saying that seeing me move on has triggered some feelings.

[pearlsw]

Hey Mutt,

I “dated” someone that I had religious and cultural differences for about 4 years or so. I put dated in quotes because it was never entirely clear we were dating as he was not really supposed to date in his religion, but whatever. Technicalities.

We stayed friends after things ended, and in time our contact lessened and it was fine. He got married to someone from his background within a couple of years after we broke and he had a kid with her. (He sort of sucked away the last, best years of my fertility by the way, but…my fault too for waiting around…) He later met my current SO and they got along well - both engineers, similar cultural backgrounds. It was nice, friendly. All that to say I know the pain of the cultural/religion divide getting in the way. It was hard because it wasn’t like it wasn’t obvious up front that we were from different cultures, but in the end he just couldn’t break that barrier - pleasing his parents and his firm belief people from different cultures can’t last sealed the deal - although I am sure we got along better than he ever had with any woman. That is what it so hard for him to break I think. I was easy-going and drama free, amongst a few features.  

My take: This woman still has feelings for you although intellectually she knows it does not work for her life.

It is nice that you still care and are sensitive to her ongoing life drama. I’d suggest though, that for your own peace of mind you let yourself focus on your dating if she is sure there is no chance. Not to be trite, but the brain and heart are not always in sync, but your brain knows how to lead you forward. Let it lead I’d advise, the heart will eventually let go enough and you’ll be fine in time. This is of course not a leave message, if there was a chance and you wanted to try I’d be here for that! I think you are just trying to get your bearings here and have it echoed that yes, she has feelings. I get how painful and tragic that can feel when two people want each other but can't be together somehow... .

Lastly, I actually intentionally dated someone new just one month after a big breakup once to ensure, for myself, I’d never go back to the previous relationship.

Breakups are horrible, but it really does get better…and you will eventually meet another lovely person you can give all that love to!

Do you want to keep working at being friends with her? Do you need a break from that?

with compassion, pearl.

[Mutt]

I filed a claim in court today because my ex broke the court order she was refusing to give me the kids on my time. That’s a topic for another discussion. The new woman was giving me emotional supporting and helping me get things in order for the resolution center. I did t take PAS so before I filed anything I had to finish that.

I spent a lot of time with here there and we hung out afterwards, we went to Costco, we went to her place, my place, we watched Breaking Bad and went out to a restaurant. I was ignoring calls from my ex it wasn’t the wisest choice because i should have been more direct even if it’s something difficult.

She said that I wasn’t really there when I visited her last night at her place whixh is true. I didn’t want to hear one more time that she lives but I should go for the new woman which she did. In my mind I had one route that I wasn’t going to take which is spend my time with the new woman. She thought I was moving on and she started crying and told me to leave I talked to her for a little longer and she broke down crying again. I left and went home.

Today I got a court date and I got probably thirty calls from my ex-gérant and she said I know that you’re spending time with her and she where I was I said I’m at home then she said she’s coming over to face the new woman. I told her that my exgf isn’t over ne she knows about you because I told her, she’s on her way here I think that you should go I’ll give you a call after she’s gone.

She said that she’s not afraid of my ex. I convinced her to leave I just didn’t want a confrontation with the two of them.

My ex arrived at my place a few minutes after the new woman left. She just broke down crying telling me how I could I etc. It took me a few minutes to get her calmer I was talking in a calm voice. I assured her that we didn’t have sex which is true I did kiss her which I lied about because I didn’t want to hurt her. I told her that I knew that I had sex with her that it would be a point of no return and that there was still a part of me they waited for her I was holding off to make sure that the exgf really wanted to move on.

She said that she had been emotionally carrying half of what had been going on with my exuBPDw and that she would have gone to the resolution center with me. She said how can you move on like this it’s too soon. I agreed with her on that. I told her I had been waiting for her but it was only going to be for so long.

She said that she loved me and I told her that I moved her too. I thought that about it and I had to take care of this today I had to make a choice maybe it wasn’t the best choice we were just starteing to build something me and the other woman we were on date 4 and 5 dating is not easy in this generation it’s hard enough to get out on one date.

Maybe something might of taken off wurhbher or maybe not what I do know is that I’ll have to see if something changes with my exgf. The other woman sent me a text saying that it felt weird maybe it was unresolved with my exgf. I have a longer history with my exgf. I don’t have the heart to leave her st this time with a divorce in process and her mom with stage 3 cancer. If it doesn’t work out with her I’ll give it more time until things are a little more stabilized and I’ll move on.

I chose my exgf and sent a text to the other woman saying that she’s right there are things that were not resolved and not expected I didn’t expect my exgf to reconcile with me and that I couldn’t continue and that I’d like to stay friends. She says ok but that she was very angry and thanked me for being honest she was angry at herself for not taking care of herself and that she wasted time with me. I thanked her for help with the court claim she had a hand in it.

She didn’t delete me off Facebook and I noticed that read the messages on imesssage and that she responded back. I made love with my exgf and then she went back to work.

Im not proud of being third person into the mix because I didn’t want to deal with depression and abandonment anxiety and that my actions saved my exgf from pain at the cost of hurting someone else. On the other hand i am glad that this saga is done with dating and being fwb with my exgf.