Contradicting words from undiagnosed ex...

[allbymyself7]

Hi EdR, thank you for your advice. I agree, I do need to distance myself so that I can see things more clearly, as my emotions have completely ruled my thoughts.
The issue that I’ve had is that the idealization went on for our entire relationship, and then within days, something shifted and she turned her feelings off. It’s like a hit and run accident. She ran over me and then just kept going. It’s hard to process.
I was the love of her life and then suddenly I was nothing.
Another issue is, she denies she there’s anything wrong with her. She just thinks she fell out of love.
All these questions constantly haunt me. None of it makes sense. As much as I want to get distance, I’m left in pieces, wondering what happened to the woman that called me her soulmate and constantly told me I was made for her.

[EdR]

I understand. I really do. Sometimes I still feel like there must be this 'magic button' somewhere: some action or some words which might let her 'see the light' again so to speak.
Of course I know this is impossible, but to be honest I probably still feel that tiny bit of hope lingering deep down... .:-(    So I must continue to remind myself of the absurdity of the situation and how I can and should detach. But both that hope and hurt (and all her smear campaigns) are almost killing me... .

How do you feel about this 'magic button'?

[allbymyself7]

The magic button... .in my opinion, I believe that when you’re dealing with mental illness or maladaptive behaviours patterns, there is no magic button, so to speak. I believe unless people do the work to heal themselves (or at least understand their illness and how it affects others), I believe the core issues will always affect and play a role in our dynamics with them.
I do believe, however, that there is a magic button in which them can press in self-preservation (whether it be because of fear of abandonment or fear of engulfment). They essentially do what they need to feel ok, leaving you behind in pieces.
We have to remind ourselves (although the woman I was with was not diagnosed, but displayed many of the symptoms of BPD) that we cannot have a functional relationship with dysfunctional people (and do we want to?).
I think why I’m so distraught is because usually there is some indication that the relationship may end. My partner was exhausted from work the last month we were together, however she continually stated she wanted me by her side. When I went to visit her, she was cold and within days of leaving, she had completely detached. I was her soulmate one day, and then the next, I was a stranger to her.
I truly don’t believe this is how a loving, rational, sane person would be behave. Love does not suddenly “shift”.

[Harley Quinn]

My partner was exhausted from work the last month we were together, however she continually stated she wanted me by her side. When I went to visit her, she was cold and within days of leaving, she had completely detached.

This sounds like a classic example of the actions not matching the words.  It's something a great number of us have fallen foul to.  It's confusing when we are told something so emphatically, only for the opposite action to follow, and those words are the ones that really stick with us and leave us filled with questions.  Golden rule is to look at the actions over the words.  Her behaviour (cold) was telling the truth of the situation.  It's a harsh realisation when it hits home.   

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

I agree with you that her love for you was real.  But the discard was also real.  Your prior relationship experience is helpful to you in understanding that her behavior is not normal.  As patientandclear said, this is almost entirely not about you.  You mentioned that the relationship with her was not like your others.  It's common for BPD relationships to be much more intense and to move quickly.  This makes the sudden end all the more painful.

Yes, she could come back.  It is common for pwBPD to cycle back and forth.  If she does, remember that things could cycle to a breakup again without warning.

Now is the time to shift the focus from her to yourself.  It's completely natural to feel devastated.  Let yourself feel that, rather than burying it.

WW

[allbymyself7]

Thank you for all your kind and gentle words. As much as I want to believe this wasn’t about me, there is always that questioning in my head that I didn’t meet her expectations. She was never diagnosed as having BPD and denied having any mental illness (other than depression and anxiety). She just simply stated that she felt a shift and fell out of love.
And then... .I have everyone around me telling me her behaviour was extreme and she lacked emotional stability, empathy, and was emotionally abusive. I do know that falling out of love overnight simply does not happen, so something is off with her.

I’m on medication now and seeing a trauma therapist. My next goal is to get back to the gym.
It makes me so upset that she has gone on with her life, unscathed by all of this as if we didn’t exist, and I’m the one who is solely mourning the love that we shared. She is going about her life as if nothing happened - when she was the one who seemed to be far more eager to build our lives together as soon as possible.
The torture this woman has done to my mind

[mraa90]

Hi allbymyself,

I promise you, the way you feel right now is something I am also going through. She was my first love and I'm 25. I told her she was perfect that's why I decided to be with her. She asked me about my parents and told me how her grandmother would love me. Told me all her dark and deepest secrets. Within a month she gave me 5 weeks of silence treatment only to end it. I know it feels unreal, and our brain doesn't process it. It is just not logical so therefore, our brains is just stuck in this phase of "What the F".

[mraa90]

Also, my brain was also damaged and it is okay to take your time to heal. Do new things, go our and find yourself. What I did was travel on my own to new locations, meet new people, try new foods. When you see or learn a new thing, your brain takes the time and shifts the focus to that new thing. Just remember, I am here with you. We are all here with you. We all went through it and most of us are still shell-shocked. I want to share my love with you, and to tell you that we are here for you.

[Radcliff]

Of course you didn't meet her expectations.  No human could.  One reason this hurts so much may be because our brains insist that things must make sense.  We don't intuitively understand mental illness.  Even if we know in one sense that the other person was abnormal, it's so counterintuitive, it makes more sense to our brains that it's actually us who are messed up.  And our brains need things to make sense so badly that even when we get our heads straight and realize it wasn't us, our heads keep getting pulled back to thinking it was.  You are a normal person responding to an abnormal situation.  Dude, it really wasn't you.

The gym sounds like a great idea.  As much as you can, think of yourself more and her less.  Get some gym time and get your confidence up, and practice flirting with women whenever you get the chance, even just giving the checkout lady at the supermarket a nice smile.

WW

[EdR]

(... .)
One reason this hurts so much may be because our brains insist that things must make sense.  We don't intuitively understand mental illness.  Even if we know in one sense that the other person was abnormal, it's so counterintuitive, it makes more sense to our brains that it's actually us who are messed up.  And our brains need things to make sense so badly that even when we get our heads straight and realize it wasn't us, our heads keep getting pulled back to thinking it was.  You are a normal person responding to an abnormal situation.  Dude, it really wasn't you.

(... .)

WW

I know your reply was not directed at me, but I would like to pretend it was a little 

Thank you.

[gilac]

Don't worry allbymyself7, my ex loved to talk about people who moved on very fast after their partner dies or something similar, and hated how people tend to marry within one year from the separation and so on... .And guess what, she was the one who moved on with a new partner at a speed of light.

So, you can't have 100% trust in a BPD person, like others said, watch their actions, you'll only get confused if you only listen because their actions tell the true story. I know it's hard to believe all this sadness regardless of their promising words, but you must follow the reality. You'll get to that point soon, I felt exactly like you just about three months ago. If only I knew then that the truth was actually all the opposite of what she said.

[allbymyself7]

Thank you, Wentworth. I needed to hear those words. I do know that I couldn’t meet her unrealistic expectations, as she was raised in a high achieving, pressured environment.
Even as she was breaking up with me over the phone, she said she had everything she could want in a partner in me, and yet she still couldn’t make it work because she felt her expectations are too high.
I know I wasn’t as successful as she wanted me to be. I know I didn’t pounce on things and was proactive as she wished I was. If I told her I was taking her to dinner, her response was “well, did you make a reservation”? If I didn’t, there was disappointment.
I’d left filing my income taxes to the last week... .she didn’t trust I would do them in time and kept on me about that.
If I didn’t apply for a job in her hometown right away, she accused me of not being serious about her and the relationship, and then would hang up the phone on me.
It was never enough. I was more laid back and she was a go-getter.
I think this is where she felt our approaches to life were different and that she felt I was flawed.
Realistically, I believe if she truly loved me in a mature, whole-hearted way, these things would not matter. She would appreciate our differences as well as the same core values we shared.

When I wrote her on Instagram last week and told her how badly she hurt me, that I felt conned into thinking she loved and cared about me, and that she was not well and incapable of being in a long term, stable relationship, she of course became upset, said she couldn’t see a future together and was sorry for making me think she wanted this with me.
She wished me happiness and hoped I could move on.
Then, she blocked me.
About half an hour later, she unblocked me. Why do you think she would do this?
Since then, she has continued to look at the Instagram stories I’ve posted. Is she just curious as to what I’m up to?

[Cat Familiar]

When words and behavior don't match up, it's hard to reconcile just exactly what is real and true. Another member is in a similar situation: 1stTimer.

You might want to check out his story and compare notes. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327188.0

[1stTimer]

Hey allbymyself, hang in there. I have a very similar situation I updated here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327188.new#new

basically a girl who spent many months making me feel like I was 'the one', put on a huge 4 week push at the end and then cut-and-ran almost the moment she had it ALL.

I'm not sure what is in your girl's mind, though I suspect, like mine, that that connection scares them more than anything. So perhaps what she says is how her mind tells her it is to make it ok for her. They have coping mechanisms we can't even imagine.

I'll tell you in my case, not to try to minimize the pain you feel from what she said, I'd have really liked to at least heard that. For one thing it gives you something to hold on to for closure (and some hope she might resolve this for herself), for another she did you the respect of not just outright discarding you.

Mine left literally the day after our first 'offiicial' day together as commited couple where she did a massive future bomb, which was the day after we'd had a dinner she almost forced me into where I 'officially' asked her to be my girlfriend (as she read it my fiance). She didn't do me the courtesy yours did, she just pretended like I 'misunderstood' or that I was the one who wanted a relationship all along. She did say something similar to yours believe it or not "we see things differently". And then she disappeared. Not a call, text, email. Nothing. It was horrendous and I'll say again I'd have something to hold on to if she had contacted me to tell me she ran, or even fell out of love (something that does NOT happen to be people overnight, sorry). I have/had nothing to hold on to. That is hard to describe and one reason I'm still spinning now 3 months later.

What I don't mention in the thread I posted since it is sort of an update to the story I originally posted (where I went into more detail into the early chase she went on with me) is that unlike you I did not send her the angry email (or more accruately ANY of the ones I wrote). 3 weeks or so after NC from HER (as if I was the BPD!) I sent her a very nice email wishing her luck and telling her how I missed her and how I'd felt. 100% non-recriminatory. I got back (surprsingly) what i considered a weird reply "Thank you for the nice note. Hope you've been well'. At least she didn't hate me right? Except she didn't give me a THING back So maybe it was her way of saying the same thing your girl did but more likely it was her way of HANDLING it the same way divorce yourself from the emotion. She could have ignored me completely.

A month or so later, I on a whim (more or less) sent her a text which I was sure she would not reply to. To my utter delight as I am sure you can imagine, she replied back almost immediatly and seeminlgy very happy to hear from me and a veiled invitation to talk "Talk to you later?". I didn't jump at that so the next day she texted "Would you be interested to meet at (the place we met and wooed)" which I thought was huge; SHE reached out to meet in person and at 'our place'; not the park, not a coffee shop or diner but at our place/bar which means night/wine/memories. I replied sure. Radio silence all of a sudden. I replied next day "How about Thursday at 7?" Radio silence for a day. Then "Lots happening. Can't make firm plans". So basically shut down again after being invited in again. Clearly scared to see me in person, which can't at this point be fear of my anger/recrimination as I've expressed none of that so it is, I think, fear of how she will feel. I was very calm "No worries. Reach out when you want or can, I am here".

Lastly (not to hijack but situations are quite similar so I think you can relate) I decided since she might be running with out some critical informtion (my realizing my role in some of her insecurities) I wrote what I consider to be a beautiful letter

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326317.msg12978248#msg12978248

and had it printed on 4x5 card stock and spiral bound and twined it to a gorgoues bunch of flowers and dropped it off at her building. As they called it here a "Hail Mary" but as you an probably understand, she sort of felt like the fish on the line running and if I was going to lose her I wanted her to know how I felt and take some of the appreciation I had had with her and if she was going to consider swimming back I wanted her to know she was swimming back to a safer and more loving place. Likely I should have left it at my non-pressure reply but did'nt want to take that chance, not with her Mom and Sis and Therapist all weighing in on what an unappreciated jerk I'd been (not).

Again she replied immediatly, again with her defenses on high but her desire to reconnect clear (I swear her therapist writes her replies for her, they are EXPERTLY crafted) "Thank you for the thoughtful flowers and note. I am open to talk truthfully. Would you mind if I reach out to see if you are available an hour or so before I think I may be free".

Same utterly cautious crap, but clearly still responding and wantng to see me. Still hating the calling these amazing letters 'notes', not liking her 'cant make firm plans' and 'can I reach out last minute' but clearly she is trying to stay in complete control. I take that in fact as a good sign (because she feels overwhelmed and out of control at the thought of seeing me).

In any event, that was three weeks ago.

Again I'd have preferred some feedback like you got. "Thanks for the beautiful letter, it means so much to me. I don't know if I'm ready to reach out yet" etc.

My personal take on your situation is you might want to back off the anger, questions, desire for closuer and try to provide some safety or understanding of where she is and give her some space to not feel pressured or feel the need to justify or apologize. I get I put some pressure on he in a way with my last letter but felt it was needed but what i have not done is ask  single question about why or expressed the slightest bit of anger (since the day I stormed out) or recrimnation of pressure to explain, and simply let her know I care and am here and appreciate her.

Has it yielded rewards for me? Not sure. I know a girl I really cared for is clear I really cared for her and BPD or not and her seeming impatial replies aside, that woman/girl inside her must feel much better, safe and more loved even if we neve see each other again. I suppose if that is all I get out of it that is something (what else is love about?). I'm not sure still if she is some evil mind f-er, or if she ditched me for her ex and has been happily loving me while I turn on the fish hook in my mouth. I guess I'm thinking if so I never really lost anything and time will tell.

So perhaps (check out some Shawmlam latest threads on this who did successfully so far reconnect) on his approach which is very much NOT outcome based, I think it will serve you well whatever she really wants/means and however this ends up. Best of luck to you!

[1stTimer]

When words and behavior don't match up, it's hard to reconcile just exactly what is real and true. Another member is in a similar situation: 1stTimer.

Any Rand said this quite well; when you are faced with a contradiction, examine your premises. One of them is wrong.

[1stTimer]

2 weeks before she ended the relationship, she said she had a dream I that left her for someone else. She woke up from the dream crying and didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

That could be projection but it could also have just been a huge trigger for a person with abandonment issues.

[allbymyself7]

Does anyone know why she block me when I called her out and then would unblock me half an hour later?
And why she would be looking at my social media stories/pics?

Is this just another example of her emotional instability/mental illness?

When she was breaking up with me, she said she loved and cared about me and would think of me with fondness. Is she just curious as to what I’m up to?

[once removed]

Does anyone know why she block me when I called her out and then would unblock me half an hour later?

i would bet that she decided blocking was too strong and too permanent a reaction, cooled off, and undid it.

When she was breaking up with me, she said she loved and cared about me and would think of me with fondness. Is she just curious as to what I’m up to?

its human nature to be curious about a loved one we have broken up with, even if we did the breaking up. doing it by social media works, because we dont have to speak directly to the person in order to keep up with them. my ex and i both checked each others social media even though we were not social media friends, and were not at all on good terms.

[1stTimer]

Does anyone know why she block me when I called her out and then would unblock me half an hour later?
And why she would be looking at my social media stories/pics?

Is this just another example of her emotional instability/mental illness?

When she was breaking up with me, she said she loved and cared about me and would think of me with fondness. Is she just curious as to what I’m up to?

Look clearly she is still interested in you and what you are doing, BPD or not no one just turns off their feelings at the drop of a hat. Block/Unblock could be like a three-minute penalty warning (I can disappear myself whenever I want if you don't behave) or just an indication (I'd go with this myself) of her ambivalence. Ask yourself this; do you check out social media posts of people you think of with fondness? Or ones you want to stay connected to?

[allbymyself7]

Hi 1stTimer,

Even a week before i went to visit her (2 weeks prior to breakup), she asked if we could get a puppy. I repliied “of course we can when we’re living together”.
She said “but I want a baby first with you”.
I told her certain things would have to be in place before we went down that road (ie. living together).
The day I arrived to her place, she has stated she had bought us a mattress and was going to sell her furniture so that I could have more storage space when I was there. She said she wanted me to feel comfortable because I spent so much time at her place.
I even went on a job interview while I was there and she was excited af the prospect of me moving there!

When I mentioned all these things last week to her when I called her out, she said “in hindsight, it’s clear. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I’m sorry for making you think I wanted this with you”.
It was so hurtful and just unimaginable that these words were coming out of her.
She pushed and pushed me to apply for jobs in her city and continually stated that life was so much better with me in it, and then it was like nothing ever happened.
She said she wasn’t heartbroken and she has moved on as if nothing ever happened.
I’m unsure if she could have met someone so quickly, as she was utterly exhausted from working minimum 14 hour days.
I asked her if she had any doubts while we were together and she said no. She  wanted me by her side.

[allbymyself7]

I would not want to look at my ex’s posts if it were painful for me. When she broke up with me, I took her off Facebook and Instagram - I couldn’t bear to see what she was up to.

When she used the term “fondness”, it was a slap in the face for me. It’s something I would use with a long lost pal - not someone I was deeply in love with or was just building a life with.

I told her she was not well, that she was a con artist and that she was in denial - and she has continued to look at my Instagram stories.

To make matters worse, initially right after the breakup, I had seen a picture of her wearing the “soul mate” necklace I had given her when we were together. She posted the picture on Instagram as she was travelling.
Clearly, she has no sentimental ties to anything we shared.
I can’t even look at the necklace she gave me that had our anniversary engraved along with “the day my life changed forever”.

[EdR]

Regarding your blocking/unblocking question: I guess some other members explained the unblocking. But the blocking itself is a different story altogether. I got blocked as well and it was totally out of the blue a few days after her apology... .I guess the true reason is something most of us will never get to know.

Blocking itself is imo a negative thing. It basically is a means to cut off contact. So why this cutting off contact?

1) to hurt you. It could be she feels the right to hurt you for whatever reason.
2) to stop you. It could be she has created this image in her head that you are the stalker. How to stop this stalker? Block him!
3) to not lose face/prevent shame. It could be that she has been talking to her boyfriend, friends or parents or even on some internet boards about you in the typical dramatic and emotional way. At some point even the best friend or parent will get enough of it and say something like: 'well, if he gets to you this much, just block him for crying out loud'. Now NOT blocking you would give the signal to her friends or family that there is more to it than meets the eye. She would not be able to handle that.
4) to protect herself. Similar to 2) but more about her than about you. For example: It might be that she got this nightmare or sexual dream after you contact her or after she saw you on FB  and that might scare the crap out of her. She feels she won't be able to continue her life normally while seeing your life unfold on FB. So she blocks you to spare herself from seeing that or hearing from you.
5) to test you. How would you react?
6) any combination of the above.

No way to know for sure though. And I truly doubt she would know herself. In my case I'd guess it started with 3 and then 2 to make sure she didn't feel responsible for 1. That would then of course be all my fault. She is the victim so this would be the way she soothes herself.

[allbymyself7]

I couldn’t stand her looking at my posts/stories and then go about her life as if I didn’t exist.
It was too hard to resist looking at her things (even though on private mode), so I blocked her completely on social media.


This was a huge step for me.
I know it was the right one, but I feel really distraught knowing now that I am completely disconnected from her. And even more so, that none of this phases her because she’s moved on. Emotionally, there is no attachement anymore.

[crushedagain]

I understand how painful this all is for you, and I'm sorry about it. I personally am still going through it but it's been 10 months so the horrific pain has subsided, and now I just have a deep down, nagging pain and the associated bad memories of everything.

This is only my opinion and I know many might disagree, but I do not believe that these BPD individuals are actually capable of true love, that's why I said the love was not real, and that the love-bombing is just a means to an end. Like the saying goes - you cannot love anybody until you love yourself. They hate themselves inside, and as such are not capable of providing that unconditional love which is the foundation of a true romantic relationship.

I believe that's why it's so easy for them to turn on a dime and be gone. When you don't have that unconditional love for somebody/something, you can leave at the drop of a hat.

Something else to consider about these BPD individuals - oftentimes unbeknownst to us, they're cultivating other relationships at the same time, whether it's through text/phone/email, etc. It could be with an ex, or another person that they have become infatuated with. Once something clicks in that arena, they cut the cord on the current relationship and jump into the other one.

In my case, I found out in hindsight that my uBPDexgf had gone and stayed at her exes place when she walked out on me the first time (she moved in with me for almost 2 years total, and said I was "perfect and never did anything wrong". She swore she never slept with him, but I don't believe anything she says. The fact that her husband had divorced her for cheating is enough for me to realize she probably did cheat on me. Had I known at the time she had gone to the exes I would have NEVER taken her back. The truth only came out in a fit of anger when she apparently wanted to hurt me.

I mention this all because these BPD types are sneaky, and they've got a lot going on that we know nothing about. What seems like an abrupt end to us is oftentimes well-planned out on their end.

[allbymyself7]

Hi crushedagain, thank you for your message. I’m sorry you too are going through pain still, however it seems like there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

I have to agree with you in that most of these people do not understand what true love is. They know what an infatuation love is, a superficial love, or even an adolescent love (which makes sense, as BPDs are stunted in emotional growth).
True love is patient and kind. It does not hurt, control, manipulate, leave abruptly, or deceive.
It sounds like we’ve both been subjected to this.

I agree in the fact that there may be more to the stories they tell us in regards to cultivating other relationships on the side.
It is, in fact, all about them and what makes them feel good. If they aren’t getting the elevated, euphoric feelings from one person, it seems tempting to get it elsewhere, regardless if someone gets hurt or not.
Our feelings are not important to them (as we’ve both experienced).
As I reflect on this (even though it’s been just over a month), everything that was said and done was to make her feel good. My feelings were never taken into account.

You can’t expedt to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

[crushedagain]

You're right, it is truly "all about them." When I look back on my relationship, not once did my feelings really matter, only hers.

I know we're not supposed to compare our partners with previous ones as it's unfair, but when I look back to a previous long term relationship I was genuinely loved and appreciated. Never did I feel that in this relationship and I am now asking myself why I put up with it for so long.

All I can figure is I didn't know what I was getting into until it was too late, and I loved her and was just doing the best I could. In hindsight, I'm honestly left with more questions than answers. I will never know who this person was and what she was actually doing when she was out of town "visiting friends." I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn't like it, but I'll never know and I am doing my best to move on.

[Cromwell]

I couldn’t stand her looking at my posts/stories and then go about her life as if I didn’t exist.
It was too hard to resist looking at her things (even though on private mode), so I blocked her completely on social media.


This was a huge step for me.
I know it was the right one, but I feel really distraught knowing now that I am completely disconnected from her. And even more so, that none of this phases her because she’s moved on. Emotionally, there is no attachement anymore.

Well there is an attachment emotionally, you are "distraught" by being disconnected, ie, still mentally connected.

Dont worry, you are on a strong course, it gets easier. Ignore her very existence and consign it all to history. This is the option you have and imho, it has worked for me better than the alternatives. I live 30minutes away from her in a small city, our paths will no doubt cross again at some point, but it doesnt bother me, in the meantime it makes no difference if she lived on Jupiter, if I see her again or she tries to talk to me, its simple what to do; id ignore her and walk past just as I would do the schizophrenic man accosting people at the bus station - it doesnt distraught me because there is no "connection", with regards to my ex there is even more reason to walk by, she has been a proven disappointment and thats all the memories that are residual; designed as a natural reminder to not make the same mistake.

[Harley Quinn]

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