How do I calmly discuss the BPD with my wife?

[Linc]

My wife and I have been together almost 8 years and almost married 4 years. Her Mother had BPD and she had only verbal abuse, not physical. Although her brother abused her physically occasionally.
My wife has all the main traits of BPD, but never has tried or discussed suicide. Her 2 addictions are drinking {wine} and spending. Her wine drinking has decreased lately, but never misses a day.
The sudden outbursts towards me are what confuse me and have confused me over the years. She has the book about daughters of BPD Mothers. I recently picked up this book and after reading all the traits/symptoms I discovered... .she has it too! All these years I knew her Mother had it and we discussed it and how her Mother treated her, but I didn't realize it could be "carried down".
I am her third husband and she tells everyone, "I told him not to marry me", which she never did, but if I argued that, well, you know what would happen.
I want to hear from husbands how they deal with their wives in all the typical situations. Like, when she has an outburst with you and you have to go thru 3 days of the silent treatment and then you have to be the to do something nice to bring her back. Also her words of affection and lovemaking we had early on have faded, which I read is typical and she is now in menopause, so I understand that part, but just wondering if there's anteing I can do to improve it.
I have lots more I'd like feedback on, but I just found the site today and picked up Randi's "Stop walking on eggshells" book.
Thank you for any and all feedback.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Linc,



Glad you have joined us, please take the time to look around and check out the many resources here. Keep posting and sharing about yourself so people can get to know you a bit better and offer more support. Hopefully other husbands will come by and add in their insights.

That's fortunate she does not all have the traits. My SO does not either.

While here I just want to ask a bit more about the outbursts she is having. What do you think is bringing these about? What is she expressing?

with compassion, pearl.