Daughter, 17, How to Help Her?

[1life]

Hello all,

I’m so glad to have found this supportive forum... .things can get lonely sometimes. My 17 year old daughter is in so much pain. She was originally diagnosed with emerging bipolar disorder but now it is more and more likely that she has BPD. Over the course of 2years, we have been through 2 different doctors, a psychiatric nurse practitioner and 3 therapists. She was hospitalized in January and dropped out of Highschool in the spring. So many emotions all at once I don’t even know what to say. My main goal right now is to keep her alive. I feel like I am fighting an impossible battle to save her from herself. She has turned to smoking pot, drinking and sneaking out with boys to make herself feel better. I sometimes sleep on the couch by the front door to prevent her from leaving.  She can also be very loving and kind and fun to be around. And sometimes I still see that happy little girl in her that she once was. I worry that she will never be able to live independently... .her emotional needs are so great. I also worry about my 14 year old son not getting enough from me because of all the attention on his sister. I could go on and on. Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. Being able to type these words and knowing they will be read by people who understand is truly helpful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

1life, I just wanted you to know I am reading what you wrote, feeling your anxiety.  I worry about my 17 year olds ability to live on her own too. 

This is a lonely path, isn't it?  I feel as though no one really gets it, aside from the parents here.  I hope you find these messages as comforting as I do.  It's not as lonely as it was, before we all showed up here somehow. 

[Huat]

Hello 1Life.  Welcome.

"Being able to type these words and knowing they will be read by people who understand is truly helpful." Those are your words... .and oh so true!  That really is a main part of the "therapy" one can receive here.  All of us, like you, were once "Newbies" and contribute a lot of our well-being to the support we have received from fellow bpdfamily'ers.

Already you have heard from Faith Spring... .another Mom of a troubled 17-yr-old daughter.  You certainly are not alone in your struggles.  Don't get me wrong... .that is not to take away from the heartbreaking uniqueness of what is happening to you and your family.  Each of our stories are different but our pain is the same.

I so understand your concern about your 14-year old son... ."not getting enough from me because of all the attention on his sister."  Those comments are echoed many times in other posts of parents.  Indeed, that is something that has to be addressed... .and when you do address it, you should not take on any guilt.  Fact is, there is only so much of a parent that can go around and the "squeaky wheel" can, if allowed, rob their siblings of their fair share.

It must have been gut-wrenching for you to write... ."My main goal right now is to keep her alive.  I feel like I am fighting an impossible battle to save her from herself."  Whatever comes about with your daughter, you have to stay confident in knowing that you are, and will continue, to do the absolute best you can for her.

With all the time and effort that has gone into finding treatment for your daughter, have you yourself ever been able to go to counselling on how to better deal with her behaviours?  Do you have other family support... .a partner?

In closing, want to say welcome to you again, 1Life.  Hope you keep sharing.  Others ARE listening.  Hope you also come to the point where you are able to reach out to others as they, too, reach out for much-needed support. 

Huat   

[1life]

Thank you.

I was in counseling for a short time but stopped going when it felt like my daughter’s needs were taking up every spare moment I had. I’ve been telling myself for a while now that once such and such settles down I’ll go back. But perhaps I should stop waiting because there will always be another such and such.

Fortunately I am blessed with a good marriage and emotionally involved husband - unfortunately due to work and travel he is physically unavailable much of the time.  But all things considered I’m grateful that besides my daughter, most other things in my life are okay.

I hope I am able to comfort others in future as you both have comforted me.

[once removed]

hi 1life, and

But perhaps I should stop waiting because there will always be another such and such.

i hope you will take this initiative. a strong support system is so critical. im glad that you have joined us, and reached out. you are among people who do understand. i really hope you will stick around and get the support you need. things can get better.

17 can be a rough time, with or without BPD, on both a child and her parents. the future, at that age, adds so many pressures and uncertainties.

its also great to hear that you have a willing and emotionally involved husband in all of this. being on the same page, having a partner in these struggles can go so far.

i have some questions that i think will help us better understand your situation.

what led up to the hospitalization and dropping out?

you mentioned that your main goal is to keep her alive. is she self harming? is she under any sort of treatment currently?

how is your son doing in general? in school?

and how are you doing, 1life  

[1life]

My daughter spent her freshman year exhausting herself - putting all of her energies into masking her depression. I was shocked when she broke down and told me what was going on - she was scared to be alone ... .she wanted to die. For the next 6 months I slept on the floor in her bedroom listening to her cry herself to sleep every night and cry herself awake every morning. We began seeking any and all professional help we could find but she continued to get worse. Different medications were tried unsuccessfully. Anxiety set in to the point of her being unable to go to school, ride in a car, etc. She lost most of her friends and her loneliness became extreme. Her non attendance at school led to her dropping out. I was only able to get her to the doctor’s maybe 30% of the time. She began having angry unreasonable outbursts over the smallest things... .I just didn’t get it. My husband and I analyzed our parenting nonstop. How did we create this? What could we do differently to help her? All of these symptoms without any reason I could see. By Junior year she was talking about suicide frequently so I finally followed the advice of her doctor and called the ER which lead to her hospitalization. From there came a diagnosis of bipolar disorder but that somehow didn’t feel quite right to me. She was a roller coaster of intense emotions for sure, but I never saw mania.  Fast forward to where we are now - she is seeing a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who is leaning more and more toward BPD due to a combination of her symptoms and the fact that medication isn’t helping as it should. At her recommendation we have recently found a DBT therapist and I am working hard at getting her to attend her sessions. I am hoping she will get to the point of being able to go to her weekly therapy sessions and then to attend prep classes for her GED and eventually pass the testing. Sometimes these goals seem hopeless, but when she has a good day anything seems possible. 

My son is doing well in general, he is starting freshman year in September. He’s a good, solid student and is eager to do well. I feel badly that he is trying so hard to be a model son... .mainly because I think he is overcompensating for his sister’s behavior. We talk with him about this and want him to know we don’t expect perfection. I wish I was more available to him but often cannot leave my daughter for safety reasons. My husband is great though about doing things with him on weekends especially biking in summer and skiing in winter. Sometimes it feels like our little family is divided in half - the boys and the girls. Not ideal but that is how it is right now.

I am doing better than I have in past months. I am working hard on not letting my daughter’s moods dictate mine. I’ve also opened up to my family a bit more - my parents and 3 sisters who all live locally. Lifting the burden of secrecy has helped a lot.  It is tricky though because my daughter would prefer they not know some things, especially about school. I understand where she is coming from, though I know they love her no matter what.

I must say I do have some guilt about writing here -I have read many situations that seem so much worse than mine. But I reminded myself of something I’ve read on here within the past day or two-  that although we all have different situations, we are all experiencing many of the same feelings.

Thank you,
1Life

[loveandcare]

Hello 1life -

I feel your pain. You are not alone.