Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 09, 2025, 10:28:08 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Needing some perspective/validation  (Read 657 times)
Harvest_Moon

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 18


« on: September 16, 2018, 02:50:56 PM »

Hello,

I learned about these boards a while ago and it was sadly very helpful to know I am not the only one struggling with some of the very same issues related to having an uBPD parent. That validation alone was enough at the time. I didn’t get very involved because, well, I really didn’t want to take in others’ struggles in addition to my own. But today I have been triggered and I know we can’t always get through things in a vacuum.
I last saw my mother 3 years ago when my son and I visited her at her home out of state. It was the usual nightmare with a twist- she got drunk at a restaurant (atypical) and insisted she was driving us back to her house. When we refused, she would not give up her keys- and she sped off, squealing her tires. She left my adult, disabled son and I standing on a dark street in a strange place, with no way to get back. My adult son started crying immediately, as I tried to remain calm and helpful to him and tried to figure out what to do. (Then I cried.)
I decided I would have minimal contact after that ( my son wants none) and I tried. She contacted me about some end of life issues out of the blue (she is now 81 & in good health), and this board and my therapist helped me navigate those communications. I essentially ignore all the digging , berating comments and address only the specific need/issue.
Yesterday was my son’s birthday- her only grandchild. Nothing. That’s fine though. This morning I got an email with no greeting to me as usual, that said, “Please tell my grandson I wish him a happy birthday and love him very much in spite of what he is being told.
I don’t have the energy to go into every loaded syllable of her statement.
I love my son an would never intentionally hurt him. I am especially sensitive to his emotional well-being due to anxiety related to his disability. Needless to say, we don’t sit around talking about her. We talked about how awful our last trip was and that we will never go again after it initially happened and maybe once since.
Anyway, it’s so wild to recognize how quickly triggered I am by her meanness and obliviousness. I immediately wanted to slay her with words back in an email, but thanks to here, I am just sitting with it instead of perpetuating the vicious circle.  It’s not easy, so I bring it here to vent . Thank you. It’s hard when my friends think I should have compassion for my “mentally ill” mother. That would be so much easier if she was seeing unicorns rather than abusing me and my son.
Thanks for reading.

Logged
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2018, 03:12:12 PM »

Hi Harvest_Moon,

I'm so glad you decided to come here to vent instead of engaging your mom 

I know it sucks when you are given the gift of lousy triggering behaviors.  It's just a reminder of how dysfunctional she is.  Just ignore it, she's looking to engage and not in a healthy way.

Focus on your son and enjoy his birthday!  You are lucky to have each other, it sounds like the two of you have a lovely relationship and are close.

Hang in there,
Panda39
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2012



« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2018, 03:16:03 PM »

Oh Harvest Moon,

I am so thankful that you came here to share your story with us today, and that you are reaching out to us for some comfort and validation. Definitely right up our alley.   We truly get it.

Excerpt
It’s hard when my friends think I should have compassion for my “mentally ill” mother.

It's sad, that a pw BPD anticipates rejection and projects it out onto those who are trying their best to love them and get along with them. I am very glad that you are thinking of your son and protecting him. That comes first and foremost, caring for our little ones. Even if he is an adult, you are the one who knows him better than anyone and who knows when something is inappropriate for him to hear. You have a chance to head off the wounding. If he says anything about wishing Grandma had sent him a birthday note, then you can certainly tell him the good portion of her wish, and leave the rest out.

Wools

Logged

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Harvest_Moon

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 18


« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2018, 04:40:56 PM »

Thank you so much for your responses. One thing in my favor is now that my son is a target (to a lesser degree), I will not be persuaded into engaging on such a dysfunctional level anymore (took long enough). There were 2 other times my son witnessed- both times as a child- my mother’s intense anger and ravings. Once, my whole family ran out of her house in our socks to escape her abuse. It was 3 days before our flight home. We spent the rest of the time at a hotel, trying to make a vacation out of it, trying to comfort the kids & ourselves. I feel terrible about putting him in the potential position again. I regretfully always thought that this would be the time she would be okay. Kind of like petting a dog that you know bites, hoping this will be the time it won’t. Ugh.
Logged
Harvest_Moon

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 18


« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2018, 04:45:20 PM »

 “It’s sad, that a pw BPD anticipates rejection and projects it out onto those who are trying their best to love them and get along with them.”

It is so great to be understood. Thank you.
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3497


« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2018, 11:52:39 AM »

Just wanted to let you know that we hear you when you describe how uncomfortable it is to be triggered by your BPD mother after so many years of little or no contact. I think that those of us who grew up with a BPD mother will always feel hurt and sometimes angry when we somehow come into contact with our BPD mother's emotionally unsettling actions either directly or indirectly. After all, a mother is supposed to love her child unconditionally, and those who get this love, use the love as a foundation for building loving relationships and happy lives. I just cannot see how the hurt of continually being mistreated by a mother with BPD will ever disappear completely, as this is part of the foundation of who we are. Some relationships, mainly romantic ones and friendships, can be put behind us, and we can walk away without ever really getting emotionally triggered by all the hurts from the past relationships, and these kinds of relationships are recognized as not being permanent. Your mother is your mother no matter whether she is dead or alive. It especially hurts to see her mistreat your son who you love with all your heart. Take some quiet time to feel whatever comes up when your mother triggers you and reach out for validation. Understood that you do not always want to be posting here, as you want to keep the effects of your relationship with your mother in the background as much as possible, and keep living the courageous life you have created for yourself. Understood that others who don't get it will criticize you for not having compassion for your mentally ill mom. I get that kind of criticism too, and I try to do acts of kindness for other elderly people who truly deserve it and appreciate me. Take care, and post when you need to. We are always here to listen and support you, as many of us are/have been in similar situations with our BPD mothers.
Logged

Harvest_Moon

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 18


« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2018, 04:38:10 PM »

Thank you.
Logged
Learning2Thrive
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 715


« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2018, 12:13:33 PM »

Excerpt
It’s hard when my friends think I should have compassion for my “mentally ill” mother. That would be so much easier if she was seeing unicorns rather than abusing me and my son.

Yes, this is very true. Being misunderstood by our friends—invalidated really—is so painful. Most people don’t understand what we grew up with and don’t have any frame of reference for what went on/goes on behind closed doors.

I had to chuckle a moment about the unicorns. Yes, I wish that was my mother’s problem too... .so much easier for others to grasp the illness and show compassion when it's the notorious unicorns.

Take good care of you today. You are worthy. 

  L2T
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!