4 months into relationship

[bus boy]

I'm dating nice lady, good job, well educated, never married, no children just a dog. She is very understanding of my busy life, we don't get to see each a lot, she is very active as well. I just don't know how much I want her in my life. She always says I can talk to her if I'm feeling down and I've been feeling down lately. For some reason I've been down over xw, she's been living with another man for over 3 years and I'm struggling with how is he doing it and I couldn't. It's a small town so it's hard to miss things. They are always doing things, take nice trips, he lives in her house and he's always doing things keep it looking good around the yard, it's like she found happiness. Xw was so cruel and mean to me, said such belittling horrid things to me. She did a 360, different person it seems. Now I meet a good solid woman and I'm questioning if I want her in my life. I don't have the crazy all out head over heels feeling of love for her that I had for xw. Things never felt right with xw, I always felt off, crazy emotions, but it seem like regular easy going, smooth sailing with the lady I'm dating, my stomach isn't all in a twisted knot when I'm with her. Maybe the normal is to much for me.

[Insom]

Hi, bus boy!    Welcome. 

I hear you're feeling confused and perhaps a little depressed and can relate to feeling unsure about who to talk with about particular issues.   

How long have you been dating "nice lady?"  New relationship?  Together for awhile?

[lighthouse9]

Hey Busboy!

I want to add to Insom's question - who do you usually talk to?

I've been struggling with this a little bit as well. There's a woman I've met recently who I'm starting to get to know a little bit and I really enjoy talking to her. I'm not sure if it will develop into something, but I find her attractive and enjoy getting to know her. At the least, I'm making a new friend, and that's nice. At first, I really resisted telling her about my STBXw because it all felt too big and I didn't want to taint getting to know her with all of the cruel things I've been through. I've saved that stuff for my therapist, parents, and good friends. But, I can tell that we're starting to talk more about personal things, which means that my feelings are going to have to come up at some point and not be sanitized as "oh, you know, bad stuff happens but I'm resilient." (It's true, but there are days that I feel so hurt and am in so much pain, so that line isn't accurate.)

I guess this is why I ask who you do talk to about this stuff. Do those folks have any advice on potentially opening up to her?

Also, talking to a person you're dating about how you've been hurt is a really intimate thing. Could your reluctance possibly be less about her and more about your fear of going there with someone? There's a great chapter in the Beyond Boundaries book by John Townsend that almost gives a script for how to talk about this stuff with a new person.

Is that kind of intimacy with someone something that you want? It's ok if you don't, but it might be worth exploring for yourself.

[Insom]

Checking back in to let you know I just noticed your post title states that you are 4 months into relationship with Nice Lady.  So, this is a new relationship that has yet to deepen and it sounds like you're feeling unsure. 

I just don't know how much I want her in my life

This is a great question.  When you think about seeing her, how do you feel?

[gotbushels]

bus boy  

I join the others in supporting you and I'm glad to see that you've developed this relationship with this new woman.

Maybe the normal is to much for me.

Regarding what you said here, I want to add some perspective by sharing my feelings after the relationship with a the upwBPD in my life.

When I was freshly single, it felt tremendously peaceful and calm. I was and am so grateful, I thought I was cursed to be stuck in that forever cautious and anxious limbo that partners to pwBPDs seem to be in.

No hyperactivity or hyper-vigilance from my intimate life. It felt truly peaceful and amazing. No more army-style sleep deprivation exercises.

When dating after that relationship, my feelings with other people seemed much more chilled. This is true both when things are going smoothly and with occasional difficulties. Having a peaceful relationship where you're focusing on each other's strengths and not playing games, it seems to help a lot for personal growth.

I'm not endorsing your relationship with this woman, and so if you feel this peace and lack of issues, I think that's a signal of good health. Things don't have those big peaks and troughs, but there's that steadiness.

Beyond that, I think intimacy can be built rather than waited for. Maybe you can approach her and schedule time together with the target of growing your intimacy in the relationship?  

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy

I just don't know how much I want her in my life.

I'm sorry that you're going a tough time. Are you saying this because you don't want to share your history that you had with your ex? You don't want her to see that part of your life?

[bus boy]

I've been very busy and not on line very much. Thank you for your replies.
  I don't mind sharing my past with my new lady friend but I'm not sure she is for me. I probably sound terrible for saying this but she doesn't do it for me, I don't get excited to see her, I don't miss her when I don't see her. I didn't see her for 2 weeks and she says you probably miss me, but I don't. She's very understanding of my visitation with s11. This is probably going to sound so strange. She's not motherly, does not have that woman nurchering instinct. Her dog got into the mud and the way she grabbed her dog really turned me off. She had this harness on the dog with a handle on it and she grabbed the dog like a suit case and carted it off. She makes no attempt to be womanly, to look nice to dress nice, she wears these shorts with a tee shirt tucked in and a big black belt tightened to the last notch, she can't cook. Now all of this makes me sound like I'm looking for a cooking Barbie doll type woman but not so. I love cooking and enjoy cooking with other people, a woman doesn't have to be fancy and make up. I have a friend who is a lovely looking woman, no makeup just looks after her self dresses nice. Last night we got lost on our way to a function she was just going on and on and getting rude and sarcastic. At the function people were there of all shapes and sizes and the women were dressed nice in summer dresses and dolled up for an evening out. Maybe she just doesn't have that thing that couples have, maybe she's not a person to have a partner. She's in her 40's never lived with anyone, never married, never had children she lacks the homemaker quality, lives with her mother. I like a nice home, I look after my home very good, I like keeping it clean I like the smell of good food cooking, the things that most people like about having a homely home but she seems to lack all of that.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

You’re not into her. I take it that she’s close to your age? At this age you don’t owe anything to anyone. Keep looking until you find someone that you’re into.

[Insom]

I don't mind sharing my past with my new lady friend but I'm not sure she is for me. I probably sound terrible for saying this but she doesn't do it for me, I don't get excited to see her, I don't miss her when I don't see her.

It sounds like you've found your own answer here.  What happens next?

[bus boy]

Hi mutt. She is a few years younger than me. We have things in common, we love hiking and such but that's about it. We planned a hike, I said we will make a pic nic lunch and the day we were going she said she would just grab a sub from subway. I get a feeling and I'm often right about it. She grabbed her dog that time and was pretty rough about it and the tone she uses towards her mother, I don't like it. I'm going to stay clear of her.

[bus boy]

Hi Insom. I'm just going to keep looking. I sometimes feel I'm like Jerry Seinfeld when it comes to finding a woman. He meets a nice woman but there's always something wrong with her, the way she eats her peas or some other petty thing.
  I know we all have flaws and no ones perfect, I clearly get that and maybe I'm being to picky. Last year I met a woman and she was great, she loved to cook, we had things in common but she was so intense, she would get wound up and go on about her ex husband of 20 years ago and she had an over abundance of personal and health issues I wasn't ready to take on. This year I meet a new woman and it's a different set of issues again. I'm just going to keep looking for the happy medium.

[Insom]

I sometimes feel I'm like Jerry Seinfeld when it comes to finding a woman. He meets a nice woman but there's always something wrong with her, the way she eats her peas or some other petty thing.

  FWIW, you don't sound too picky to me.  More like wanting to connect with someone you feel more attracted to and whom you perceive as more caring.

I'm just going to keep looking for the happy medium.

   Good job standing up for keeping looking. 

What will happen with Nice Lady?  Are things casual enough where you can let it drop?

[bus boy]

Insom, i haven't talked to her since Sunday, she's text a few times. I'm not going to leave her hanging. I'm just going to have to tell her I'm not up for our relationship.

[Insom]

I'm not going to leave her hanging. I'm just going to have to tell her I'm not up for our relationship.

This sounds honorable.  Will you let us know how it goes?

[Turkish]

It can be harder the older we get.  As my T said, "we all have wounds."

Think back to how much we may have been wounded as teenagers,  then add 10, 20, 30 years.

I think that my T was telling me to exhibit patience and grace, while at the same time giving it to myself. 

None of us are going to find anyone without wounds.  We can either accept that and work with that,  or go Hermit and call it a day (or life).

[steelwork]

Bus boy, I don't think you're being too picky, and I don't get the sense that you're expecting to find someone with no baggage. It's just that you've spent enough time with her to know it's not going anywhere.

She grabbed her dog that time and was pretty rough about it and the tone she uses towards her mother, I don't like it. I'm going to stay clear of her.

Those are character tells. I wouldn't want to be with someone who treats animals roughly either. As for the tone she uses with her mother... .well, I guess family relationships can be pretty hard to gauge from the outside, but still, if this is making you uncomfortable, that's important to pay attention to.