BPD partner completely forgets what she said in a rage

[TRB]

Has anyone else had the experience of their BPD partner or other pwBPD having no memory of things they said while in a rage?  Is this a common trait?

The most extreme example I can remember of this was when my spouse with BPD hurled some insult at me while in a rage and somehow she calmed down much more quickly than normal, and  a few minutes later I had the presence of mind to try to defuse the tension by repeating the insult back to her in a joking way, like "I guess that shows I'm really a [whatever she called me]," while laughing.  This was less than 5 minutes minutes after the insult.  She looked at me, confused.  I told her I was just repeating back to her what she had just said to me, and that I was trying to make light of it to ease the tension.  She said, ":)id I say that?"  She really seemed to have no idea that she had said it.

This was years ago so by now I actually don't remember what the insult was, but I do remember it was quite creative and not the standard "you're a ___ing moron" so it seemed particularly strange to me that she would not have had ANY memory of it a few minutes later.

I do realize that even people without BPD can get "flooded" while angry and that we can all forget details of things that happened while we were in a highly emotional state.

But this seemed very extreme to me, and has happened many other times.  The thing that stands out is a COMPLETE lack of memory of things she said while enraged, not just forgetting some of the details (like forgetting whether she said "jerk" rather than "moron", and how quickly the memory disappears.

Does anyone else have this experience?

And now I am wondering if there is any way to take something positive out of this?  In general I have been working on not taking personally anything she says while enraged, and now I am thinking that if she doesn't even remember what she says, then maybe this is even more reason for me to not give her words at that time any weight?

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[enlighten me]

My exgf once blew up on me out of nowhere. She started screaming at me and calling me the c word. She then threatened to have a couple of her friends come around and beat me up. Months later after the split I was visiting my son. I was lying on the floor with him and she said something. I turned around and sat up. She then said don't threaten me. I said I wasn't Ive just sat up to face you as you were talking. I said when have I ever threatened you? she said you were always looming over me. I pointed out that as I'm over 6 foot tall and shes only 5' 4" I'm bound to loom over her from time to time. I then asked when had I ever threatened her. She said I suppose Ive threatened you then. I said yes and mentioned her threatening to have me beaten up. She looked confused and said that I must have Alzheimer's or something as she never said that.

I believe that she honestly couldn't remember. Ive wondered that when stressed if cortisol the fight or flight hormone might flood their body and interfere with memory retention. It is one of the things it does during a traumatic incident.

[L_london]

I have the same all the time. My bf often doesn’t remember what he said in a rage, and often as well he doesn’t remember what we’re having for dinner or what movie we’re about to watch and things like that. I wondered as well if it’s a trait or what else... .

[engineer]

This happens *every* time.  My wife has even noticed that she "loses time".

When we are in the midst of a rage she cannot remember anything about what happened to start it -- usually some awful, scathing statement she has made that I didn't quite button up fast enough to head off my reaction to.  And I should be clear... .my reaction is always nonverbal.  She is terrible at body language, but my poker face is no good at all and she definitely sees it.

After the rage she seems to have no memory of the rage.  If I try to do any of the things she told me in no uncertain terms while she was raging that I *MUST* do, she gets very upset and tells me that what I am doing is very weird.  Heh, and I cannot disagree with her on that point

The memory issue can be hard for me because I kind of like to have "closure" after a fight.  You know, kiss and make up, that sort of thing.  That simply isn't happening.  When she is back to being happy and chirpy the rage is over and bringing it up again will just put us right back in the middle of the rage.  I have talked to my therapist about this and she has given me some tools to give myself closure without seeking it from my wife.  It sucks, but it sucks less than continuing the rage.

[lighthouse9]

100%. I tend to remember things and recently started repeating things back to her calmly, like "do you remember doing this?" She would just cry or get really upset and said she had no memory. I confronted her about things she did while having an affair, to throw me off her trail, and she also had no memory of that. It was absolutely frightening, because these were incredibly hurtful, cruel, manipulative things and she had just completely blocked them out. It was like seeing a different person in front of me. And, to be perfectly honest, it's why I've had trouble accepting that the marriage is really over and that she really wants out, because so much of our conflict happened while she apparently has no recollection of what actually happened. Alas though, I can't fight with the revisionist history and the splitting.

[reluctanthusband]

Yep, but sometimes its the opposite for me.  We will fight and she will rage and the accuse me of saying/doing things that absolutely didn't happen.  I don't know if this is good advise, but my T told me to record it to play it back to her when she was not freaking out.  I personally think this is a good idea although it didn't work out so well when I did it.  I started to record her on my phone and she absolutely lost it and tried to grab my phone.  She is quite short and she was unable to get it due to me being almost a foot taller.  She ended up slapping and punching at my face to get me to drop the phone.  She got me good a few times but not enough to get me to drop the phone.  

Definitely worthwhile if you have to admit it in court for anything.

[lighthouse9]

RH - Yep - I've had that one happen, too, where I was accused of things that absolutely didn't happen. Usually, these were things that were actionable, in the sense that she'd interpret something or make something up and that lead to a very specific action, like kicking me off the credit card account or something.

I don't think recording would have made things any better in my case. Just telling her that something else happened was enough to send her in a self-pity spiral. I can have some empathy there for sure - that must be awful to feel that out of control or that out of touch from reality. I can't imagine coming to terms with evidence like that. Still though, if they're not ready to get help, I'm not sure what the evidence can do.

[SunandMoon]

Has anyone else had the experience of their BPD partner or other pwBPD having no memory of things they said while in a rage?  Is this a common trait?

Yes, often! In the past when my husband would rage I would sometimes notice his whole person change - his eyes would go very dark and blank, so that he didn't even look like my husband. It was terrifying.

From what I understand, this is dissociation, where they separate from themselves in a "blind rage". My husband would usually have no memory of what he said or did during these episodes.

I used to think that was a convenient excuse but I now believe he is telling the truth. I think he got so flooded with emotions that he couldn't handle it and 'separated ' from himself and his actions.

It can also be very invalidating for us, who have to listen to all this ugly stuff and then have our partners deny it ever happened.

And now I am wondering if there is any way to take something positive out of this?  In general I have been working on not taking personally anything she says while enraged, and now I am thinking that if she doesn't even remember what she says, then maybe this is even more reason for me to not give her words at that time any weight?

Yes, exactly! What we are witnessing is emotional vomit! Everything comes spewing out and it's important to remember that much of it doesn't even have anything to do with us... .we're just the safe place for them to unload all the stuff that's been building up for however long.

These days I remove myself before it gets to that stage. I don't need to listen to ugly emotional vomit (especially if he is not going to remember all of it later). It's damaging to our relationship and he needs to find other ways to process his feelings.

[TRB]

Thanks everyone!  Sorry I've been silent for a while.

All of your responses were very validating and helped me to confirm that what I experience is "normal" for someone with BPD.  It is still difficult to deal with, of course.  I did find in the past that sometimes I would question my own memory of things she said or did because she so completely forgot it or actively denied it!  But I have gotten better at trusting my own memory.  One thing I did for a while was to write down the insults and other outrageous behavior immediately after they happened.  Then if she forgot or denied them later I could go back and confirm that my memory was accurate.  After I developed enough trust in my own memory I stopped doing this, but it was very helpful.  Now I know that my memory is not 100% accurate but that I do remember the basics quite well, and when she completely denies that something happened at all I can be confident that my memory that it happened is correct, even if I may not remember all of the details perfectly.

It is very helpful to hear from other people with similar experiences, just to know that this is not my fault and that I am not imagining things.  It also helps me to have compassion for my partner, even though as you all know this can be very difficult when the behavior she forgets about was some very painful attack against me.  But I am working on it and she has been working on many issues relating to BPD (even though she does not use that term), which gives me some hope.