No Contact: Realized I can absolutely not communicate with my ex

[Cease and Desist]

Hello,
I finally came to the realization that I absolutely cannot communicate with my ex girlfriend who suffers from BPD (and other comorbid disorders that were all diagnosed by professionals). It has proven to be the most difficult decision I have ever had to make by far. I know that healing cannot happen for either of us if we keep in contact. I have her blocked on all social media, email and phone. This is really hard, my mind is in overdrive and also, my job is probably one of the most emotionally taxing ones that you could imagine. I just wanted to vent a little. I am just now starting to understand exactly what caused the relationship to repeatedly fail and it’s a hard pill to swallow because of the sheer amount of contradictions and senseless arguments that go on. I truly feel for both parties envolved in this experience.

[once removed]

post relationship communication can be so trying and difficult. it can be good to get some healing space.

tell us more. what happened?

[Cease and Desist]

We had been together, off and on, for almost 2 years. What has been making her episodes so much more extreme and hurtful is her constant drinking to self soothe. She actually initiated this last breakup so “I could know what it feels like”, then blamed me for giving up so easily. We have been apart for about 3 weeks now, and this is day 4 of absolutely no contact. Before I went NC, she called me at 2:30 am (I didn’t answer) and she texted a song that previously meant a lot to us, plus the lyrics. The next day, she texted and said “you called?” My reply was no, you called me. What’s up? She immediately calls and said I called her from a blocked number the night before and hung up! No matter what I said, this was the truth to her, and that is usually a cause of fighting between us. I have just had enough. I can’t help her anymore although I love her so much. I’m trying to get over the guilt by shutting her out, but my hands are seriously tied. It’s like if we remain in contact, we are repeatedly breaking up over and over again, even though we are already broken up.

[once removed]

i feel for you. not only can post relationship communication in these cases be really volatile, and draining, especially when one party initiates a breakup as punishment/to get their way, but no contact can be really anxiety inducing for one or both parties.

its good to have a clear understanding of why, when, and how to use this tool: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

its critical to have a strong support system, a community of folks that get it, to belong to. as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, i am glad you found us. we can help. additionally, do you have family and friends you can lean on during this time? have you considered seeing a therapist to work through all of this?

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you so much for your response. I do have an amazing family and wonderful friends that I can lean on, for that I am extremely grateful. This message board and other sites have also been helpful for me to realize that I’m not alone. I have not seen a counselor, but it seems like a good idea.

[Mustbeabetterway]

 :hi:and welcome to the bpdfamily family.  Your situation aounds very difficult.  I think that you will find many members here who have experienced similar circumstances in their relationships. 

The drinking does really compound the problem.  My uBPDh from whom I am separated would drink and then want to have a serious discussion then the next day not remember a thing and want to have the discussion all over again.  Maddening!

Also it sounds like you experienced a lot of push and pull - for example breaking up with you so you will know how it feels and then being upset because you gave up on the relationship. 

It is helpful to realize you are not alone.  Great that you have supportive friends and family.  I think you will find a lot of support here.  Feel free to respond to the posts of other members.  Sometimes it helps to get involved in the conversations that are going on.

Take good care of yourself during this stressful time.  Many of us rely on exercise to reduce stress.  What types of activities do you do to relieve stress?

Mustbeabetterway

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you so much!

I recently started a band, so that has been a huge outlet for frustration. Two of the song lyrics I have written are about my situation. I often go downtown and walk through the park just to get out and listen to music. Music has always helped me through rough times. There are beautiful bike trails where I live and riding my bicycle has helped tremendously as well.

[XSurvivorX]

My friend, NC is the absolute way to go.  Just about everyone here has been through this and understands how difficult and painful detaching can be.

You've absolutely gotta do it, though.  Now is the time to settle focus on you.  About three years after my divorce, my ex dBPDw sent me an email to wish me a happy birthday. She said that she didn't even know why she was sending it but it felt wrong not to send it, and that she was sorry that someone who meant so much to her was no longer in her life.

My response? "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm more used to having people in my life come and go, and thinking little more of it."

Boom - that just happened.

I honestly had to stop war-gaming the "what ifs" and the relentless cycle of asking myself why; there is no complete closure from a BPD relationship. There is little rationale when you try to do a postmortem to glean insights from it.  My best advice to you is this: 100% focus on you, so no contact at all! Don't play back into those tendrils that once had woven their way into you; chalk it up to "it was the BPD" and move forward on how you want to see yourself growing in the future.   

There IS life afterwards. Happy healthy life, at that!

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you, Survivor!
This most recent and FINAL breakup was almost a full month ago. This is only day 6 of no contact, but it’s been the longest that I haven’t spoken to her since we got together, 2 years ago. I finally came to the realization that yes, a relationship isn’t possible whatsoever if she refuses therapy for BPD and drinking. Of course I miss the good times, but what I don’t miss is the constant defending myself for no reason, accusations, aggressive behavior, the “well, I won’t be around long anyway”, all of the times I gave her more of myself than I had to give just to calm her down, I was even accused of being abusive when we spoke last! The negatives go on and on and on. I’m just glad I finally got out! I know the emotional damage is done, but I won’t allow it to get worse. I also know I’m not going no contact for retaliation in any way, it’s just so we can both move on and heal.