Very strange contact from BPD ex. What do you make of this?

[BasementDweller]

Hi everyone! 

Many of you know that I split from my BPD ex and moved out of his house 2.5 months ago. The last two months I was there, he was totally dissociated, psychotic, paranoid and hostile. He basically discarded me, though never really tried to make me move out. Just yelled at me how he hated me and wanted me gone. So I left and got my own place.

I have mentioned in other posts that he initially offered to help me with the move, then dysregulated again, raged at me again, and withdrew the help. He has been really inconsistent ever since, saying that he never wants to see me again, wants NC, then still brings things over for me, can at times still be helpful, but also still makes hurtful comments, so he's all over the place, and very inconsistent in his words and actions. Since I moved out, I have heard all of the following in no particular order, in any random pattern, sometimes more than once or in the same meeting/conversation :

"I hate you and never want to see you again"
"I still want to be friends someday, but it will take about six months."
"I want no contact with you, do not bother me."
"You can email me if you need anything from the house".
"Your email is blocked." (It isn't.)
"You can send me snail mail if you need anything from the house. Not email, that's blocked." (He still emails me and when I answer it goes through. I snail mailed him asking if I could have some of the vegetables I planted in the garden. He did not respond, but has allowed me to have other items... .)
"I want all your stuff out of my house, it's not my responsibility anymore." (When I ask him when he can allow me over to pick it up, he says he's not ready for that.) (?)

Last time he was here, he brought my new bank card that arrived in the mail. He was making harsh remarks, but in the end told me to have a nice day. The pin arrived a few days later, and he offered to bring the envelope over. I told him to open it and email me the pin, and so he did, then I changed it at the ATM. That was a week ago, and I haven't contacted him for a single thing since.

As mentioned on my "Dating while Detaching" thread, I'm seeing someone. Bad timing I know, but it just happened that way. Not sure how serious it will get, but we go on about 1-2 dates a week and chat a bit in between. It's easygoing and no pressure or stress. He's really calm and nice. But I was with him last night, and my ex emailed me at 19:30 PM on a Friday with this:

Hi,

I've decluttered the kitchen shelves containing bakery stuff.
Threw away too old stuff and put your stuff in a paper bag, about a 3rd full.
Do you want the stuff? Or should I toss it?




Me: 10:00 am the next day:

Hi *****,

Is it actual baking dishes and pans, or just the ingredients?

Him, immediately after: I already tossed it since you didn't reply.
They were only ingredients, mainly half left packs of cocoa and flour and such.

Me: Ok. I’m sorry. I didn’t see your email last night. Thank you for asking, though. :-)

No further response.

Is this just weird BPD inconsistency? From wanting all my stuff out immediately, to not being ready to have that happen, to... .writing me on a Friday evening to offer to return some half used dry goods that I haven't even thought about in months? I went and got all the kitchen stuff I needed or could fit in my apartment already. And some of my pans and dishes ARE still there. But despite prompting, no mention of those more important items... .just cocoa and flour?

I know BPD can cause sort of a "one track mind/act in the moment" sort of mindset. Was it really just that it seemed relevant to him in the moment? He hasn't once yet written to offer me to come get anything that he thought I might need or want. I usually have to ask him, and hope he is regulated enough to allow it. FWIW, he has not been vindictive, harassing, stalking, or anything like that, Other than saying some mean things, he's been... .at least ok. He did not mess with my bank card or any of my mail. He has never been that way actually. Even at his worst he didn't do anything like that. But the dry goods thing was just really odd. Or maybe this is the nature of the BPD beast, and I shouldn't be surprised? They just contact you about random things after saying they hate you and want NC? Any insight from anyone who has experienced similar would be very welcome and appreciated.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi BasementDweller,

I experience this from my uBPDh often.  We have been separated since January.  He will text me that he never wants to see me again, then maybe hours later or the next day he hopes to be friends some day, then we will never be friends, he said he would keep the dog (originally his dog - a gift from his parents, but more my dog)  while I was out of town in the spring and then he said if I brought the dog he would take him to a shelter, then he decided he would keep the dog after all - I boarded him at a kennel.  Just a few days ago he called me and then when he didn’t like my reaction to what he said (which was like ugh) he hung up on me and then texted that I had reinforced that we were done.  He said good luck and goodbye and then today he has been texting me pictures of the house he is remodeling and asked me to drop by and see it. I actually could make a list of these contradictory things complete with name calling, etc a mile long, but you get the picture.  It sounds very similar to what your ex has been saying to you.

I blocked him for a day and he started calling our grown daughter asking where I was and I don’t want her being in the middle and dealing with the stress of that so I have unblocked him.  Now I don’t feel like I have to look at it and respond if I don’t want to.  I also put my phone on do not disturb during the night so I can rest well. It is really crazy making.

Hopefully he is about ready to move out of the house we own together and we can sell it.  After that, I should be able to make a more clean break, as in we can separate our finances.

 I realize that while we lived together this is part of what kept me off balance, anxious, and never knowing what could happen next.  At least now I’m not living with him and have distance which allows me to live more peacefully.

I definitely can relate to what you are experiencing.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[MeandThee29]

Typical.

We went through all kinds of drama selling the house and dividing everything. We set up two households in different states.

He demanded that I move there and leave behind everything here including our two young adults. I refused.

Silence for several months.

Now he wants to reconcile with all of us.

My head spins.

[BasementDweller]

Meandthee, mustbe, - thank you for your replies. It was as I suspected, and I guess I shouldn't think much of it. I guess the "think and react in the moment" thing probably rules a lot of the seemingly random and inconsistent actions of pwBPD. Most people would find it bizarre that someone who insulted you the week before would send a perfectly reasonable sounding email offering you flour and cocoa. I suppose to him, while he was focused on decluttering the kitchen, it made sense and maybe was even a helpful gesture. "See, I'm a nice and thoughtful guy." Knowing BPD, he may have been hurt that I didn't respond right away. He likes to remind me that he has me blocked (which he really doesn't) but when he reaches out, he expects an immediate answer. I have even gotten mails like "I have some mail to deliver to you. I will unblock your email for one hour. Please respond." 

It's his way of feeling in control, I guess. Meh.

This time, he gave me no time limit, and I didn't respond for nearly 14 hours. Yet, when I did - I wasn't blocked. Ah well. I guess this is what I have to look forward to. I can handle that - like you said, mustbe, I live in relative peace now, with an odd interaction every week or two, which after 2.5 years of constant, in-my-face madness, is tolerable.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi BasementDweller and Meandthee,  I have been thinking about this some more and I think it’s a combination between black and white thinking and impulsivity. 

For example,  sometimes tender memories cause loving thoughts toward my husband and then some other thought can cause unpleasant or hurtful memories to surface.  I usually don’t act on these thoughts but just observe them and let them pass.  I know they are both valid and both will pass.  In other words, I regulate myself.

However, persons who may have trouble regulating themselves will have a thought and think it is absolute and don’t think about the shades of grey.  They have an impulse to act on that thought or feeling.  A person who is impulsive will feel compelled to act on that feeling or thought right away,  not remembering that it will pass.  Then another thought or feeling comes up and they act on that one, never mind that they may be contradictory.  In my observations, the contradictory nature doesn’t matter to someone who is impulsive. 

What do you guys think?

Mustbe

[BasementDweller]

Hi, mustbe! I think that makes perfect sense, actually. A really good example is when he says in a harsh way that he wants all my stuff out, but when I say I’ll come get it, he says no.

One minute he wants all traces of me gone, then I think he realizes that it will mean just that. There is no reason why after I have removed everything from the house, I can’t just truly disappear. I think he can feel both things simultaneously, too. The classic “I hate you, don’t leave me.” It’s so sad. That we came to this. I’ve never had a rancorous break up in my life. I had hoped I never would.