advice on reconnecting with BPD mom and siblings

[zachira]

I will be seeing my BPD mom, and brother and sister with BPD traits while on vacation. I have been low contact with all three of them, since I was told by my siblings I was not welcome to come for Christmas 2017 for no apparent reason. I have been in therapy for many years, and my improved self esteem seems to have escalated the attacks on me the last few years, as I have refused as much as possible to be drawn into the unhealthy triangles. My mom went into a tailspin over my not coming for Christmas, and her BPD behaviors escalated. My brother and sister are a team, and blame me for all that goes wrong, especially my brother, just like my parents did with certain siblings. I will be seeing mom and my brother about once a week, and staying in the same place as my sister for about two weeks. My brother-in-law is great, and my sister has actually improved a lot since she went to therapy herself. Any advice on how to not turn this time into more family melt downs with me being blamed for all that goes wrong. Pour on the advice, as I am really going to have to work to keep my cool and not lose it with these people when I get crucified.

[Learning2Thrive]

Pour on the advice, as I am really going to have to work to keep my cool and not lose it with these people when I get crucified.

Wow, I super sincerely admire your willingness to take this on.  

My advice while you are with them is to make sure you have your cell phone (charged)on you at all times and an exit strategy for every situation. Also, as much as possible make sure you have healthy, rejuvenating timeouts just for you. Meditate, exercise, nourish your body, mind and spirit. And try to have a safe space for you to rest/sleep. You are worthy of excellent self care.

Before you go, I recommend practicing all the tools available.

Have you thought of practicing potential scenarios and how you will react to them? We could do virtual role playing if you want?

  L2T

[Harri]

hi zachira.  L2T said a lot of what I would normally say.     Exit strategy is important.  Always have credit card, cash, etc on you.  Can you bring a friend? 

Things to remind yourself of:

~ you are an adult and are not trapped- you can walk away at any time without explanation, just a graceful goodbye if that.  allow yourself the freedom to say *enough*.  Remember 'No." is a complete sentence.

~ they will act however they want to and it has nothing to do with you.  Remember everything you know about projection and scapegoating and put the responsibility for their reactions, nastiness, meanness on them.  None of it has anything to do with you.  Not one bit of it.

~ Remember, as family who have known you forever, they know your buttons so of course they are going to hit the worst ones (they are the ones who put most of them there anyway).  their ability to target the worst ones is not skill and does not make them powerful... .it is what they know.  Don't give them more power than they deserve (which is nil!)

~ Anxiety is a normal response to this sort of situation but it will not last. 

~ You have already survived the worst.  You are stronger now and they can't hurt you now like they did before. 

~ Practice Mindfulness (I think you already do that though... .just do it more!  )

What sort of things cause you the most worry zachira?  Like L2T said, we can brainstorm together on responses.   

[Woolspinner2000]

This is tough stuff, Zachira! You've gotten some good advice. What you are heading into reminds me of the situation with DH and me going to MC, and the time outside of MC when I can become so reactive as my triggers are activated.

One thing is that I would say to limit your time with them above all. The more time you spend with them, the greater the chance for deeper conversation and then going off to the races. Another idea spoken from my own experience is to chose the time of day when you will be around them. For example, late at night when I am tired and more vulnerable is definitely not a good time for visiting and talking. Can you choose the best part of the day to parallel when you are at your prime?

Have your handy dandy phrases available like Bob the Tomato in Veggie Tales: "Oh, look at the time!"   And off you go to your safe place.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Try the arrangements with your sister, but if it doesn't work out, and you become the center of the family projections, have a getaway plan. It could be anything from a few hours to yourself, to leaving early, or going to stay in a hotel.

When I visit BPD mom, I stay in a hotel and keep visits brief and with structure- we go to lunch or the movies. Sitting around in her house with no agenda may be too much of an opportunity to get into drama. I have stayed at her place a couple of nights but I tend to remain on guard with her so staying somewhere else is easier for me. A sibling may not be as difficult. But also consider it may be a positive thing if she has had some therapy or become more aware of the family dynamics- there is a possibility for a better relationship.

I like the idea of taking time away for yourself to regroup. Take a walk, go out for coffee. I sometimes sit in a Starbucks nearby just to get some time to regroup. Offer to run errands like going to pick up more food just to get some time to yourself.

When I get home, I need some self care tools. I buy some nice bath salts and soak in a tub, take a walk in the park, binge on Netflix- I tend to be serious and not spend too much lazy time but I think our inner child needs to be indulged a bit after these occasions.

[Panda39]

Watch for emotional triggers.  Tap into wise-mind.  Be "in it"... .in the interaction but also be an outside observer... .what do you see?  What is the dynamic?  What is your observer/rational brain telling you?  Then take what ever action you need to take for yourself... .everyone has given you great ideas there.

Panda39

[Pina colada]

Do you have a book you can bring that you can refer to when you are alone?  I read and reread Psychopath Free which is my go to book now.  It will be challenging but it sounds like you are "aware".  Sometimes I have very literally bitten my tongue... .not too hard of course just as a reminder to my myself to let it go.  Best of luck and remember, we are all here for you!

[zachira]

Thank you all for replying to my post. You have given me many helpful suggestions. Most of all, you understand my situation in heartfelt ways. It helps so much to know that others care and I am not the horrible person that my family makes me out to be. Being on this site since Nov 2017 when all hell broke lose has been my salvation. I appreciate all the people who have kindly responded to my posts and helped me to understand what is happening and how to deal with it.
The plan for now is to limit my contact with all of them. I plan to go visit mom who is home bound about 3 times, and not stay long as there is nothing to talk about and never was. I will visit when the caretaker is there so mom will be on her best behavior which does not mean good behavior. I will see my brother who lives with mom. He is the one who kicked me out of Christmas. I know he wants to kick me out his place which I now live in, and I will have to deal with his wrath. I am now working on finding another living situation so I will not have this connection any longer with my brother. I will be staying at the summer house which I own with my sister. I am thinking of selling that house after mom dies, because I will no longer need to go there. However selling the summer house, means I will be the one cut of the family, which seems to happen often with the family scapegoats. We are the ones capable of love and connection, and by objecting to all the family abuse, we are the ones who get ostracized. It is what it is, and with your supportive posts, you have given me the courage to do what I have to do to be completely independent of the family. It all takes time because mom has made us all financially connected, and it is going to take time to undo all these connections. I am moving forward with great sadness yet optimism that there really is hope for a bright future, and that growing up in a BPD family will be something I can mostly put behind me. Truly putting the impact of my BPD family behind me, includes becoming more emotionally available to others, so I can have more loving friends and finally be attracted to a healthy caring man, instead of one I can fix. I cannot put into words how much I appreciate the support of the members and staff on this site.

[Harri]

Did I already mention a bubble?  You need a clear bouncy bubble around you.  One that allows you to see and hear what they do and say but deflects any hurtful or nasty stuff they may do or say so that you do not get too damaged.  What they say and do has nothing to do with you... .it is all on them and about them.

Zachira, I am happy that you are feeling strong enough to do this and are prepared to maintain strong boundaries while woking on gaining even more separation.

Another empowering thing I try to remember is that I should be asking myself if I like 'them' rather than worrying about if 'they' like me.

As far as I am concerned, they are losing out on getting to know a very kind generous and smart person.  It is their loss.

 

[Learning2Thrive]

I am moving forward with great sadness yet optimism that there really is hope for a bright future, and that growing up in a BPD family will be something I can mostly put behind me. Truly putting the impact of my BPD family behind me, includes becoming more emotionally available to others, so I can have more loving friends and finally be attracted to a healthy caring man, instead of one I can fix. I cannot put into words how much I appreciate the support of the members and staff on this site.

What Harri said... .and sending so much love and positive energy your way, zachira. We are family here, thankful for you and cheering you on. You’ve made a positive difference in my life and I am grateful.

  L2T

PS... .Bubble... .bubble... .bubble—a beautiful, shiny, clear, bulletproof bubble of love surrounding you.

[Panda39]

zachira and her friends from the PSI Board out playing   

You got this and we are here if you get stuck.

Panda39

[Harri]

   laughing while sitting on my couch!  Thank you Panda.

Yes, zachira... .wear one of those!

Seriously, think of all of us surrounding you and playing ... .if that doesn't put a bit of a smile on your face let us know.  I am sure Panda can find more pics!

 

[zachira]

Panda
Thank you for the lovely bubble photo. I will keep that picture in mind when dealing with my BPD family members.
Harri,
I really am going to also keep in mind whether I like them instead of thinking whether or not they like me. I think this is really the key to overcoming all the damage done by growing up around people with BPD. We are in an endless battle of pleasing the BPD if we make it all about him/her. If we empower ourselves to think about if this person is worthy of us, then that shows we respect ourselves and expect others to do the same. I appreciate all the suggestions given. This is the one I will use the most, as I tend to be so hurt by all the scapegoating. People scapegoat others to feel better about themselves.
Thank you each and everyone who has posted for all your kindness.

[Fie]

Hello Zachira !


I know how stressful this is and I wanted to send you some positive energy.
I like the idea of trying to feel like you are in one of those things on Panda's picture !

One thing that has proven to work for me is practicing an exit strategy in my head. I have tried it with my mum, and it went like this : mum baiting, me getting nervous and trying to think about how to react ... until suddenly I realized : no matter how I will react, it will never be good enough for her ... she's baiting me. So, I told her : 'I have to go to the bathroom, let's discuss this in a minute'.  She looked very confused that I abruptly ended the conversation but said nothing. When I came back, she didn't raise the topic again.

I felt incredibly good about that. You can try my line if you want  :-)

[zachira]

I am back from my three weeks of reconnecting with all my family members with BPD and NPD, and it was emotionally devastating. I spent a lot of time crying in private, while doing my best to not lower myself to their level. Within a period of four hours, I was taken to the cleaners in person by my sister, than my BIL, and than by phone by my brother. The accusations are not worth wasting your time with, as they were all trumped up charges, and there is no credibility to any of their cruel accusations as I had not been a part of the family in any meaningful way for several months.
I had two short visits with mom, and she was abusive as usual, and I just didn't let it  bother me, as I have accepted she will never change. There is a part of me that truly feels sad for how impaired some of my family members are, and how they will never be able to have the meaningful life that I am leading. I would not wish BPD or NPD on my worst enemy.
When I got back last Friday, I was feeling down and exhausted. The last few days the cloud has lifted, and I am feeling joyous. I have been asking myself for years when will the pain ever end. It seems I process one painful event, and then another comes my way. It seems that I have now done every thing possible to have a relationship with my family and to process my trauma, and my mind is finally ready to let go, and let me have the happy life I truly deserve.
One of things that is helping me to feel better, is recognizing I do have some wonderful cousins who are there for me, and I do not have to be excluded from the family. This means I will go to family reunions and celebrations and enjoy my extended family, while continuing to maintain low contact with the immediate family. I recognize I can be civil to the immediate family, and it feels good to like myself enough that I don't have to retaliate by doing the kind of mean things they are doing to me by doing these types of things to them.
Thank you for all your kindness and listening to me in the most painful of times. I want you to be a part of my joy as well.

[Kwamina]

Hi zachira

Thanks for the update! The Board Parrot has been thinking about you. I can totally imagine how emotionally challenging this would have been considering what you've shared before about your immediate family-members. I am sorry you spent so much time crying, but as Pete Walker says, healing can help transform our tears into self-compassion

Very good that you did not take their bait and remained calm. Your calmness only illustrated the extremeness of their positions and behaviors even more.

Glad you got through it and great to have you back  

The Board Parrot

[Panda39]

Hi zachira,

I was wondering how things went too.  Sounds like it was both difficult and freeing.  I'm glad to hear you have a connection to your cousins and can have that relationship with them.

It's great to hear you will be focusing on yourself and living your best, most authentic life moving forward.

Missed you around here 

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

... .and my mind is finally ready to let go, and let me have the happy life I truly deserve.
One of things that is helping me to feel better, is recognizing I do have some wonderful cousins who are there for me, and I do not have to be excluded from the family. This means I will go to family reunions and celebrations and enjoy my extended family, while continuing to maintain low contact with the immediate family. I recognize I can be civil to the immediate family, and it feels good to like myself enough that I don't have to retaliate by doing the kind of mean things they are doing to me by doing these types of things to them.
... .

zachira,

Very well done. You have grown so much. I very much admire your strength. 

L2T

[Fie]

I want you to be a part of my joy as well.

Thanks, Zachira. That's quite moving.

[Harri]

It seems that I have now done every thing possible to have a relationship with my family and to process my trauma, and my mind is finally ready to let go,

Knowing this is like dropping a 20 ton block off your back isn't it?

I want you to be a part of my joy as well.

Thank you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Zachira,

I remember you taught me about going through those old files in my mind that were trauma files of memories. You mentioned how as we worked through them, they would become less powerful and controlling in our lives. It was such an extremely hard thing you did, facing your trauma and memories quite literally, yet I can hear a new found strength in you even now! 

So glad to have you back. I thought of you often and prayed for you.

 
Wools

[zachira]

Thanks once again for all the caring support. You are the people who truly understand, along with my therapist. I really can't share what goes on with my friends in much detail as it is just too overwhelming for them. At first when I got back I was just plain emotionally exhausted. Then I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Then I got depressed. Now I am feeling content again, and am starting to take the steps I need to make a better life for myself. I realize my family is not completely to blame, as I have made bad decisions that have limited my quality of life. Now, it is up to me to forge the road ahead and I finally feel empowered to do what I have to, after facing the brutal truth about my family members. I am no longer hoping for a better ending with them, and no longer am feeling ashamed of all that has happened. I have survived terrible life long abuse, and am able to pick myself up while seeing so much light at the end of the tunnel.

[Harri]

I realize my family is not completely to blame, as I have made bad decisions that have limited my quality of life. Now, it is up to me to forge the road ahead and I finally feel empowered to do what I have to, after facing the brutal truth about my family members.

This is wonderful.  Hard truth but as adults we have choices and I know I made some bad ones and have allowed my past to define me in spite of being totally determined not to let that happen.  When we know better we do better.  I think that applies to choices as well.

I have survived terrible life long abuse, and am able to pick myself up while seeing so much light at the end of the tunnel.

   

[Skip]

Thanks for the update. 

[zachira]

"I know I made some bad ones and have allowed my past to define me in spite of being totally determined not to let that happen."
Harri,
You hit the nail on the head with this one. We are victims of terrible abuse, which leads us to sometimes act in ways that are not in our best interests. I feel like I have spent my whole life learning not to act like my family members. In the process of being the scapegoat of the family and expected to be invisible in terms of my needs and to occupy the scapegoat role that I was assigned, I have made some choices that have really limited my quality of life. I have never married, had children, bought a home, or been as successful career wise as I could have been. I am sad about how I have sometimes not treated people right. I do have some wonderful friends though. I have been in therapy for 10 years precisely because I found myself to be way more immature than most adults, and it was so frustrating to sometimes act in ways that made me unpopular with others, and less likely to succeed in having a happy productive life.  It is so hard to face that to my own detriment I have bought into the family script for too much of my life, and I have indeed learned many negative behaviors from my family. I am striving to be the best person I can be while recognizing I will never be perfect, as none of us are. I am different from my family members in that I have an incredible capacity to look at myself, take constructive criticism, am committed to personal growth and helping others to become the best people they can be, especially children who deserve the best chance to fulfill their potential by being surrounded by loving adults.
Thank you Harri, and everyone who reads and responds to my posts. I am wondering if what I have written resonates with some of you. In what ways have you had to change, to become a better person and not be like your family members?