Did your BPD Mom/narcissist try to ruin things for you

[Star0009]

As a young kid with no voice my Mom tried to control my friends. The few I had and she told me 'its not fair if they don't like you." When I became a preteen My mom started physically abusing me then calling herself the victim so relatives would tell me how horrible I was. My Mom would call the cops on me as a 12 year old girl or run to realtives crying after attacking me. The few friends as a young child I did have she would say things like when it was time to come home if they had  somewhere with another friend. "Thats not fair to leave you out if they don't like you. Oh you poor thing."

It was always abuse, control and smothering and me being her adult confidant. For years I was afraid to get in a car with her as a pre teen bc she would drag me by my hair out of the car, argue, then I would find out she pulled into her place of work and next thing I know someone is coming out yelling at me for being an abusive daughter. As a pre teen I had my first love too who I miss until this day. My Mom was very jealous of this relationship even though she dated plenty herself. Years after I moved out from my Mom's house but was still a teenager. I hadn't spoken to this first love in like 4 years. I knew where he worked and he didn't want to date me. He was with someone else but I still loved him. I stupidly confided this to my Mother while we were driving around and she started driving to his workplace. I begged and pleaded with her not to but she refused. I stayed in the car as I watched her storm inside his workplace. She came out like ten minutes later and said he wasn't there but she spoke with his friends and coworkers. Who knows what she said to this day.

Even now the second I mention an old friend's name my mom contacts them and their family. I'm not friends with my Mom on social media but the few extended family i'm friends with, mostly wives of blood relatives who are at least friendly with me,  if I say anything to them my Mom is all over it. She will often leave loving remarks but all to control the relationship and take them from me and emesh herself with me as if we are one person.

Well I'm feeling very traumatized and its making me flashback. I'm dealing with a future mother in law who is very abusive and unhealthy and a therapist suggested  also has a personality disorder. Another therapist once told me that people with BPD mothers often end up with other personality disordered people in my life. This has def. been the case with me to the point I question how can this be. I'm not gonna go into all of her behavior but I know to stay calm and loving like with my Mom even when she is going on a rage or doing or saying things off the rail. I also know there are no boundaries. She always answers her phone one speaker and no matter how personal the phone call is the party on the other line is always clueless as to who is listening. Sometimes it can be a room full of strangers with the other person spilling their guts out. I know when I call no matter what I say I will be talked about when she hangs up. Also no matter what I do I will be gossiped about as most people are "horrible' people even loved ones who she has known for years. She acts loving to her face but she would want nothing more than me out of her life and her grown son living with her forever. Not a day goes by where we are not told we are moving in with her.

Well to get to ruining things. I mentioned in another post I was taking a class for sometime now. It is the only place I have built myself up and have some sort of friends. My birthday is coming up and she is loaded not that I care but I'm not and know she would buy me a gift card to a store where she dresses herself. Since she asked what I wanted I suggested she could help with one of my classes. Well that she just did. When the website didn't work right to pay for it she dragged me into the store with her after telling me she went off on everyone over the phone. When I came in they were apologizing to me as if I was mad. She was looking at me as if she wanted me to yell at them for poor her dragging her in with a physical disability. Yes she has a physical disability but this women gets around much more than most people believe me. These people I know and love and these poor kids who just started working there had been screamed at.

I should have never let her in my space but I had no idea she would pull one of my moms old tricks. I know there are worse problems and I called back the store and apologized and said she just gets moody and I'm sorry. Much like my Mom even for a gift there is always a price to pay. I know there are worse problems but I feel very violated right now. I guess I stupidly put myself in the situation. Any place she frequents is 'the best' and she knows everyone by name. Even if we get a sandwich somewhere she doesn't go to she paints the place black and refuses to eat it and makes a big deal that I troubled her to eat there. I just had no idea just like my Mom she would try to ruin the one thing I have. Thank god for these boards because I have nobody else to vent this kind of violation and I guess more abuse.

[Harri]

Hi Star0009.

Have you ever tried saying no to either your mother of future MIL?  What do you think would happen if you did?  Not just what they would do but what feelings would come up for you?

[Turkish]

Another therapist once told me that people with BPD mothers often end up with other personality disordered people in my life. This has def. been the case with me to the point I question how can this be

From When Parents Make Children Their Partners - Kenneth M. Adams, PhD

As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we re-create our family in adult relationships. This is an effort to work out and resolve the childhood pain. Yes, the family system continues to affect one’s life even when one is no longer living at home and has dismissed childhood as gone and best forgotten.  

That's why I ended up here,  as did many of us. We didn't know better. We don't know what we don't know.  

I read also of your mother's abuse in another thread.  Those things were really nasty and cruel... .

What prompted you to ask for help with the class, aside from it being a normal and safe request,  objectively, did you hope that it was safe and that she wouldn't turn it into a major drama?

[zachira]

It has taken me years to reconcile how my mother with BPD and NPD was always competing with me, and did not want me to succeed in anything including relationships and jobs. My sister is very similar to my mother in this regard. To this day, mom talks about how glad she is my brother never married his girlfriend, even though my brother has been dead for 10 years, and his former girlfriend deceased for over 25 years. Mom did everything to break them up when they were dating, including constantly telling my brother how unattractive his girlfriend was.
My heart goes out to you having both a mother and future MIL with BPD. Just know that having the courage to go to therapy, and look at how having all these people with BPD in your life affects you, will lead you to healing and being able to reduce the negative influences in your life of people like your mother and future MIL.
Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Learning2Thrive]

To answer your thread title question:

Did your BPD Mom/narcissist try to ruin things for you

Yes. Every chance she could. Birthdays, holidays and any special occasion where she was not the official spotlight person.

So sorry you experienced this too. It’s terribly painful. How are you helping yourself heal from this abuse?

L2T

[Star0009]

Thanks for everyones responses.
I'm sorry for others who had to deal with this. My mother also has to be the center of attention and she is very attractive so it often works for her but positive or negative she will steal the spotlight.
My future mother in law paid for the class the last several years for my birthday with no drama. Like I said she likes to boast how rich she is and I can barely afford the class. She also values learning and being educated even though her son never finished high school even and I at least have a college degree. Not that it matters to me but she hasn't worked in years but is always judging me. I'm barely making it in life recovering from my family and still dealing with the tail end of it. I have been to therapists some more helpful than others but I'm moving in several months so I'm between seeing therapists right now. I'm finding these boards helpful as an alternative for now. In someways it is like group therapy. When she asked what I wanted for my birthday I thought this was a win win. She had paid in the past for my birthday and even though she will talk bad about me behind my back no matter what I do at least this was asking for something she wouldn't go tell people I was wasting her money on or something like clothes. I had no idea she would make a scene and try to ruin it for me like my Mom. She has done tons of other shady stuff over the years but this was a first. I once went thru a drive thru with her and she yelled at the young poor looking teenager for charging her the wrong price on the soda. She sped out of there in her huge suv after screaming at the poor girl and then went on a rage to me that the girl was stealing change in her apron. This was not the case at all and this is coming from a women who likes to brag about being a millionaire. Her son/my fiance stands up to her even worse than I do my Mom which is a whole other issue. I know much like my Mom she would love to get a rise out of me and get me angry. I know she would fly into a rage and paint me even more black to others. She always wants me out of the picture even though she says she loves me its all bs. The second we have a fight she is trying to get me to leave her son and hook me up with some guy she knows. She did manage to break us up thru lies years ago before I knew her personality. Its not worth the aftermath. I will say no nicely to things but never to rock the boat. Her new title for me is "her problem child".  For no reason. She always calls us children even though I'm almost 40 and her son is into his 40's. She loves to buy me cooking magazines and stuff to cook and be a housewife to her son which he would love but that is not happening. One day cooking mags. started coming to me in the mail. I was so mad I just threw them all in a pile for 2 years unopened. She finally asked if i wanted it renewed which was to try to get a rise out of me and stir up drama because she knows I don't cook. I politely said she could stop for now because I have tons saved now to cook from but I will tell her if I will use it again. That is as much as a no I will give her. Its not worth the drama. Its better to stay calm and low contact.
So to answer the other question I did stand up to my Mom in the past. I was met with rage and like a child she tried to stir others up that I was treating her poor. She denies any abuse in screaming and a very scary voice. For years she did not abuse her side of the family so they thought it was all me. Since she fixates on me and I'm her scapegoat they just clump me with her and ignore me or are verbally abusive to me themselves. Last time I saw her 2 summers ago I stayed at her childhood home/the home of my single 90 year old grandmother where my uncle also lives. My Mom, grandmother and I all went to the ocean and my Mom is a constant whirlwind of control and drama from her. The night before the trip ended my grandmother was having chest pain. My grandmother went to call an ambulance and my Mom refused to let her. She wanted to get dressed first and drive her somewhere. My 90 year old grandmother put her foot down and said "Goddammit I'm calling an ambulance". My grandmother sat down on a chair and started to dial. My Mom came bolting out of the other room with just a shirt on. It was like 12 at night. She was wearing no pants or underwear just a t shirt and she wrested my grandmothers cell phone out of her hand as she was dialing 911. I had to remain calm bc if I got mad at her it would have made things worse and I had to get my grandmother care. My Mom finally got dressed and we drove my grandmother to a late night clinic and thank god she was ok. The next day my grandmother had plans to go somewhere with friends so we were all prepared to drive the 3 hours back to her house from the ocean. My Mom of course was jealous of this and I knew she would ruin it for my grandmother but I stayed out of it. She wouldn't let us pack the car yet acted like the victim she had to do it herself. She was supposed to do it while we were asleep sure enough the next morning nothing was packed. She yelled at us in the morning when we tried to help so we had to sit and wait. My grandmother would already not make it back on time. We left but she wanted to make sure so as we were already thirty minutes on the road my mother threw a fit and turned the car around back to the ocean where she made us eat lunch. We then got back on the road. My grandmother was so mad at this point she started to get mad at my Mom. My Mom started to speed down the highway to the point I got scared and started pleading with her to slow down which just made her fight with me. She finally pulled off the road and drove us strait into a concrete ditch which she somehow got us out of, parked the car and got out and walked off into a cornfield for 40 mins. When my grandmother got on the phone to explain to my uncle what was going on. He was gonna come rescue her, not me. My Mom got back in the car and the rage got worse as she accused my grandmother of talking about her which she was for good reason. My Mom finally drove us home/back to my grandmother's house. My uncles scrambled to get her a ride to her friends late so I was left alone with my crazy mother. At that point I don't even know what happened but she was still trying to poke at me so I called my brother to come get me. I was so upset I was just shoving everything into a bag so I ruined my laptop because I put soy milk in with it that exploded. In the mean time I blew up on my Mom yelling as I usually get to the point of calling her a horrible mother. She flung herself across the kitchen floor and was begging me to hit her which of corse I did not but she would have loved that. By the time my brother arrived she had parked her car sideways so nobody could get out of the driveway so my brother had to drive over the lawn with my Mom chasing us trying to open the door shouting "I want to come too!" My grandmother always just says 'I think she took a pill'. UGH. My Mom texts me how much she misses me everyday and when can she see me. If I told her all of this she would prob. gasp and say "oh stop being so dramatic" Then yell at me and not allow me to hang up the phone. That happens a lot lately if I call so i just text. If I call her she jumps from one bad topic to the next and is always trying to use family members who don't talk to me to bring me pain. When I say I have to go over and over and she won't let me I end up having to hang up on her where she then flies into a rage and calls me back over and over. I finally give up to keep the peace and send her a heart emoji and say sorry and take all the blame. So yeah sorry long story but saying no does not feel good. It gives me anxiety of the huge storm to come. Its so hard not having a Mom and family but also ones that are mean all the time.

[Turkish]

What your mother did to your grandmother by taking the phone was a felony. 

[Star0009]

Wow. Yeah. My grandmother doesn't want to hear it. My Mom still a 'good mother who has had such a hard time in life.' My grandmother is over it and ignores all my Mom's bad behavior or like I said will just say "I think she takes the wrong pill'.