I really need help I’m unhappy and feel trapped (first post)

[Evonut]

Hi everyone,

I think the subject says it all. I don’t know what to do!

I love my wife very much and we have been together 18 months. We got married in August and recently she is 8 weeks pregnant.

When we first got together, she did explain that she had BPD, however I was naive to what this meant and took it with a pinch of salt. Due to my wifes behaviour becoming more and more irrational, I decided to research and learn about the disorder. Thus learning that I have fallen victim to all the traits of someone with BPD right from the start of my relationship. For this hole time, I though I was the one doing something wrong, but now I have realised that all this time I have been controlled by fear and manipulation.

My wife is obviously pregnant, therefore has stopped taking her medication and I can’t cope. It’s draining me and making me ill!

I can’t do right from wrong, she says nasty things and I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I am starting to not want to be around her and I fear our future.

The most worrying thing now having researched the disorder, I have realised that I have made many decisions based on fear! So I feel hopeless and I don’t know what to do.

I’m thinking of leaving home for a few weeks, but not sure if this is the right thing to do, especially while she is pregnant. However like
I said, she is making me ill.

I really need to be given so help and direction.

Thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Evonut,

Telling you that she was diagnosed BPD is pretty brave of her. It must be scary for both of you that she went off her medication (and understandable, for the baby).

Did you research the disorder on the Internet? Or did you find books to help you make sense?

What are some of the decisions you feel were made based on fear?

What is the hardest behavior you're dealing with at the moment?

Do you plan to leave the home because of her, or is it something else? (and does she know)?

Glad you found the site

LnL

[Harri]

hi and welcome to the site.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brought you here.  As you read and post more you will see that you are not alone and that many have been in similar situations.  The good part of being on this type of board is that you can build a support system of people who can pass on what they have learned and also, as you respond to others you can gain insight into your own situation.  So again, I am glad you are here.

What sort of behaviors is she engaging in that makes you feel like you have been controlled and manipulated?  

The most worrying thing now having researched the disorder, I have realised that I have made many decisions based on fear! So I feel hopeless and I don’t know what to do.

This is an important realization and it is a behavior we can help you with as you learn to use tools and communication strategies that can help you not to act (or react) in fear.  As you share more, we can help guide you.

Are you in a position where you can get help for yourself?  What about your wife?  Is she in therapy?  Since she knows about her disorder, is that something she would be willing to do while unable to take her medications?  Has she ever been to therapy?

Please feel free to jump right in and post in other threads as well as your own.  Read too.  Be sure to check out the articles on the right hand side of the page too.

EDIT:  I cross posted with livednlearned, sorry for the repetition... .

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear of the tough situation you are in.  livednlearned and Harri have asked some good questions.  I'd encourage you to not make any major decisions until we can help you get your bearings.  This is a great place for support, and we can walk you through learning some coping strategies that can help improve things.

RC