I am having a hard time with his devaluation of me

[island21]

Hello,

I am new here.  I suspect my husband has BPD but has not been diagnosed.  I am here because I am having a hard time with his devaluation of me and I am worried that it is going to take away what LITTLE self esteem I have left.  

We have been married for almost 18 Years.  His Son died in 2007 and I feel like that is when all of this started and progressively got worse.  Can a traumatic event like that cause this? I did not recognize that this could possibly be a personality disorder until a few years ago when these episodes got a lot worse and more common.  I began to write down the things he says to me so that I can somehow keep them separated from me because it seems like when I read them it seems to be a little easier to label it devaluation and the BPD talking and not necessarily true about me.  He has never been physical but a few times I have been scared that he was about to be.  During his rage he is so angry that he trembles and has so much hate in his expression and it looks like he is either contemplating hitting me or using enormous restraint so that he doesn't.  

It is hard to hear some of the things he says about me and not believe them.  Some of the things he says during his episodes are that I am fat, unattractive (I have gained about 12 Lbs from my normal), skin looks bad (aging?), He wants a divorce, I am dumb, I couldn't make it without him, says I am one of those women that wants to get hit, hopes my next husband beats the F*** out of me, He is smarter than me, My ex boyfriend (19 years ago) was practically paying him to take me, he married down, the only reason he stays is because of the dog, I suck the life out of him, He hates me, Hates my family who he refers to some of them as really degrading names and and many more snide and sarcastic comments.  The disrespect is really bad. Then he will give me the silent treatment for anywhere from 1- 4 days and then wake up and either sit me down for the divorce talk again or act like nothing happened.  Usually, I continue to do the same things I always do during these silent treatments, like cook our meals, do our laundry, I will talk some if I don't think I will be lambasted.  Later he will say that I just sweep our problems under the rug.  

He recounts things inaccurately and exaggerated.  He definitely uses black and white thinking. He is very negative.  

He recently retired and episodes have been more frequent.  He seems depressed alot of the time.Every time he says It is OVER and we need to plan a divorce. Sometimes he leaves for 1-2 days.  I used to cry and try to reason with him and sometimes even apologize to try to ease the confict but I feel like I am so used to it, and so RESENTFUL that this is the husband I have, and also I have read alot about BPD so I can sometimes not internalize it but sometimes, I am SO SAD that he feels this way about me.  Usually now I just tell him he has BPD and that he needs help.  I know this is probably wrong but I do the best I can during these onslaughts.  The funny thing is, he never denies it.  It's like he knows.  But he wouldn't get help.

During these silent treatments following episodes, I am always toggling between knowing that the episode will be over soon and he will be nice again, and feeling drained from all of this and thinking I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this.  I also question if maybe this is just a marriage that is falling apart, and that he just fell out of love with me and maybe it is not BPD causing this?  

It is hard to hold friendships together because he values and devalues them too- although most of the time he doesn't do it to their face.  I have always thought that he had extremely high expectations for others/me/friends and even himself.  
One minute he wants to be around friends and the next he wants to hide from the world and doesn't seem to want to be around anyone.

Thanks for listening, I really needed to get this out.  Would love to hear any comments or suggestions.





 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

His Son died in 2007 and I feel like that is when all of this started and progressively got worse.  Can a traumatic event like that cause this?

It can. Many people can manage BPD traits, but stress makes it much harder.

[Skip]

Every time he says It is OVER and we need to plan a divorce. Sometimes he leaves for 1-2 days.  I used to cry and try to reason with him and sometimes even apologize to try to ease the confict but I feel like I am so used to it, and so RESENTFUL that this is the husband I have, and also I have read alot about BPD... .

Threatening divorce is very hurtful... .it sucks the life out of us.

Usually now I just tell him he has BPD and that he needs help.  I know this is probably wrong but I do the best I can during these onslaughts.  The funny thing is, he never denies it.  It's like he knows.  But he wouldn't get help.

Sound like things are really going downhill. Is he serious about divorce or just being hurtful?

[island21]

Threatening divorce is very hurtful... .it sucks the life out of us.

Sound like things are really going downhill. Is he serious about divorce or just being hurtful?

I am not sure.  I think just hurtful, after a few days he always says he doesn’t or just starts to be nice again never acknowledging we had a problem a few days before.

[island21]

Well its been a month, and here we are again.  The divorce talk, the hateful rages, personal insults and verbal abuse, untrue accusations... .i am trying not to JADE but how do I not when he says things so outlandishly untrue about me and my thoughts and intentions.  He gets meaner each time.  He keeps crying, This is one of the worst episodes I have seen.  We were in the middle of  negotiations to buy a home when the seller insulted him by his counter offer and he blew up on me.  Says it was me and the marriage is awful, etc.  i am completely broken down from it. It seems totally unfixable.  Everything i say to help or calm him he says something horrible back.  He has been angry for 4 days.  I dont know what to do.