I think I've developed PTSD

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I don't say that lightly, as I know several people with PTSD (including my daughter). But I don't feel safe anymore. I can't sleep. I'm hyperaroused all the time, especially at night. The doorbell rang yesterday and I went straight to panic mode thinking it was my daughter. I am absolutely terrified to hear from her. I keep thinking she will find my new phone number.

She has never physically threatened me but I've been through so much emotional hell with her. My therapist said last week that she has been emotionally abusive to me. It's easy to think that because we know what causes something and understand where it comes from, it's not abusive.

I'm going to have to talk to my boss and see if I can take a couple weeks off. I can't function on three hours of sleep a night. I'm going to ask my therapist about EMDR. I'll talk to my psychiatrist too.

I keep telling myself it's not logical. But after four years of constant crisis... .And most of all, every period of silence from her has been followed by a successively worse crisis. Every time, without fail. I've come to terms with losing her, I do not want to hear from her. So all that's left is my terror of being forced to talk to her, of being subjected to more.

I'm scared I'm going to completely fall apart.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

HB, I’m so very sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and I just want to let you know that I can relate to what you say. I went through a period myself where I wondered whether I had been traumatised by the emotional abuse that I suffered from my uBPD son. I personally don’t see how any of us can survive all the drama and trauma and come out of it unscathed, I know for a fact that I am not the person I used to be.

I remember well the very last time that my son stayed at my house, I convinced myself that he had come back to kill me. It was totally absurd but it was a measure of how affected I had become. I didn’t relax until he moved out. And then after he had gone I used to dread him visiting and all the time he was here my stomach was twisted in knots and I was terrified of saying the wrong thing. It was a horrible, horrible time.

And then NC comes with its own form of abuse. Yes, the peace and lack of drama is wonderful but that peace comes with it’s own price to pay, as I well know.

HB, I understand that you are scared that you are going to completely fall apart. I’ve been there too, it’s not a great place, but it does get better. You are strong and we are here for you x   

[wendydarling]

Oh HB

I'm so sorry you feel terrorised in the safety of your home, hang in there you can do this HB, you're acting, putting everything in place. We're here for you, lean on us   Have you called your boss?

How's your H?

PTSD is real!

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you WD, I have a call with my boss this afternoon. It shouldn't be a problem but I love my job and I hate that it's come to this. I also still am working on my masters degree, which work is paying for, so I cannot take a break from that.

FB, I'm sorry you went through that too. I have felt terrorized before with her and when she lived with us we felt like we were being held hostage. I've never had these sleep problems, though, not for more than a night at a time.

It doesn't help that we are watching my friends dog for a few months and she's really needy. I might have to ask my friend to fly back and get her. My friend is going through her own stuff but I had no way of knowing this would happen and her dog prevents me from napping because she either sits outside the door and whines, or she lays next to me and guards me and barks every time my poor husband walks by in the hall. And it affects my dogs too.

I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow. I'll see what she says. I have to stop taking care of other people though.

Thank you for you support, it means so much.

[Daisy123]

Oh HB,
So glad you are here. So glad you may take some time away to care for yourself. Do you have medical leave? I did so when my fears and anxiety was at its worst and had a paycheck. Thankfully there was a wonderful IOP about 30 minutes from my home. My mental health was spiraling and I needed much more treatment. My PDoc said she’d suspected PTSD along with a break into several weeks of mania.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this- BPD battle scars is what I say. That constant fear of the other shoe dropping along with the verbal abuse is too much for most. You’ve endured it for 4 solid years- you are a warrior.

Now it seems it’s time to put some serious energy into you.

Please take care and keep us posted. We are listening and here for you.

[SkellyII]

I don't say that lightly, as I know several people with PTSD (including my daughter). But I don't feel safe anymore. I can't sleep. I'm hyperaroused all the time, especially at night. The doorbell rang yesterday and I went straight to panic mode thinking it was my daughter. I am absolutely terrified to hear from her. I keep thinking she will find my new phone number.

She has never physically threatened me but I've been through so much emotional hell with her. My therapist said last week that she has been emotionally abusive to me. It's easy to think that because we know what causes something and understand where it comes from, it's not abusive.

I really feel for you, I've been in your position. During what I now refer to as the "Summer of Hell", I was constantly hyper aroused at night, with visions of my then 14 year old uBPD daughter plunging a knife or screwdriver in my chest while I was sleeping. She had a lot of anger at the time, was not yet diagnosed, and was also doing street drugs. While she never made a direct threat to me, she would refer to how easy it would be to kill someone, including herself. Her therapist referred to that period as the "Bad Dad" period.

Things came to a head shortly after that, she made her second attempt, and was hospitalized for awhile. While she was in the hospital, I took medical leave, just so that I could decompress.

She now has been diagnosed, seems to be on the proper meds, but sometimes I find myself getting nervous when things seem to be going what seems to be too well.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Skellyll, I'm sorry you went through that too. I'm glad to hear you daughter is getting treatment. I know what you mean about getting wary when things are too calm. We are conditioned to expect disaster around every corner.

Hi Daisy, I do have medical leave as well as some other types of personal leave. My manager was very supportive and I'm for sure taking all of this week off, and I asked if I could assess next weekend how I felt for next week.

I had a nice day actually. I had a good talk with my husband and mentioned that I want to exercise every day but I can't bring myself to go to the gym in this state. He told me to hop in the car and we went and bought a treadmill . I've always wanted my own at home but I'd never spend that much on myself. I really appreciate gesture from my dear husband and also it felt significant, spending our money on us. We have been on a super strict budget the past few years in order to help our daughter and not have her live with us. I convinced my husband to get a new phone yesterday. It feels good.

I went to dinner with some work friends and then ran on my new treadmill! I'm going to take a bubble bath. I'm hopeful I can get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to figure out how to tell my friend she needs to come get her dog... .She lives several hundred miles away.

[Turkish]

Psychological/emotional abuse has been found to be as damaging as sexual abuse, at least studied among survivors of both, to put this in perspective.  I'd believe your therapist and embrace the validation and seek help.  There's no shame in this.  

[wendydarling]

HB

Aw, I love your husband for attending to your needs, hop in the car lets go solve this, get you some exercise that works for you. And he's got the new phone he deserves.

SkellyII, I relate when you say you find yourself getting nervous when things seem to be going what seems to be too well, the road is not linear though what I have found is period between the episodes, crisis, gradually grows and grows as you'll see from my latest thread, so hang in there with us.

How are you feeling today?  

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Turkish and Wendy,

Thanks for your notes. I did actually get 9 hours of sleep last night, so feeling somewhat better. I went to take a nap and my friend's dog just drives me nuts so I have to get up the nerve to talk to my friend about it today. I see my therapist this afternoon so I'll ask her for advice. My nerves can't handle her randomly barking at my poor husband. It's driving him nuts too.

Thank you for checking in, WD!

[wendydarling]

HB

It's great you hear you slept and feeling somewhat better for that. Remember my GN (ok so he didn't bark ;) it was time for him to go and he has and we're SO much better, in such a short time. I'm sure friend will understand, she'll be concerned for you and you'll feel some relief having plucked up the courage to make the call.

Interested to hear what your therapist says about EMDR, I've always been intrigued by it.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Hyacinth Bucket

I can only imagine how difficult this must be. The uncertainty with which you live is shaking your emotional foundations and the platform is a little rocky.

So glad you are seeing a therapist and hope this is paying you many dividends in strengthening your base. You are no doubt a very strong person and you will find a way back to you.

Through my experience with BPD, and I echo words by FB that the pain in it and oit of it is consuming. I too at times have felt so lost and out of control that I didnt even recognise myself.

Glad you slept. It means everything at times

Hang in there. Were here with you

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi WD, I did talk to my friend and she was very understanding. She is flying out on Friday to get her dog, but she's staying for the weekend to hang out which I am very happy about. I think I will go ahead and take next week off, too, I think I need two weeks.

Hi Merlot, thank you. I will definitely get back to where I need to be. I am very lucky to have a therapist who used to do DBT and treat people with borderline, so she is extremely helpful. I'm also very lucky to have a job that I can take time off of with no repercussions.

  to everyone