Dating someone with BPD over long distance

[cburk717]

Hi,

I'm new here and I've been wondering if anyone here would be able to help me? I'm dating an amazing woman who has BPD traits and I don't. However, recently our relationship has been extremely strained because of some false allegations made by an ex girlfriend of mine against me. My biggest fear is that my girlfriend will be leaving me due to these allegations and her intense emotions. I'm always paranoid to try and talk to her about this as I don't want to hurt or upset her in any way. I know this is going to be an extremely difficult, but important conversation to have.

We are doing the long-distance thing right now and so far it's been going exceedingly well up until the 1st of October. I always try to talk things out with her to the best of my ability, but I have a few bad habits that cause some strain in our relationship. Again, these habits were learned due to an abusive relationship of mine. I've got a habit of running away when things get even remotely tense. But, I'm working with a therapist to "unlearn" some of these behaviors. It's not easy breaking a habit, but I'm trying. I'm also trying to understand BPD to the best of my ability.

I do my best to be completely honest with her, but again, due to these allegations, I've been paranoid and afraid to talk to her about these things. What I'm asking is if anyone here would be able to point me in the right direction on how to approach her? I always say to myself "Her BPD does NOT define her. I fell in love with who she is as a person and things will get better in time." We're both in school, so I'm sure that's adding to some of the tension between us. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can fix my relationship?

Thanks,

Cburk717

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry your coping with BPD, but are glad you're here!  Yes, running away can trigger a pwBPD's fears of abandonment, so we sometimes need to learn to stay, but we also need to combine that with boundaries to protect ourselves.  One useful method when things get too hot for a couple to talk calmly is to take a break from communications, but to do it with love, and always setting a time when we'll return to the conversation.  Times vary, but some say that at least 20 minutes is necessary for our bodies to calm down.

Can you tell us a little more about the past abusive relationship?  What happened, and how long were you in the relationship?  How long have you been in your current relationship?

RC

[once removed]

hi cburk, and

im glad you reached out, and i hope youll make yourself at home here as part of the family. a strong support system is really critical, and this place is a great benefit/compliment to a good therapist.

However, recently our relationship has been extremely strained because of some false allegations made by an ex girlfriend of mine against me. My biggest fear is that my girlfriend will be leaving me due to these allegations and her intense emotions.

youre safe here, if you want to tell us more about the allegations; it will help. what are the chances, do you think, of your ex escalating matters with the allegations?

I do my best to be completely honest with her, but again, due to these allegations, I've been paranoid and afraid to talk to her about these things. What I'm asking is if anyone here would be able to point me in the right direction on how to approach her?

honestly, in the long run, as i can tell you along with many others here, tends to be the best policy. delivery/approach can be a challenge, and our partners can be volatile and reactive... .for example maybe something is taken well at first, followed by acting out, or maybe things explode at first and cool down. we can help you work on an approach.

I have a few bad habits that cause some strain in our relationship. Again, these habits were learned due to an abusive relationship of mine. I've got a habit of running away when things get even remotely tense.

youre in familiar company, a lot of us have insecure or avoidant attachment styles of our own. the tools here can definitely help. it takes practice to change habits but its like letting weight drop off of our shoulders when we really make that shift. what sorts of things are you learning (or unlearning) in therapy?

[cburk717]

I was in an emotionally abusive, manipulative, and physically abusive relationship. I was the victim. She falsely accused me of being the abuser, when there's screenshots, text messages, and friend testimonies of her abusing me. Initially there were sexual abuse allegations, but those were dropped when her sister intervened and forced her to come clean about these allegations.  This was before I dated my current relationship with my partner who has BPD. My abusive ex used to tell me that if she couldn't have me, no one could. And, she tried making good on that threat. I was with my abusive ex for 9 months. I got out because of my current girlfriend. She made me realize just how abusive she was/is. My current girlfriend also made sure I took the initiative to get some help before I ended up worse off than I already am.

My current partner is incredibly loving and patient with me for the most part. It's within the last few weeks that things have gotten rather tense between us. I get it's hard because we're both in school and she works, but I still want to try and work things out and save the relationship. She's an incredible woman. I've been with her for a little over eight months and she's coming back to visit me just after Christmas and planning on moving in with me in the spring of 2019. I'm thinking a lot of it is because both her and I are in school and there's a lot of separation between us physically.

Again, I don't have BPD myself, but I do try to understand it to the best of my ability. It's very difficult for me to understand these things as I'm unsure about them. Part of me wants to say to her "Let's work some of these tensions out", but part of me knows what type of emotional response I could get from these statements. I love her more than anything and I see her as a person - not as someone with BPD. I try to work around the BPD.

[once removed]

how long has it been since you had contact with the ex? when was the last time she made threats?

how long have you been with your current partner?

lastly, what are the ongoing (last few weeks) tensions with your current partner?