My daughter is 12, not diagnosed. But suspected BPD

[Vsmom]

So I am here because I need to talk to someone. Anyone who gets it. My story will be long. Please bear with me.
My daughter is 12 now, but her entire life she’s been what I call my wild child. Overly emotional. Extremely attached to me, literally couldn’t put her down ever without her having a fit.
Always been emotional and just over the top with her anger and tears.
Never really thought anything of it, mostly because we also have a mildly autistic son. So you could say that much of my attention was on him mental health wise. I did make sure both the kids got time with me, my husband was not the greatest guy for a long time. So in reality it was me, while he was present sitting on the couch. He has changed in the last five years and is much more involved and caring and loving. 100% devoted father and husband.

Anyway, this last year things with my daughter has gotten even more intense. What I thought were preteen mood swings turned into so much more. Bouts of her crying herself to sleep because she doesn’t know who she is or what she’s supposed to feel. Saying she feels angry, sad, or nothingness.
She relies on me for almost everything.
Where my son was happy to start learning to cook, my daughter refuses. She won’t even try.
If she asks for something, and doesn’t get it she can erupt into tears and be angry with me.
Someone says something to her at school that is not meant to mean anything and she will obsess over it.
We dyed her hair black recently. According to her only two people complimented her. Everyone else noticed, but they didn’t say anything because it’s terrible... .even though no ones actually said anything like that.
She has, a few times, screamed at me out of anger. Horrible things. Immediately I told her that while being angry is ok, being mean to me is not. So far that’s kept her from being mean while in an angry state. But she’s 12 so I have no idea how it will be in a couple years.
She prefers to be antisocial. Has one or two friends but will get tired of them after a couple hours and start being mean to them. Making snide comments because she’s tired of socializing.
She refuses therapy. We tried it for a while. But she doesn’t like talking about how she feels. Unless it’s me.
She really really does attempt to avoid anything unpleasant or hard.

Yesterday was hard. She had a boy call her names. She doesn’t like him, but it doesn’t change the fact he called her names. Then a program she was looking forward to was changed, and we didn’t know so she didn’t get to participate. That turned into a full on crying session.
To get her to feel better I suggested we get the decorations for her upcoming Halloween party. That worked for ten minutes. Until we got to the store and found that most of the Halloween stuff was replaced with Christmas stuff. So now she hates Christmas.
I am honestly terrified of what today will be like when she gets home. Anyone could have said anything and she will immediately take it out on me.

I love my daughter. I want to help her before this becomes worse. My biggest fear is of her harming herself. I’ve noticed over the last couple months that she has started to become much more self deprecating. Before when I had told her that she can talk to me if she ever felt like she wanted to hurt herself she would adamantly state she would never be so dumb. But when I said it again yesterday she teared  up and nodded her head.

I also, just need someone to talk to. Someone who gets it. Not someone who’s going to tell me my daughter needs to toughen up and not be so sensitive. Someone who won’t assume my daughter is spoiled, because of her meltdowns when she’s told no or limited on something.

Anyway. Thanks for reading this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi VSmom,

Welcome to the board! I'm sorry circumstances have brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.

You know your daughter so well and are so in tune with her needs. There are some good books I'd recommend starting with: Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents, and Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
 
Would your daughter be open to doing some workbooks with you or on her own? There is a great workbook series for teens - I would start with Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for Helping You Manage Mood Swings, Control Angry Outbursts.  There are also ones for Mindfulness, Anger Management, Depression, Self Esteem, etc.

That might be a good way to help her learn skills until she is ready to see a therapist.

How is your daughter's relationship with her dad?

Let us know how your are doing!

[Vsmom]

She might be willing to try something. Just depends on how she feels on a day to day basis. I have been trying to get her to do her own research regarding BPD. She’s been a little reluctant, but will listen to me if I talk to her about things.

Her relationship with her dad is good. Like I said the last few years he’s been much more involved. Both of the kids have an awesome relationship with him.
But I am my daughter’s primary go to person. Dad is fun, and pays the bills and gets what’s needed and fixed stuff in the house. But mom is the one to talk to about everything and who fixes everything emotionally. And if you go by what my son says, I make the food because dad can’t cook .

Today was a better day for her though, so that’s good. Ended up going to bed happy.

[Bluewave]

This is my first post here though I've been reading for a long time. My daughter is 16 and has the exact same history as your 12 year old. Unfortunately for us, as time has gone on it has gotten much worse. There is a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that is associated with this site that has helped me tremendously. I known what you are going through. The stress is all consuming and nobody understands, especially if your child presents well in public. Please feel free to talk as I am happy to tell you more of my experience with my daughter.

[loveandcare]

If you strongly suspect that she has BPD, then I would suggest seeking out a professional who will be willing to at least consider that diagnosis to get you on the right path of treatment. Many, many therapists/psychiatrists are loathe to diagnose BPD in an under 18 year old, so you may find this a tough search. However, the sooner you get help that is specific for BPD the better. Didactic therapy is the gold standard for the therapy side of things. As for the meds, get a great psych on your side who is willing to work with you and try different combos.

We spent years being dismissed regarding our DDs BPD and I regret so much that we didn't get her help sooner. 

[Only Human]

Hello Vsmom 

I join Hyacinth Bucket in welcoming you to BPD Family. I'm new-ish here but I can tell you, you've found a great place for support. WE get it. I've also heard unhelpful advise from family and friends, it's so discouraging and lonely. My daughter is 25 now but was 12 when I realized, as you have done, that she was struggling beyond the "norm." I'm glad you're here and encourage you to post, read, post, repeat. It has really helped me.

Also hello and welcome to you, Bluewave 

~ OH

[stepmom123]

My SD had many problems starting around 12.  By her Freshman year of high school she tried to commit suicide.  She went to several treatment facilities and eventually ended up in Utah therapy for a year.

At 20 she was diagnosed with BPD.  They told us that BPD is not usually diagnosed until after teen years because it is a personality disorder.  These individuals fail to form an individual personality.  The personality is continuing to form during the teen years and we are much of who we are by our 20s.  Since these years are personality forming years, BPD is not typically diagnosed.

My SD has not tried to kill herself since high school but has been involved in life threatening situations.  She is about to turn 22 and is not working or going to school.  She refuses to learn life skills.  It is extremely frustrating and sad.

It is good you are considering this as a possibility for your daughter's behavior so you can manage your and her actions while she is young.  The books that are mentioned in the post were helpful to me.

Hugs.

[Vsmom]

The little time she was doing therapy her therapist had said that she suspected BPD as well as OCD and anxiety.
But as many of you said, no one will actually diagnose.
Honestly at the moment I’m at a loss as she refuses any kind of help or coping skills of any kind.

I’m at a loss.