New here - struggling to figure out how to deal with my husband

[nephthys]

Hello everyone,

I just finished reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and found out about this site through the book.

My husband and I began dating in high school when I was 14. I'm now 29 and we have 2 small children ages 2 and 4. My husband has always struggled to work and receives VA disability for combat related PTSD. He stays home with the kids, but most days he spends the majority of the day watching TV and playing video games. He makes sure their fed and taken care of and will play with them some, but there is no real structure, they leave food wrappers all over the house and get into stuff during the day and make messes when he isn't watching (of course, he always has an excuse for this).

I work full time outside the home, do the majority of the house work, and take care of the finances. My husband continues to run us into debt because he will buy video games that he wants and despite saying he wants to help me, doesn't actually do anything to help me make or stick to a budget.

Ironically, I'm a mental health therapist myself. Which means I spend my days interacting with people  with BPD  and
then come home  to these behaviors and 2 small children. After years of my own therapy and personal development, I feel like a light bulb turned on for me following a recent incident and I don't think I can put up with this anymore.

In the past, when I have come close to breaking up with my husband (or have), he has threatened to kill himself. He'll then become very apologetic for what he's done, say he sees it now and take responsibility and things are going to change and he loves me so much, etc. Etc. He's been in therapy, he's on medication, so anytime I say anything about it not changing he accuses me of not giving him a chance to change or not seeing his progress.

The recent incident was back in September. A little more backstory: My husband for years has pressured and guilted me into sex. He's had multiple emotional affairs and 5 years ago had a physical affair where he left and moved out for about 6 weeks before coming back and going into residential treatment voluntarily. He hasn't had any affairs since then, but he still feels like he needs sex more often and tells me how I'm making him feel unloved and unwanted. He also accuses me o cheating on him if I don't want to have sex with him, saying I must be getting it from someone else (I've never cheated on him).

So back in September I was angry that I was sleeping in once again on the weekend and yelled at him to get up and about how he doesn't help me (yeah I know bad idea).

So he gets up and storms in the kitchen and accuses me of cheating on him. I told him he was being ridiculous and I'm tired of dealing with this ___. (Yes, again I know how poorly I handled the situation. I had been dealing with his attacks calmly for weeks at that point and finally snapped). He glares at me, then storms off to the bedroom. I'm concerned about what he might be doing. So I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself and went in there to see what he was doing. As I turned the corner he gets his handgun out, loads it, and lays it across his chest (like not pointed at him or me) and is just giving me this look. He's never been physically violent towards me before, but I didn't know what his intention was so I was scared he was going to shoot me. He then sat down on our bed and put the loaded gun to his head, still staring at me the whole time as I beg him not to kill himself.

Of course afterward he broke down crying and apologizing. He told his therapist and NP about it, but of course he denied it had anything to do with me or the argument and I just happened to walk in before he did it. He has had a psychiatric hospitalization (not immediately afterwards but a couple weeks later when I "forced" him to because he continued making threats to kill himself). All the guns are now out of the house for the time being, but honestly I don't think I can ever trust him to have a gun again.

Which brings me to my issue of I don't think I can trust him again at all. I've dealt with this for 15 years and I just feel like I can't do it anymore and it's taking all my time and energy and our kids are suffering because of it. I just don't know what to do now. I want to do what's best for our kids, but I know I also have to think about my own health and sanity because they need a healthy mom. *Sigh* I'm just really overwhelmed and not sure where to go from here. Thanks for reading, I know that was a lot. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  You've found a supportive community with people who are familiar with the tough and sometimes harrowing situations that arise when living with a pwBPD.  I'm sorry to hear that you've got such a heavy load -- a demanding job, as well as small children and a husband with disabilities.  We can help you with coping tools -- many of which you may know, but the support and encouragement here can make a difference in applying them in actual practice.

Can you tell us what your support system looks like?  (I'm smiling because if you're a therapist, you've likely asked this question ;)  But seriously, that's a good place for us to start the conversation.  Do you get time out for yourself?  With friends?

RC

[nephthys]

I have a wonderful support system. Most of my family lives nearby and I finally told them about what happened with my husband getting the gun out. They are obviously very concerned now. They helped me immediately remove all the weapons the night I took him to the hospital. I broke down and told my supervisor at work about it too and thankfully I am at a very supportive job and they are doing all they can to support me and allow me time off when I need it. I've hidden or made excuses for his behavior for so long I think it's all just coming as a shock to most of the people in my life, but they do believe me. As far as coping skills, I do a daily mindfulness practice and after being a therapist for the past 4 years I have a long list of coping skills I know and practice, but surviving in this is still exhausting.

 I guess really I should have posted this in the other section because honestly after 15 years of this I'm just at the point where I think I want out because I don't think I can keep doing this and I feel like it's hurting our kids. And I'm tired of living this way. I finally see the apologies, telling me how wonderful and amazing I am, and promises to change and treat me how I deserve to be treated as what they really are... .just another part of the cycle.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the detail, I'm glad you have a solid support system, and are not as isolated as sometimes can happen.

It's certainly understandable for you to be hitting your limits, and the cycles are familiar to many of us.  How do you feel about prospects for further treatment for him?  Is DBT a possibility?  Has he had EMDR for the PTSD?

RC

[nephthys]

He's been in therapy for 5 years. He's been on medication for a little over a year. He did 5 weeks of a residential program after his affair 5.5 years ago (got kicked out because he made another resident feel unsafe... .he said he didn't do/say anything to this person and thinks it's because the psychiatrist didn't like him). He's done EMDR and CPT for PTSD symptoms. He's currently in an IOP program, but has never done DBT and is telling me everything will be different once he does DBT. All the other therapies haven't worked because they weren't the right type, he says, but this one will change his behavior. Which I get the research behind DBT and it's effectiveness in treating BPD, so I get the truth behind his statement, but he's said it so much over the years. In the meantime he still continues to pressure me to have sex with him, when I do not trust him and feel so anxious being around him. When I won't, he asks me repeatedly if I'm cheating on him or who I'm cheating on him with.

[Radcliff]

Many different aspects of what's going on can lead to trust and anxiety issues.  Since you mentioned him pressuring you for sex, maybe as a start we could narrow things down to things that make you feel unsafe there.  If you imagine yourself home with him on an evening when he's interested in physical intimacy, can you describe more about the trust concerns and anxieties that come up for you?  In other words, what would need to be addressed in order to establish the safety that makes intimacy possible?

RC