Even with all the tools / letting go is a daunting task

[99tesla]

About ten years ago, I endured and recovered from a tumultuous relationship and breakup. If that wasn't bad enough, the ex then spent a year directing a significant and dangerous amount of rage against me. I didn't know what BPD was at the time, or even that people like that existed. It took about a year and a lot of work before I could get through a day would feeling some kind of trauma. If there was a silver lining to that story, I blossomed afterwards in every way -- personally/creatively/professionally.

Fast forward six years. I met someone who was living a considerable distance from me (I was in Toronto, she was in Princeton NJ, about 500 miles but a short, easy flight). For over three years, we traveled back and forth regularly between cities, and I enjoyed my time in NJ. We traveled the world to so many places I can't count them. I was happy.

My job is rare and permanent necessitating that if we were to be together permanently, she would be the one to move. Fortunately, her position had mobility and financial stability.

This summer saw a birthday for me in Paris, followed by two weeks working on renovations with her in NJ, followed a late August drive across Ireland together and an early September visit to Toronto to celebrate her birthday. The day she returned home, she had a childhood friend from abroad moving in with her (from Sept-Dec) because that friend wanted to be closer to her daughter who was attending college in the US.

A few days later, I receive a cryptic text from the ex saying how much she enjoys having someone around all the time in her place. The normal chatter between us begins to wane and I write in my journal that it seems unfathomable that I could be getting ghosted. Her friend was going back to her home country for a week and the very evening that she drops her off at the airport, I get a text at midnight saying that she doesn't want to move to Toronto, doesn't want to be alone anymore and therefore is breaking up. There was no other discussion or explanation. That was it. I took it hard, of course, as I had been configuring my life in Toronto to support a move that I thought would be coming sooner than later. At the time, I had also been planning my own work to spend a month in NJ over the Xmas and New Years holidays.

I waited a week and asked her thoughts again. I didn't get much in return just the same statement that she didn't want to be alone anymore. That was six weeks ago, I have been no contact ever since and plan to stay that way. Her friend leaves in two weeks from the time I am writing this - I may get contact from her, I'm not sure, but I'm dreading it, regardless.

I'm writing on this board after thinking about the earliest events of our relationship. In fact, the very first hours and days. The beginning was intense. And I remember writing in my journal about how the first night we met, she looked at me trembling and said "Never leave me". It was strange, like if the evening was a movie, a few short frames of another movie got accidentally spliced in. It did "red flag" me and I was vigilant for a while. Early on after intimacy, she said it one more time. And then I never heard it again. I think this was the true her, someone who was very wounded and afraid of abandonment although anyone on this board knows that when things heat up, ultimately, we are the abandon-ees, not the abandon-ers.

Despite the distance, we shared good life experiences, so many that we should have been getting closer. I was, for sure. But reflecting now, I believe that she had started to detach about a year ago anticipating that everything was culminating towards being together permanently (or not).

The only glimpse I had of that other conversation in her head was during this summer when I made a road trip to help her renovate a new place. Around that time, I was having difficulty planning an exact day to make the trip as I couldn't find a pet sitter, I had my own home renovations to contend with and a few work obligations to wrap up. Nothing that couldn't be sorted out within a week. I receive a frantic call and text from her saying that she thinks I am stalling because I don't want her to be happy. I assured her that it wasn't true and if I was willing to drive 500 mi with my toolbox, it must be love. After and during that trip, everything was great, but I suspect that in her mind, it wasn't.

I enjoy photography and each year, I write and publish a book of my favourite pictures both online and in a bound book for myself. Sometimes one of those books becomes a gift for a close friend or family member. On the shelf, I see four books of incredible travels and memories that abruptly ended. I try to be grateful for those memories and experiences and tell myself that there will be more.

I disregarded a major tell of BPD in the very first hours I knew her: DON"T LEAVE ME. I don't know much about her childhood except that she grew up with a nanny, her parents had prominent and somewhat secretive positions that that kept them away from her. Her parents have since passed, leaving only a brother who lives 1000 mi away who she rarely contacts. Last Xmas, she was welcomed by my parents and the rest of my family. Perhaps it made an impression. Perhaps, it didn't.

Having been through this before a long time ago (and obviously not learned all the lessons), I am fortunate to have the tools, at least, to take care of myself. When there is emotion that feels like it has nowhere to go, it gets transformed into creative or athletic pursuits. And when that wave of sadness and confusion comes, I meet it head on like a tidal wave -- knowing that it will hit me hard but also knowing it will surely recede as fast as it came.

[once removed]

(and obviously not learned all the lessons)

we do a little better each time.

and you can learn them this time around.

im glad you reached out, 99tesla, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home here as part of the family. as part of your tool set, a strong support system and good feedback are critical in both working through this, and, as i found, beyond.

a sudden breakup is a significant blow. it happened six weeks ago, do i have that right? it probably feels like both an eternity, and a matter of minutes.

how are you holding up? what other things are you doing to take care of yourself?

[99tesla]

Thank you for asking.

For nearly ten years, I have made a year book of my travels and experiences. I had fallen behind with the last three years so over the course of about a week, I wrote all three books and published them. Three years of beautiful memories that were bittersweet to remember, but I felt it was necessary to move forward. They are on a shelf with the rest of the books. I have to remember that she was formulating and carrying out a complex exit plan and all that I was left to experience was something that is analogous to sudden death.

During her short breakup text, she said three times that she knew she was selfish. I had never said that to her, so someone must have said it to her, or maybe that what she tells herself. It will remain a mystery of the universe.

Although I work in a very technical area, I enjoy doing ceramics and I have been spending more time at the studio. I took out the cookbooks and found a few new recipes to try. I have kept up with my athletics, especially running which I enjoy. The long post I made today left me in a bit of tailspin throughout most of the afternoon but even if takes all day to muster the energy/will to get to the gym, I know once I'm there, the rest will take care of itself.

Again, thank you.

[conflicted55]

 Hi 99tesla,

 I have to remember that she was formulating and carrying out a complex exit plan and all that I was left to experience was something that is analogous to sudden death.

Is this something BPD's do? I have the sense that my xSOwuBPD planned her exit with the help of her previous partner. (looks like she has recycled).

Sounds like you have a good handle on BPD.

[99tesla]

From what I understand, recycling is possible. Mine conveniently had her oldest childhood friend move in for four months when the plan went into high gear. I presume this is to temper the effects of loneliness with this unwitting surrogate once the break up was done. I hope you have some good family or friends to lend you a hand.

The first line of the breakup text was “you are the closest person to me in my life” (too close, better run). Followed by  “maybe we can be best friends?” (So I won’t be lonely and I can still get many perks of the 3.5 year relationship at no emotional expense).

I tell myself it’s not a typical breakup and it will take some time and effort to get through it.

[once removed]

so this:

I get a text at midnight saying that she doesn't want to move to Toronto, doesn't want to be alone anymore and therefore is breaking up.

as well as this?

“maybe we can be best friends?”

is that right?

But reflecting now, I believe that she had started to detach about a year ago anticipating that everything was culminating towards being together permanently (or not).

what signs are you seeing?

[conflicted55]

We were friends before relationship. Now she wants to cut me out of her life. Which I am finding hard.

How do you feel about being best friends and staying in contact?

[99tesla]

How do you feel about being best friends and staying in contact?

I don't see that as a possibility, at least for me. No contact is best. Why expend energy on someone who will never visit you and has proven that you can be downgraded. I have far better friends than that right now.

One of her friends suggested that we could all still travel the world together. I would prefer to travel the world with a partner who loves me and who is on the same page as me.

Yes, this is conflicting. Yes, this is horrible. But reaching out, I believe, will only sustain an ambivalent situation and possibly create for me, immediate or delayed rejection. One of the last things I said to her was that I understand that she is suffering, that I acknowledge her loneliness, and that I hope she will explore why she feels that way. 

[Cromwell]

Hi and welcome 99Tesla

The title of the post is "letting go is a daunting task"

Yet I struggle to identify precisely what the barrier is to moving on. The statements are that you know you what you want, also that you have beliefs in what she wants and the way she thinks/possible agendas she has to serve her own needs, but a declaration that they dont match up to your needs - you want someone else that is a better match.

The word 'trauma' is here, is this letting go somehow linked to trying to recover from and resolve the experiences from the past of being with her.
can I ask what is the thing if you could pinpoint that is ultimately keeping you from letting go?

Is it a form of Guilt that you perceive she wont be able to cope as much as you believe you will, having tools you feel confident in that she lacks?

[99tesla]

Hi and welcome 99Tesla

Yet I struggle to identify precisely what the barrier is to moving on. The statements are that you know you what you want, also that you have beliefs in what she wants and the way she thinks/possible agendas she has to serve her own needs, but a declaration that they dont match up to your needs - you want someone else that is a better match.

The word 'trauma' is here, is this letting go somehow linked to trying to recover from and resolve the experiences from the past of being with her.

Can I ask what is the thing if you could pinpoint that is ultimately keeping you from letting go?

I have nothing but good memories and I am trying to cherish them for simply what they were. Over time, those memories will fade. Just not enough time has elapsed so far. The only analogy I can think of right now is that you consider yourself on a road, and you are walking away from that person. You might want to stop, you might want to look back, you might want to say something. That can be a daunting task and perhaps that can explain my title. You keep taking steps. After a while, that person is a blur and after more steps, you're over the horizon, and they have disappeared. I imagine that I am approaching the blurry phase of that walk.

Is it a form of Guilt that you perceive she wont be able to cope as much as you believe you will, having tools you feel confident in that she lacks?

We only communicated briefly a week later and she said she was in agony of some sort but would not elaborate so I cannot even speculate on how she feels currently. When she often said I miss you, I would reply that I missed her, too, because I did miss her especially when we were facing more than a couple weeks of separation due to the distance. Looking back, I wonder that the act missing for her was more poignant, deeper and painful that I could interpret or understand from her words. I asked her about it in our last communication, but she didn't answer the question. I asked her when she started having doubts about the relationship, too, but she didn't answer the question. I only received the same script as the late night breakup text.

I have never seen myself in the role of a caretaker to her so I don't feel any guilt in that respect.

To answer your question, while I had never considered anyone else during the relationship, her actions at the very end make me realize that I do want better.

[Cromwell]

My ex missed me to the point I was stalked on a minute to minute basis.

Being missed turned itself into - being missed for all the wrong reasons.

ie, I concluded in the end that "i miss you" really translated into "i need you".

Ive quit jobs in the past and been asked to come back. I use the same formula as I do for this relationship - im "missed" or more accurately, my ability do to a good job has been missed.

I never go back when it came to leaving jobs, I did go back many times to her, it was for my own needs and that was to get over an emotional trauma and find either closure. Its why I noticed the word trauma in your post. It sounds like she did something that became a deal breaker towards the end and its led you to feeling the need to draw a line under the relationship and move on.

It also sounds like there wasnt as much openness and emotional intamicy as you would have liked, you asked her more specifically to express how she feeled and got no answers, so left with the gap to try and fill in yourself. Many including myself, got trapped in this purgatory sort of phase, wanting to find answers, trying to come up with the best guess as to the rational behind our exs behaviours.

Eventually I found my own answer to it all - it was pointless. You were with her for 3 years, you will know her better than anyone else - if you cant figure out anything than the next best thing is guess work, does that mean searching to find an answer that will best soothe emotional trauma?

The times I did ask my ex specific questions, I most often got stonewalled. This in itself should have been enough to realise I wanted a relationship which was more open, less hard work or wrapped up in mystery. The time I spent researching BPD has only led to a revision of the guesswork I was doing; she likely on any given day, or moment, didnt even know how she truly felt about herself let alone what she thought of me. Again, those moments of "miss you" I take with a pinch of salt, a few hours, days or weeks later her frame of emotional driven mind could radically change.

i hesitate to use the word, "better", but I certainly want/need a relationship that is less intense and more stable than I experienced. Theres a lot that I might miss about her, it cant be bettered because like all exs prior, unique individuals with aspects that made the relationship unique and special.

Closure came with weighing up the good and the bad, and recognising there was no way of sweeping under the carpet the deal breaker moments. I made a mistake to continue because it led from what was emotional hurt became compounded by more to follow.