BPD husband

[Lady Rose]

Hello!  I'm new here.  My husband of more than 10 years has BPD.  I'm not even sure how to start.  There's so much.  I love him so much, but I'm feeling so tired and worn down.  I miss the man I thought I married.  I'm tired of always being accused of... .well, everything.  I feel like once a year he has a few days where he tells me how good I am to him, how I've stood by him through really dark times, how he's put me through hell and taken me for granted.  The rest of the time (according to him and despite my best efforts) I'm ungrateful and cold.  I ignore him and isolate him.  I shame him.  I disrespect him.  I make hateful faces at him.  I'm mean and always mad at him.  I've tried to be a better wife.  I know I can and should keep trying, but it just breaks my heart and I'm feeling discouraged.  I feel invisible... .like he doesn't even see me. 
I have a serious chronic illness and this triggers his fear of abandonment.  So I feel like whenever I'm dealing with a negative diagnosis or progression I end up comforting him.  I just wish it would be ok for me to not be ok sometimes.  I keep praying that he'll start DBT.  I want more from life... .for both of us and our precious kids.  Thanks for listening!❤

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey Lady Rose and

I'm really glad you are reaching out. You'll find tons of support here! I know how difficult it is when feeling like there's a lot of unbalance in the relationship. It sounds like it's a cross between him getting often triggered by his fears of abandonment and having difficulty being emotionally supportive.

Has he been considering DBT? Until or if he does, the good news is that there's a lot that can be done on our end that can improve such a relationship. How we react to a person with BPD when they are going off about how disrespectful we are can make a difference, such as asking validating questions. Here's a link referencing those sort of questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

Is there any recent argument/conflict you guys are having as well?

Anything else you want to share, please feel free! I know sometimes it helps just to talk about it and let things out. We are all ears!

[Bnonymous]

Hi Lady Rose,

Welcome to the boards! 

The rest of the time (according to him and despite my best efforts) I'm ungrateful and cold.  I ignore him and isolate him.  I shame him.  I disrespect him.  I make hateful faces at him.  I'm mean and always mad at him. 

This sounds like it may be a "feelings create facts" scenario. People with BPD are highly sensitive and have very intense emotions, when they feel rejected/unappreciated/ignored/ashamed/etc, they tend to assume that it's a fact that they are being rejected/unappreciated/ignored/ashamed/etc.

But, as YellowPearl said, there is help available here to learn ways of validating your husband and reducing these issues. I totally get how it doesn't seem fair that you have to help him while you're struggling so much yourself, but it can make your daily life together easier and, ultimately, reduce some of the stresses that his illness adds to your life while you're struggling with your health.

I have a serious chronic illness and this triggers his fear of abandonment.  So I feel like whenever I'm dealing with a negative diagnosis or progression I end up comforting him.  I just wish it would be ok for me to not be ok sometimes.  I keep praying that he'll start DBT.  I want more from life... .for both of us and our precious kids.

It must be very difficult having to deal with a serious illness without being able to count on your partner for support (and, indeed, having to emotionally support him through it).

Do you have other sources of support in your life, friends, family etc? I know these are no substitute for the particular kind of support we'd hope for from a partner, but they can still help enormously.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!  I a glad you are reaching out here.

I've tried to be a better wife.  I know I can and should keep trying, but it just breaks my heart and I'm feeling discouraged.  I feel invisible... .like he doesn't even see me. 

Often, when a pwBPD (person with BPD) is dysregulating like this they are not seeing you at all.  They often become overwhelmed by their own emotions and perspectives and begin to project or split or use a variety of poor coping skills to help avoid their emotions. 

I am not saying that to excuse his behaviors.  Not at all.  I do mention it to give you perspective and to help you realize that what he is saying probably has very little to do with you.  Depersonalizing the behaviors can go a long way in terms of helping *us* cope and figure out better ways to respond, whether that response entails boundaries, saying something, taking time for yourself, etc.

I hope you keep posting and reading and jump straight into other threads as that is the very best way to build up a support network and learn.

Again, welcome.