Is he threatened by my work?

[Ozzie101]

I'm not sure what to do about this but it's become very evident H and I have very different interpretations of work and priorities.

I'm a journalist for a large newspaper. It's an unstable industry and the pay is low, but I'm good at my job and take a lot of pride in my work. I also really like and enjoy my colleagues. I'm an hourly employee and I try to be very diligent about my hours. We're not supposed to go over 40 for the week without permission but I try to make sure I hit exactly 40 to maximize my pay. They're very flexible, though, on when you're there. Doesn't matter if you work 7-3, 11-7 or what as long as your work is done. Because it's a newspaper, the work never stops. If I'm gone, I have to prep in advance (I'm features, which pre-prints, so that's something I can do to some extent) and/or someone else has to do my job in addition to their own.

H is the boss at his workplace. He makes about 5x what I do (which he reminds me of a LOT). He's not irresponsible, but as the boss, he can set his own schedule for the most part. For instance, take a long lunch, go run errands during the day, attend his son's school events. He doesn't answer to anyone and also has a LOT of vacation time.

The hourly nature of my job frustrates him, as he admits. If I clock out for lunch, I'm having to watch the clock to make sure I get back. And I have to make up the time that afternoon or another day in the pay period. This has been my life for a long time so I don't think much about it. It drives him crazy.

Well, we're supposed to go out of town all next week. Then, the day after we get back and H's son comes back to our house, we're supposed to drive to visit H's bio family for New Year's. He agreed to this without running it by me or telling me about it, by the way.

I've told him that I can't miss work on Dec. 31. I'm out of vacation time, so it would be unpaid. Also, I will have a LOT of work to do in a short amount of time. I told him he and SS could go on up on Sunday as planned and I'll follow after work on Monday. He's accepted it, but he doesn't like it at all. Keeps lashing out at my workplace, my boss, says I should just tell them that I'm going regardless and they can just deal with it. Or threaten to quit. I'm not going to do that.

Thing is, I'm starting to think that missing Jan. 2 (as is the plan -- that's the day he wants to drive back so SS can start school on Jan. 3) will be a hardship too. But I dread telling him that. It will set him off.

The other night, when he was worked up, he told me that the way he sees it, I put my job before him and SS. It's more important to him than they are. Kept saying how he prioritizes other things. If there's something he thinks is more important, he'll rearrange his schedule to be there. He pointed to SS's class Christmas party as an example. H was there. SS's mom was not (had an important meeting). H says "Oh, you can reschedule meetings if you want to." I wasn't there either because, again, I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for being gone. This was an example to him that SS means nothing to me. I suspect, though, that his lashing out at me was really aimed at SS's mother for not being there. (Knowing SS, he probably didn't really notice or care. The only person he ever acts like he cares at all about is H.)

I was thinking, but didn't say, that H is the boss. He's ABLE to reschedule meetings. He can decide to just take off for the afternoon. He's not answerable to anyone. Not everyone else has that luxury and that includes his ex-wife.

For me, working, maximizing my earnings, being a responsible worker IS making my family a priority. I'm trying to make the most I can for my family. I'm trying to stay employed so I have my health insurance and retirement. And beyond that, just as a person, it's important to me to work and to do my job well. I do feel a responsibility to my coworkers too. My boss has been very good to me with some health problems and last-minute time out of the office for stuff for H and his family. I just don't feel like asking for still more leeway on things. I'm tired of becoming stressed at work trying to get things done well in a short period of time.

But I know I can't argue with him about all this. I tried (before learning about JADEing). Didn't work. As far as he's concerned, I put my job before him.

Anyone else run into this? Or have any suggestions on how to approach it when this comes up? I really don't want to stay up there for Jan. 2. It's going to put a huge amount of stress on me. Of course, not going would put stress on me at home. So, no-win.

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[Bnonymous]

Hi Ozzie101,

He pointed to SS's class Christmas party as an example. H was there. SS's mom was not (had an important meeting). H says "Oh, you can reschedule meetings if you want to." I wasn't there either because, again, I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for being gone. This was an example to him that SS means nothing to me. I suspect, though, that his lashing out at me was really aimed at SS's mother for not being there. (Knowing SS, he probably didn't really notice or care. The only person he ever acts like he cares at all about is H.)

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. He is probably hurt and anxious about SS's mother not attending the party. He is probably worried that SS's mother doesn't care about SS in the ways he thinks a mother should care and probably feels very helpless about that. So, in a way, he's just redirecting at you. But, in another way, he's probably genuinely worried imagining he's seeing signs that you will start to not-care too.

I haven't read all of your other threads, but I remember he has issues with family - is that right? He was adopted and recently met his birth family? He is probably dealing with some feelings of abandonment about that and is projecting them on to his son, worrying that SS's mother is abandoning SS, worrying that you are going to abandon SS, feeling like he can't protect SS from abandonment etc. Is he having any therapy to deal with the feelings that finding his birth family has brought up?

As to how to deal with it... .Is it possible to get to the root of it by validating his feelings (without confirming them) and seeing if he will open up more? The place he needs to get to is to understand where these fears come from and to recognise that needing to work sometimes is not a step towards abandonment - but this absolutely can't come from you - you're right that this would be JADEing and invalidating. It needs to come from him himself. Therapy might be able to help with this. I think all you can do is listen and encourage him to talk. The more he can open up, the better the chance that he will get to a place where he can join the dots, see how much of his anxiety is from the past rather than the present, and reassure himself that SS is not going to be abandoned.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Bnonymous. I've kind of suspected he's projecting abandonment fears. There are many times he's projected his thoughts and feelings onto SS. I don't think that's healthy, exactly. You're dead-on about SS's mom. H talks about her lack of devotion and poor priorities all the time. Thing is, I'm not sure it's all fair and accurate. I think there's some projection of H's own mother (who he believes wasn't 100% interested in motherhood). Complex stuff.

Sometimes, when he's in a stable place, he connects the dots himself -- though I won't do it for him. Unfortunately, he's mostly against talk therapy. He has made an appointment to start anger management, though.

[Harri]

Hi Ozzie. 

It is great that he will be starting anger management lessons!  Can I ask how that came about?

There are many times he's projected his thoughts and feelings onto SS. I don't think that's healthy, exactly.

It is not healthy not even a little bit.  It is common in parents who have BPD though.  They can't always see their kids as separate individuals.

[Ozzie101]

Anger management was his idea. Said it's something he's struggled with his whole life and he wants to try and fix it. He's a smart man and can be very self-aware at times. I'm hopeful but retaining skepticism. He's quit therapy before.

The projection onto SS is a realization I came to gradually and more recently thanks to things I've read here... But it explains his intense reactions at anything having to do with him.

[Harri]

Well, I can be hopeful and cautiously optimistic with you!