ultimatums can be legitimate, and at times necessary, but if theyre to be made, we have to be prepared to stand by them and live with the consequences. when theyre bargaining chips, they dont work so well.
this is also legitimate and at times necessary, but again, we have to be prepared to stand by it, and to live with the consequences. people with BPD traits dont always take "i need space" well.
i think your approach is fine. would you maybe want to shoot for talking in person again?
youre in a real rock and a hard place with the show:
on one hand, we have to pick our battles and our hills to die on. it would seem reasonable to skip a show, but obviously, this is bigger than the show, and she is likely to take the same steps again over something else. theyre tests to see if youll choose her. by not playing, in her eyes, you certainly arent choosing her.
its calling her bluff by and large, but the problem is that it still does damage over time. she feels like shes not a priority, she feels hurt and resentment, and it can erode trust.
on the other hand, we arent solving problems when its about being right (go to the show because you want to and shes being unreasonable). on the other hand, you cant reward threats (its over if you go) like that, and you dont want to go too far in sacrificing your hobbies and passions (compromising them is another thing).
its something to work on trying to nip in the bud over time, together. it will require a whole lot of listening and making her feel heard, showing that you genuinely understand that it feels to her like youre choosing something over her. it will also require, once she feels heard, is a little less on guard and more able to listen, stating your position, and your need to enjoy your hobbies and passions (compromising where you can). one thing the two of you probably agree on is that breakup threats damage the relationship, damage trust, build resentment, and should be phased out of your relationship... .that the two of you are better than that, and can work out your problems.
whether you will have a cooperative partner in that remains to be seen. this is very difficult.
Thank you
once removed. I don't want to give in to threats like that, and that's one of the reasons I don't want to just not do the show. Last year I was able to compromise with her, and was able to negotiate a bit to keep my phone on me so that I could still text her while I was at the show save for a brief period while I was on stage. I'd like to work out a compromise like this again, and additionally, as I try to reinforce with her, I don't even know if I have a role in the show! (Which is why I wish she would have waited until June to ask this, since if I don't have a role or decide I can't do it because of the time commitment, we wouldn't even have this problem :/) But it is exactly as you said, by not playing her game she sees me as definitely not choosing her, which is by far not the case. And she's outright said this. How can I get her to realize that it isn't a matter of not choosing her? I'm not sure what the best thing to say, using SET, would be for this. Validate that she's upset and feels like I'm not choosing her, but then what?
We do agree that breakup threats are detrimental, and we've had a few discussions about how they're not productive and weaken trust. I think she's trying to make me feel as anxious as she does, by threatening to leave and then just stopping communication for two days. Fixing this is going to take a lot of communication and I would like to shoot for talking with her in person more. I feel like that is the best medium to discuss things like this. I think she uses the erosion of trust as a bargaining chip as well, saying things like "I don't feel safe in this relationship anymore" or ""I've lost my security in this relationship" because I think she knows that those really hurt me since I try to make her feel very safe and secure.
The other thing about not giving in to threats, in regards to both of these items, is that they're one time things. Doing this show, this summer is likely the last time I can, for sure, for the next 5 years at least. And watching this television show with my friend for our fans, once we watch the episodes with this celebrity in, we won't be going back to them. Once these two items are done, they're done, and I'm more than willing to work on a way that she feels heard and validated while I do them. My only fear is that if I give too much or stop something, she's going to continue to use breakup ultimatums in the future to get what she wants, when I would prefer if we could talk and compromise so she doesn't feel like I'm not hearing her and like I'm choosing something else over her.
I sent her a message this morning calling her by her silly nickname we have for each other and just saying I'd like to talk. Because I do. I want to apologize first for not listening to her as well as I could have, and then I want to start a discussion where we can try and work this out. I appreciate all of the help and this great space to be able to work through this out loud. It's just all so difficult.
I love this girl so much and I just wish that I knew the perfect things to say so this wouldn't happen :/ I really hope 2019 is going to be a good year for us
