Ted Talk: On healing and forgiveness that I’d like to share

[JNChell]

Hope it does something for you.

Dolph Lundgren | On healing and forgiveness | TEDxFulbrightSantaMonica


The movie Rocky IV turned Dolph Lundgren aka Soviet boxer Ivan Drago into a Hollywood star. Exactly 30 years later the Fulbrighter Dolph Lundgren shares his personal fight worth fighting with a live audience at the Broad Stage in Santa Monica. “If you heal yourself you can heal others” is the message of this surprising TEDxFulbright talk about a fighter who became a social activist.

Best known for his performance in Rocky IV as Ivan Drago, Dolph has starred in over 50 films. He was awarded a Fulbright to MIT after graduating at the head of his class in chemical engineering at the Royal Inst. of Technology in Stockholm. He also completed an exchange program with the University of Sydney.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

[Harri]

This was interesting to listen to; hearing about what he experiecned as a kid and how he was able to overcome it, not in terms of his fame and fortune but by making sense of his own experience by helping others... .and therapy of course.

Thanks for sharing. 

[Turkish]

That was great.  I was happy to see him in Aquaman. 

When he spoke of the frozen place inside of him because of his childhood abuse, did you relate to it like when you froze and let your son hit you with the mop handle?

[JNChell]

I don’t know if I froze or just ignored it.

[JNChell]

I froze at times. The physical pain became overwhelming. I had to squirm and react. It physically hurt.

[Harri]

JNChell    I spent some time poking around on youtube after watching the ted talk you posted here and came across the following from Kid Care Canada.  One video in particular spoke to me about this incident you described.  It talks about the importance of Presence.

Presence is being open to what is happening while it's happening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq6giUmRxgM

Unfortunately, the video is short but he talks about how important it is for us who had a traumatic childhood to heal the wounds and get help, just like you are.  He talks about a father who was sexually abused but we can extrapolate the lesson.  

All this means is that you have some more work to do on healing, just like all f us here.  So keep working and fighting.  Parenting is tough.  It will bring things up from your past and push buttons but they can be managed when you pay attention, like you do, and bring them out in the open.

EDIT:  Mindfulness can help with being present.  I don't mean sitting with your feelings but rather to enhance the grounding work you do that keeps you in the present.  So practice when you wash dishes:  feel the temperature of the water, how it feels hitting your hands, the smell of the soap, how the dish feels smooth, etc.  You can also do walking meditation to help too.  Focusing on each step, being deliberate in how you move your legs and feet, feeling the ground under you.  There are all sorts of things you can do with mindfulness that can help connect you to the present.

 

ps. kid care canada https://kidcarecanada.org/videos/unresolved-trauma/

[Libra]

Thank you for the description of grounding and mindfulness... .I finally understand what people mean by that!

I watched several more videos as well. This one stuck out for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyODq3v64wg

Libra.

[JNChell]

Turkish, I am certain that that is what happened. My T asked me the same question after I described it to her. I just zoned out and let it happen without saying a word. It’s really weird in the fact that I felt the initial pain, but I wasn’t in it. It’s hard to describe.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri. Thank you for the links. Ridgidity and being in the moment makes sense. It’s actually very eye opening. “Earned Security” is also something I’ve not been aware of. Growing up in certain aspects of my life isn’t easy to face when I’m a salt and pepper adult male at 42. I know it’s necessary. I’m feeling a lot of grief and anger lately. I suppose that comes with knowledge.

EDIT:  Mindfulness can help with being present.  I don't mean sitting with your feelings but rather to enhance the grounding work you do that keeps you in the present.  So practice when you wash dishes:  feel the temperature of the water, how it feels hitting your hands, the smell of the soap, how the dish feels smooth, etc.  You can also do walking meditation to help too.  Focusing on each step, being deliberate in how you move your legs and feet, feeling the ground under you.  There are all sorts of things you can do with mindfulness that can help connect you to the present.

Funny you say this. I attacked the dishes/dishwasher when I got home from work. When it starts to feel really bad, is it important to practice mindfulness in everything that I do? I appreciate you.

[Harri]

When it starts to feel really bad, is it important to practice mindfulness in everything that I do?

I think it is helpful to do when feeling overwhelmed.  It can require training (ie practice) to be able to do it when things are all wonky so do it when you can.  For me it is about staying centered.   I know someone who used mindfulness as a way to escape and avoid... .it can be abused.  Used properly, it is meant to center us and keep us present.

About earned secure attachment, it really can be done.  The patient therapist is one such relationship where you can 'earn' it.  It is a process. 

Libra, I see mindfulness talked about differently by some people here.  It is a fairly broad concept.  I am glad what I said gave you some clarity on the subject.  We talk a lot about being mindful or sitting with your feelings, but that can be very hard to do when the feelings are unpleasant or overwhelming.  Practicing it as a form of mediation helps me to be able to use it with my feelings... .or at least I am better at sitting with them now.  I still mostly use it to practice with staying present rather than in the world in my head or when I am dissociating a lot.

I have a hard time with more traditional meditation.  I always try to do a speed for of meditation.    Or i fall asleep! 

[JNChell]

It feels really bad. Hopelessness is a symptom of C-PTSD. It’s full on. It’s weird. I know that things are getting better, but, at the same time I feel this dread. I don’t feel like things will ever get better. I know its nonsense and past noise, but it feels that way. I can sit here and tell myself with confidence that it’s over, but this crap keeps visiting me.

[Harri]

   I hear ya.  Hopelessness can be the worst to deal with.  It is so heavy and I find that feeling to be almost debilitating. 

I am here with you.  No need to talk though but if you want to I can listen.