My insecurities: wanting to be loved , abandonment issues

[Sandb2015]

I'm so damned confused and my mind is all over the place, add severe anxiety and a sense of panic.  I feel that all my feelings are basically normal to feel and I can't get a grip.  I've always been strong except for some insecurities, wanting to be loved (wasn't as a kid and came to grips about it), abandonment issues.  We are all imperfect and embracing them, wanting to know what makes us tick is a very healthy thing.  Sharing my weaknesses, my unseen imperfections was something I did with my love, she had her own and I embraced them, wanted to talk about them to let her know she's safe and I will always keep in mind.  Sometimes she discussed mine as an understanding as if it's okay and I know about you and it's fine.  I would share because I wanted her to know me as nobody ever has and also as an excuse for my reaction, lack of reaction overreaction.  I didn't want to make excuses for my fears.  I just wanted acceptance like I was giving, I didn't expect the same, didn't need it.  During episodes, she would belittle me with my shared imperfections so she could paint a picture of me that suited her need to treat me badly.

I said she had her own and discussed them volontarily, really without asking and as much as I knew we were so different, I appreciated her abilty to discuss them humbly without a "matter of fact attitude.

I know she loves me, I know it, her struggles have been work and it was obvious that she knew many of her issues but didn't know the healthy way to deal and struggled for us until maybe some stresses (family problem, worry about son getting into a good college, financial--I was a positive part of all of them) became so much she wanted to turn things off and go to the cocoon she finds "peace".  That "peaceful place" allows her to cut off any real and meaningful struggles mostly, our love, life and potential anything.  I'm just speculating.

I'm overly empathetic, I am grateful, I'd rather feel and get hurt than not feel and be?

I can be happy with my love, I can be strong and she can be too, she has exhibited the struggle for a good relationship even when it ended up throwing me out and not really cutting me of until this time, outside stress may be the cause, she may have reached her mental limit and cut as a survival.

My survival is different, I will carry on and find peace inside while observing how things effect me and try to see my reaction and if it's suitable for me and my love.  She does not have the specific tools I have, sometimes you can hammer a screw in without a screwdriver, not the easiest way, but getting it done and learning a better way for next time is positive thinking I just can't let go of.

I ask for all/any feedback, I know I have a "wordy style", perhaps more abstract than literal.

I'm trying to have things make sense and this board is so open, anyone else would make flippant remarks like run, she's crazy, she's called herself crazy and out of my usually controlled anger or frustration, called her crazy.

I wish life aspects of life were so easy to categorization, we know it's not.

This love, relationship, great connection the majority of the time was new in every way, so were her episodes, the rest were ingredients I have tasted before, this life with her, made them all taste better.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you posted.  Many of us here can relate to fear of abandonment issues and difficulty with anxiety.  You are in good company   .

No one here is going to tell you to leave or forget about her as you are the only one who can make that decision.  What we can do is help you focus and get to a better state and then you can begin working on you.  It takes time and right now I think posting and responding is the very best thing you can do for yourself.  Responding to others can help you get out of your own head. 

I read through your other thread and you got some good responses there.  There is good momentum.     Maybe focus on that for now?  What do you think?

I do want to reinforce something once removed said in that thread:   

what is important right now is to fixate, focus that energy, on what is within your control. if she came back tomorrow, you would need to be prepared. the tools here can help as much for your current emotional state as they can in the relationship long term.

The only thing within your control is you.  Sometimes/often working on us and learning the tools we offer here can significantly improve things but right now, I would give her and yourself some space.  It is early days yet. 

 

[Sandb2015]

I can't relate my gratitude enough for people that give themselves here.

Everyone is caring, willing to give advise without strings is really amazing.

Downs and downs with any support system, you folks are my string to reality and I'm grateful.

Thank you