S4’s mom is allowing me to take him to appointments

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This may be a positive change in the situation. Before, S4’s mom wouldn’t even inform me about appointments. After some pleading she would tell me after the fact. After more pleading she would tell me the outcome of his appointments the day of. I think that she is now willing to inform me of his appointments and let me take him myself. To let me be involved in his well being. I wasn’t really able to be the parent that I want to be when we were together. I’ve been slowly chipping away at that now that we’re apart. Things are mellowing out between us for the most part. I know that we both love our Son with everything that we have. Maybe that’s becoming the deciding factor here. She has shown a bit of grace in our arguments to say that I’m a great dad to him. That felt like a million bucks coming from her. I don’t know why I still hold stock in her opinion of me.

Anyway, I see this as a positive. I want to be involved in my son’s life. All aspects. Maybe this is a good thing that she is allowing me to finally do. Chipping away... .

[JNChell]

This may be a positive change in the situation. Before, S4’s mom wouldn’t even inform me about appointments. After some pleading she would tell me after the fact. After more pleading she would tell me the outcome of his appointments the day of. I think that she is now willing to inform me of his appointments and let me take him myself. To let me be involved in his well being. I wasn’t really able to be the parent that I want to be when we were together. I’ve been slowly chipping away at that now that we’re apart. Things are mellowing out between us for the most part. I know that we both love our Son with everything that we have. Maybe that’s becoming the deciding factor here. She has shown a bit of grace in our arguments to say that I’m a great dad to him. That felt like a million bucks coming from her. I don’t know why I still hold stock in her opinion of me.

Anyway, I see this as a positive. I want to be involved in my son’s life. All aspects. Maybe this is a good thing that she is allowing me to finally do. Chipping away... .

[Newyoungfather]

Hello JNChell,
I actually went through a very similar situation.  Do you have an attorney?  When this happened my attorney placed a clause in the custody order that medical appointments have to be schedule 2 weeks prior and within 24 hours parties have to be notified of the appointment.  I have 50/50 legal so this was a violation of the court order with what she did so that's why she agreed to it.

[JNChell]

Hey, Newyoungfatber. There isn’t a court order. We hurt each other a lot. I think that both of us want to avoid court so that we don’t hurt each other more. She doesn’t want it and I don’t want it. I don’t have an attorney. I don’t want one at this point. I think S4’s mom is opening up a bit. I think I’ll be happy with that at the moment.

[Newyoungfather]

Your very smart to avoid the court system.  I wish I could have done that.  In your case, I see this as something good that she is willing to communicate effectively with you.  Keep up the good work, I learned to always have set boundaries and remain cool in situations.

[Turkish]

You can typically file with the court without going to court.  We did.  The stipulation came back 2 months later stamped and filed with the county.  I drove the process with a lot of SET and assurances. 

[JNChell]

Tufkish, are you saying that I should get a court order put in place?

[JNChell]

Regardless of where things seem to be?

[Turkish]

I'm saying stabilize things, research it and think about it.  Back in the day I wouldn't give her a dime without an order.  I did start but the process was in progress.  It also protects your rights. 

Different situation, but the wife of a guy at work took off with their 3 little kids at christmas.  He's up the creek so to speak.  She's 2 hours away she's hardly takes his phone calls. 

[JNChell]

S4’s mom has shown her soft spot. I don’t think that she will try to take the boy from me. She has said as much and I do believe her words on that. She did the same thing to her exh with D9. I think everything is ok for now. Turkish, I don’t want to involve the state in my business unless I absolutely have to. I will never get married because of the state . I can commit, but I will never legally marry.

[ForeverDad]

I'll sometimes read a comment here that the best indicator for the future is the past.  You've been able to see her long term pattern with her exH and their child, that even without a court order they've managed to find a way for things to work out.  Well, more or less.  To some extent that's a positive indicator for you and your child.

One benefit of a court order is that the parent-in-possession can't arbitrarily change the rules with near total impunity.  On the other hand, it appears she has majority time and so getting yourself declared as the person whose home is used to determine which schools your child will attend would be difficult.  Usually the majority time parent also gets a lot of the decision making regarding schools.  If she moves around a lot then that might be a concern for you in a year or two.

I conclude your ex is not diagnosed but exhibits behaviors of Borderline PD, evidently a bit less intense and extreme than what many describe here?  I glanced at a few early posts, you two were in couples counseling and then she continued there separately.  That's good for her, so many with BPD described here are in total Denial that any of the conflict is their fault.

With the improved communication skills and tactics you've learned here you should be able to reduce some of the typical discord and obstruction to parenting.

[JNChell]

Hi, ForeverDad. Thanks for chiming in. I’m glad that you brought these points to light. I hadn’t really thought about things from this angle. The situation with her exH was much like ours for roughly a year after their final split. I’ve been able to piece together that she weaponized their daughter against him and would threaten to withhold the child from him. Reflecting on things, I can clearly see that as the cycles of splitting/painting black ramped up with me, that her relationship with him improved. He was the devil incarnate when I met her. She now refers to him as a friend. Looking at it from this perspective has me feeling a bit of optimism. When they divorced there was no mediation or trial. Also, to the dismay of the judge, she refused to have child support enforced. I was paying her monthly support (not court ordered) and she has since refused to further it.

I don’t think that she will be moving around much. She’s bound to a mortgage that isn’t yet equitable and she is vigilant about her credit status and bills being paid on time. I also believe that she is aware on how moving the kids around a lot can be damaging. She was moved around... .A LOT as a child and adolescent. I believe that she knows that this was negative for her. She drives a school bus for the school system that S4 will eventually be enrolled. It’s probably the best school in our area and she has said that she wants the kids to remain in that system. I also believe her on this. I don’t agree with several things that S4 has let slip about his mom, but for the most part, she’s a good mom. I know that S4 loves his mom dearly.

After being here for a little over a year I’ve concluded that she exhibits traits of BPD/NPD. Obviously, I’m not qualified to say that is Gospel, but the behaviors present themselves. I think she’s subclinical. To my knowledge, she’s still in therapy. However, when we attempted couples T it didn’t feel like an even/neautral platform for us to work from. S4’s mom was being validated for things and I felt as though the persecution was beginning to ramp up on me a bit. I could see where it was going. One thing that sticks out is during one of our “big 3” breakups, I told S4’s mom that I expected my vehicle to be returned to me if it was over. Her response was that if I didn’t let her keep my vehicle that I wouldn’t be seeing our Son anymore. I know I made a mistake here, but I was so emotionally drained and distraught at this time, I signed the title over the next day. I explained this to our T. The T said that it was a form of CS and saw nothing wrong with it. That was extortion. Unfortunately not enforceable because I willfully signed the title over.

I think things are gradually improving. I don’t want to fight with her anymore. I appreciate you opening up these thoughts. It really helps.

[Turkish]

In a certain way, this is similar to my situation. My ex agreed to below guideline support by $300/mo if $100 was put into each child's college fund.  So I got a $100/mo break.  The risk is she could file for additional support without change of circumstances,  but unless I'm a total   she likely won't do that.  A little less than 11 years and counting... .fingers crossed.  Additionally, my CS counts as income towards her qualification for subsidized housing. She has a far nicer condo than my home.  

If you are cool with her,  it sounds like she won't extort you in the future.  I gave my ex $3k to leave the house (or she wasn't going to). Money well spent and it helped her set up her new apartment. And a $1k down payment on her new car. 

[JNChell]

My CS was $2-300 below the state guidelines. More than reasonable when considering. I’m happy that the money is with S4 and I now. His mom lives off of the state and somehow views this as being independent . Ok. Not my situation anymore. She can do what she wants. My level of agreement doesn’t matter.

My fingers are crossed too. ForeverDad made good points. Especially about her pattern with her exH. Even the relationship she had with him eerily lines up with the relationship that she and I had. The pattern is there. I wonder if she will eventually split her current partner and eventually begin to paint me white in the future. Who knows. Like you said, it’s.best to not be a  and take the high road. That’s still hard to do.

[Turkish]

A poster on another board offered that time doesn't heal core trauma. It does lesson  the impact of wounds though. Life is a long game,  and better played realizing this.  Better to focus on the long goal. 

[JNChell]

Understood and I agree.