How to have a talk with my adult child

[veganstrider]

Yesterday my wife and I sat down with our 22 year old daughter that we moved back home after she and her boyfriend split up. After living with her for almost 3 months we wanted to regroup and provide some expectations concerning college and our house. I am reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and thought there was some possibility of a conversation if worded in a non-threatening way. Of course it did not turn out well. Of course I knew this deep down. But how do we set boundaries? Is this possible? We want her to not stay out all night when she is going to college, clean up her room, take care of her cat. Right now we are paying for everything except school. But it is draining us financially. She does have a part-time waitress job, but spends the money on what she sees as important, but not parking tickets or other items that may go into collections. HELP! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi veganstrider, welcome!

That is a very tricky point - when adult child moves back home, how to be supportive and have boundaries.  I just had that happen and we are still seeing how it works out, so I don't have answers but i have thought about this same thing just now!

For me, once they are adult, I'm ok with treating them as an adult - its not my business if she is out all night, or how she keeps her room, but I do ask her to do chores for the house and I will be expecting her to work or go to school (she is actively looking for work, and just finished a seasonal job, school hasn't started yet;  so I have not raised this as an issue).  Does your dd help with cooking/groceries/around the house?  Would she if you ask her to? 

If you are paying for everything else, is that things for her, or do you mean the house expenses?   If there are things you get for her, if you feel the need to pay the parking ticket can you reduce the other things you are providing?  Or would she be willing to work it off in extra housework? 

It sounds like she is being pretty productive in that she is working and going to college, so kudos to you!   

I know that having these emotions is draining both for parents and for dd's, I think that has a lot to do with being less productive.  Hopefully she will be able to hear your needs for your finances and your space and to find a way to respect those. 

Good luck navigating these waters!  Having a realistic environment is probably healthy for your daughter, even if it includes some conflict.