Hi isabella11
First time here and I hope I will get some advice
I'm going to try to reflect back your situation and maybe throw in some perspective of what might be going on from his side, please don't take it as blaming or negative, I know it can sound that way, hopefully this goes well :
I am pregnant and this makes things more difficult for me.
I've never had kids myself though I understand much of what happens in that time needs special precautions. Do you have someone other than your husband to lean on in a difficult moment?
We had a disagreement last Saturday over going out with some guys that he calls them incorrectly friends. Are more like drinking buddies and just it. I didn't want to go to meet them because is not fun
Has this been an issue before? as in, you've gone out with him/them without incident or was this the first invite?
I ask because he might have considered the going out as a way to relax, not just for him but for you as well. Remember people with BPD have trouble separating their needs from the needs of others, so in his mind if it works for him them
SURELY it works for you as well.
Telling him you don't see it that way throws a wrench in this twisted logic, specially if you've gone out no problem in the past, so the backlash begins. He might have assumed you were ok with it and possibly enjoyed it from past experience.
As far as dealing with it, the general idea is to wait it out and tackle it when he's calm.
When I asked him if was because I disagreed to go with him and his friends, he hardly admitted and started to blame me for ruining his mood and for being stuck in the house all the time because of me ( is not true)
Having to admit wrongdoing is not fun for anyone, it makes us feel bad about ourselves. One way he knows how to deal with the bad feelings is to deflect them onto someone else to protect himself.
It's all about him you see, others are always to blame.
So, I said to him to go to meet them but without me
This could be taken by him to the extreme of "go away, I don't want to be with you anymore".
Phrasing and framing helps in these situations. Something simple like "You can take me to 'this different place'".
I said to compromise. We will go for dinner and after he will go alone to meet his "friends"
This still has that hint of "go be alone somewhere". Compromise is not always about agreeing to half-deals: sometimes I take the whole cake, sometimes we get that pizza you wanted, makes sense?
Also if you can't stand his "drinking buddies" consider an alternative to put them on the spot: suggest going to the juice bar and then take them to browse baby clothes and have to take care of "pregnant stuff" for you (evil I know ), they'll think twice about saying yes and you can be off the hook, or maybe you'll get to know them and they're obnoxious but good-hearted people deep down, who knows. You're pregnant, use it to your advantage
I reminded him also that if we disagree about something, this doesn't mean that we stopped caring about each other
He can see things only black or white. I told him between this are other colours
When you've been painted black whatever you said
will be used against you. He's probably thinking you actually don't care and are brainwashing him, that he can't trust his reality and has to accept your own no questions asked.
Now, after a violent fight before my doctor appointment
Baby should be number one priority.
I won't comment on DV because that's beyond my capacity to advice, hopefully someone else can chime in.
What can/ should I do? He don't want to take antidepressants or see a therapist and I feel I do not know how to handle him anymore. Any thoughts/ advice? Thank you.
I will say though regarding the silence, act as if nothing happened. It's a weird world living with BPD and a pregnant wife, so lets make it easier on everyone and just push through it right?
There's a phrase that floats around here: "To make things better, we have to stop making things worse". I first thought it puts the blame and burden on us non-BPD's, but if we want to make it happen, we have to make it ourselves.
Not wanting to go out with your husband's drinking buddies is not the end of the world, so dropping the issue entirely might be the best way to move forward. Again, act as if nothing happened and "conveniently forget" about it when brought up, like "oh yeah, I wonder if they'll have that new baby food at the store" and go about your merry day.
He might push the issue, but that also gets exhausting for him if you don't bite, why bother he'll think.
The issues will need to be worked out eventually, so learn all you can, take it a step at a time.
Sorry this issue brought you here but you're in good company, welcome to the boards!
Hope that helped, feel free to keep posting and asking more questions
