I want to scream.

[Tturnipp]

Myself & my BPD partner have been more or less arguing for the last 5 days. My dad went into hospital last Wednesday & is very disabled. I’ve had to look after him, do personal care for the first time with him, look after my kids, run my business, deal with a family funeral coming up in Wednesday & deal with constant arguments. I’m going to ___ing snap.

I feel that my partner does not deal well when I have issues & need support but the issues I’m faced with right now I will not stand down & take all the blame just so he can be happy. I deserve support too.

We reconciled for a day & this morning after something little he is now telling me that I never apologise for anything that I do & always blame him & his borderline. It’s not true, I accept I’m flawed & I accept that I ___ up & I feel that I am perfectly able to talk about this an apologise when I need to.

This morning we had a little disagreement, I felt like I wasn’t heard, he justified his actions & after having given him a kiss & a cuddle before the disagreement I left to take my daughter to school. He said that how I walked out really hurt him. I apologised repeatedly for how I walked out, I wasn’t allowed to express why I had done what I did & then I got hit with ‘this is exactly what I can’t deal with in this relatiobship’ I carried on apologising & telling him that I appreciate that I hurt him but he wasn’t happy. He wanted me to take responsibility and own that I had been ‘___ty’ with him. I kept apologising & letting him know that the way I had walked out hurt him.

I’m becoming so recently of this behaviour now. I felt like I would have to humiliate myself & bed for forgiveness in order for him to be happy. He chooses to ignore all of the stress & trauma I am going through right now & paints a complete picture of who I am from one action. It’s driving me utterly insane. I need to think about me & I need support & the more I think about myself the more he gets pissed off at me.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense I just need a little feedback & kind words because my life feels pretty hard and miserable right now. I feel like I’m taking too much responsibility & im not getting any rest.

I want to be able to show how bad I feel without him taking it personally & it seems impossible. It’s about him all of the time.

I just want to scream.

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[itsmeSnap]

Hey tturnipp

I deserve support too.

Definitely, specially in  times like this, the health issues of your dad, experiencing a family loss and all the other stuff you got going on in your life is hard enough without relationship issues from BPD.

Though you found us during hard times, really glad you're here. We have a lot of members also going through difficult situations and working through them so you'll find a really supportive community here, welcome to the boards.

It’s driving me utterly insane. I need to think about me & I need support & the more I think about myself the more he gets pissed off at me.

The stress can be a big trigger for people with BPD: emotions are naturally high, feelings of loss and perceived emotional unavailabilty towards them from grieving can be interpreted (not that they are, but it feels like it to them) like you would leave them, "are being sh tty" towards them, and all sorts of non seemingly inexplicable behaviors.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense I just need a little feedback & kind words because my life feels pretty hard and miserable right now.

It's ok, reaching out and writing is a great way to start feeling heard, some members have mentioned just getting things off their chest is enough to make them feel a bit better, so let it out, tell us your story.

Has this been going on for a while before this or is this different, "not the usual"?

[Tturnipp]

Thank you so much for getting back to me,  you have no idea how much I appreciate your words. You saying that I do need support brought me to tears.

I’ve just had him here for the past two hours arguing with me telling me that I don’t validate him & he said it to the point that I started to believe him. Luckily or not we had the start of this fight over the phone so I was able to go back to the beginning to show him that I had validated him. This brought out an other side, he was no longer cool & collected & turned into ‘you hate me, I’m always wrong, why would you want to be with me’ he still totally believes that I don’t validate him though. He’s been bringing up my mental health & stating that because I have anxiety & symptoms of PTSD this means I find it hard to validate when I feel it’s the complete opposite. I feel that through my hardships I have become a lot more empathetic & to be honest, if I wasn’t so empathetic we wouldn’t be together.

He has been going to DBT & it’s been amazing, he commits to almost 3 hours of therapy a week so it’s not like he doesn’t accept he has borderline but it feels like in his day to day life he doesn’t see it.

He really feels like I don’t think he is important. I think he’s incredible, he works two jobs, he’s taken on my daughter & allowed me to be step mum to his son, he is a domestic king & he makes me laugh like no one else. I couldn’t imagine him not being in my life but he’s got it into his head that our relationship has been awful for months & that it is mainly down to me. I just don’t get it. We usually have the normal spats, I say horrendous things to him & I appolgise but he is the type of person that just says thank you for saying sorry but doesn’t look at himself for his own actions. He has done some pretty horrendous things in his past & his childhood was hard & although the DBT is really beneficial I’m scared that they are just ignoring his reality because he comes across so well. I don’t even know if the last part I believe, I’m just so confused by it all & because I’m under so much pressure I’ve been reacting badly.

I also feel that since I’ve started up my own business a year ago & have battled a lot of my own stuff in becoming more & more independent & confident & less tolerant which is causing chaos.

I have a pounding headache now & I have to go off to the hospital whilst he is spitting mean things through whatsapp at me, come home later & be all fine & dandy in front of the kids. Probably talk a whole lot more & then sleep on the couch to prepare for tomorrow’s hell.

This all seems too much.

[Tturnipp]

He’s basically just trying to figure out if he wants to be with me anymore. We’ve been together for 4 years & I have to say it has never felt this bad - I think it might be because I won’t reallt fight if he ends it with me. I’m just so tired.

[Tturnipp]

I’ve been up to visit my dad & had my own hospital appointment, went home to a lovely welcome from the kids & him just ignoring me. Remembered I had to take something around to my mums for the funeral on weds so I’ve left again. He wanted to know exactly what was going on but I gave him the basics. He ran after me as I was leaving, laughed & slammed the door on me. I really can’t bare the idea of sleeping on the couch again tonight knowing he’s upstairs really disliking me.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey tturnipp

He has done some pretty horrendous things in his past & his childhood was hard & although the DBT is really beneficial I’m scared that they are just ignoring his reality because he comes across so well.

My dad also convinced a therapist my mom was to blame for the trouble at home. Not to say she was a saint, but he had a much bigger role than he communicated.

Is "horrendous" like lashing out towards you or the kids in any way? violence?

Is he in therapy currently? I heard they give them a number to have phone consultations between sessions, are you able to contact the therapist about this situation?

I’ve been up to visit my dad & had my own hospital appointment, went home to a lovely welcome from the kids & him just ignoring me.

The kids are smart, they know something is going on and they're trying to be there for you.

I'm no parent but I do have vivid memories of being a kid in a difficult environment, my cousin also mentioned that when she had husband problems she noticed her daughter change a little, she knew, she wanted to support her.

So be there for them, not as "hiding it" or "be all fine & dandy in front of the kids", just be a mom for them, I'm sure you love them and they love you back. Also, use the "kids time" to also have a bit of a rest for yourself, get family involved. with the funeral I'm sure there's more people around than usual, or at least opportunities to gather and have other adults take on some of the responsibility.

I really can’t bare the idea of sleeping on the couch again tonight knowing he’s upstairs really disliking me.

Can family help you with that? sleep over at their place for a night, even if just as a "kids sleepover" that you overstayed?

Just thinking out loud, what do you think?