A difficult day with emotions

[Weejie]

A fairly difficult day with emotions. Had looked on another site where the consensus is always "get out of the relationship" and is not very sympathetic to pwBPD. I like that this site gives hope. I just hope that I am given a chance to give things another try. If I can use the approach I'm learning about here and keep a strong head, it may work.
I just wish it was less painful while I am waiting.
I sent a friendly text saying that I had made good progress working on my car and that I was sorry that we hadn't had a chance to chat over the fence. She replied that she was sorry we hadn't done the same. However, I got the impression that she was avoiding setting eyes on me. Maybe I am imagining that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

I hear your pain, I hear your compassion and most of all, I think you are hearing her pain.

A slow road? Maybe.

It’s sounds like you are ready when she is.

[Weejie]

I hear your pain, I hear your compassion and most of all, I think you are hearing her pain.

A slow road? Maybe.

It’s sounds like you are ready when she is.

Thank you Sandb2015. I think we are in the same boat in many ways. There is that feeling of "if only I knew about her BPD before it went pear shaped, and had the tools found on here". However, hindsight is like that. We just have to take things the way they are. If things do improve, it will be a learning curve. I hope you and I both get the opportunity to do things differently and steer our relationships in a better direction.

[Harri]

Hi Weejie.  I am sorry today is so difficult for you.  It happens but the good news is that you are not running from your emotions.  A lot of people do. 

Obviously I am biased   but (!) I don't think there are any other support boards out there like this one that allows you to choose and we support your choice.

Keep posting, asking questions, learning the tools.  It will help in any relationship.  That is something I did not quite believe when I got here and had a hard time realizing the tools could help even though my relationships were long over.   

I just wish it was less painful while I am waiting.

Yeah.  Me too.

[Weejie]

Thank you Harri. Yes this site does have a positive attitude, but also a realistic one.
It is the most helpful thing in all this.

[Weejie]

A strange kind of a day. She phoned me in the morning. Very p[easant conversation. She later texted me to say that her youngest daughter had done well with university exams. I showed that I was pleased. We talked over the fence while I was working on my car and then she phoned later on. One topic of conversation was my two cats, who were going crazy over a 'scratching frame' that my BPDso had given me because her cat showed no interest. I was commenting that one cat had come over to me and was lying on its back, letting me tickle her tummy, saying it was a sign of real trust.She said that I should impress my "lady friends" by getting them to lie on their backs and tickle their tummies. I said I wouldn't be looking for lady friends.  She then asked me to "shut up about your cats". I said sorry, and she said "you're very good with cats and horses", in what appeared to be a light hearted way. I then said "I was nice to you too" - still in what was to me a light hearted vein. She then turned. "Nice to me? I'm now going to hang up the phone. Enjoy the rest of your evening". She did. I've no idea what offended her, because I think I was nice to her. I did text back, saying I was sorry if I said something wrong (perhaps that was JADE). No response. No idea how to proceed from here. It is not going to be easy to apply the tools, I think, as it is so easy to misread comments and put my foot in it.

[Harri]

Hi.

She might have felt invalidated when you said you were nice to her too.  I am sure you were but she might feel very differently and for a lot of people feelings = facts.   If she feels she was not treated nicely, that is her reality.  Saying otherwise is seen as a denial.

I think at this point it would be good to step back and not text her anymore, just wait and allow her to self soothe.  Don't 'chase' don't try to explain or defend (JADE).

[Weejie]

Yes, it does seem that she felt I was not nice to her, but it's so difficult to read that when she doesn't actually express what she feels. Saying that I was nice with "cats and horses" doesn't necessarily imply that I'm not nice with humans - especially her. So what seems to be an innocuous comment can be hurtful to her. Thanks for the advice. I'll try and be less spontaneous in conversation and give thought to every response.
I will have to remember that it is better to take my boots off before I walk among the eggshells.

[Weejie]

She texted back. Apologised for being rude. Said she was needing passion and joy. Applied tools and she is responding well. Text is easier because you have time to think before replying.

[once removed]

She said that I should impress my "lady friends" by getting them to lie on their backs and tickle their tummies.
... .
She then asked me to "shut up about your cats".
... .
I said sorry, and she said "you're very good with cats and horses",

this is all just bait, really. parry it with maturity even if that means gracefully exiting the conversation.

if the two of you arent together, no reason to take bait about "lady friends" (either confirm or deny) or defend your role in the relationship.

[Weejie]

Well, today she texted to say that she was making curry and she would leave some on my doorstep.
She came while I was working on my car and was pleasant (another neighbour was present). She left the food and said she was going home to sleep. I concluded the day's work on the car and left to feed my horses. I was going to text to thank her for the food, but discovered that I'd left my phone at home. When I got home I found that she had tried to phone me several times and texted: "Is there something wrong? Did I say something wrong?" I thought that if I ignored this, things might escalate, so an explanation might be needed, even though it would come under JADE. I texted an apology, explaining that I had been crawling under the car, so didn't have the phone in my pocket, and then went to feed the horses without it.
She texted back. Said that was ok. We had a very pleasant exchange of texts and I wished her goodnight.
The curry was delicious.

[once removed]

dont JADE does not mean "never explain yourself". it means dont over explain yourself; state your explanation once, twice max. it means dont validate the invalid by defending yourself and explaining against ludicrous notions. it certainly doesnt mean never apologize.

let her know how delicious the curry was!

[Weejie]

I let her know how nice the curry was. Things much lighter at the moment. Hopefully this will continue for a good while. Thanks for clearing up that about JADE.

[Weejie]

I don't even know where to begin. Last night it snowed. We live in private farmland in old tied cottages. When it snows here, it can be difficult to get out. I have horses to feed, so I get out no matter what. My BPDso asked if I would get some things for her while I was out. The problem was, that included wine. I figured that if I turned her down she would get it from the online grocery store and have it delivered. She has had wine in the house over the past few days and must have been drinking moderately, because there had been no outbursts.
So, much as I didn't think this was good, I agreed to get the things for her. I even hugged her before I left.
I got a text from her asking that I left her stuff on her doorstep because she was going to sleep. I told her that I was on my way back and would rather hand it to her or leave it in the car, as it was very snowy. She said she would be up when I got back. So I handed the stuff to her and gave her another hug. She had noticed a change in me, because now I know that she has BPD (not diagnosed, but my doctor says there is little doubt) I am mostly avoiding rising to her bait and am trying to show understanding. She asked if I had been talking to my brother, or an ex-partner of mine who is a psychologist (not that she would have much insight as she was an educational psychologist specialising in pre-five children). I said that I had been thinking things over myself and realised that I had been wrong in my reactions and behaviour, and that I would help her in whatever capacity she felt she needed. She did appear to be slightly drunk.
I went home to get ready to work on my car. A while later she phoned and asked if I wanted some "spirituality books" that she was disposing of because she only wanted one shelf of books. If I didn't want them, she would give them to another neighbour (an ex of hers) who was interested in the subject matter. I said that I had little time to read, but thanked her anyway. Then she texted and asked if I would come over and look at the wooden 'fairy houses' that she had made. When I came over she was extremely drunk. Jovial most of the time, but also very intimate. She came on to me, but was also telling me to go out and work on the car. This went on for some time. She also said that she needed to go and eat the food she had cooked but she didn't know whether to call it breakfast, lunch or dinner. She asked what time it was.
Eventually I left to work on the car, but was only the other side of a fence.
I then got an abusive phone call and several abusive texts. The texts continued for hours.
Our neighbour said he had been offered the books, but figured she'd want them back. He suggested that she cut down on the drinking. She told him that she was going to stop both drinking and smoking very soon. This coupled in with her disposal of books that she treasured set alarm bells ringing for him.
That was a few hours ago now. I just got a text of apology from her, saying she needed to stop that kind of behaviour. I told her not to worry and that she could talk to me about it. She said she would talk in the morning.
I know that buying wine for her wasn't smart, but she would have got it somehow anyway. She also smells like a drunken smoker.

[Weejie]

So, she talked in the morning. She had hurt her back so I massaged it. She is in a better place right now. She is going to stay with one of her daughters at the weekend. I have been in touch with the daughter and she knows what has been going on. Hopefully the break will be good for her.

[once removed]

whatd she say in the abusive texts? its not clear to me what spurred that.

[Weejie]

whatd she say in the abusive texts? its not clear to me what spurred that.

It was mostly to do with an ex of mine (psychologist) who had texted me on my birthday. We wish each other a happy birthday and have done since we parted 21 years ago. My BPDso was present when I got that text (August) and somehow changed it to a phone call in which I spent more time talking to my ex than I did talking to her. It was crazy stuff. Telling me I should go and live with her. Childish stuff. Not sure what spurred it, but she might have thought I had consulted my ex to get info on her problems. She has noticed that I am much calmer and composed. Latest is she 'broke off' with me again, but wants me to spend the night with her. Watch this space.

[once removed]

be careful, and be mindful.

there really arent clear boundaries here between "just friends", between being together, trying to get back together. its a fine line. dont wing it.

[Weejie]

Thanks.
Went well. I just held her in my arms all night and didn't talk about relationship. She is talking like it still is on. Referring to bed as "our bed", for example. I'm just going to go with the flow. I'm there when she wants me to be there and I'm stronger when she splits.

[Weejie]

So I took her to stay with her daughter, and before she got out of the car she said she hoped we could be together. SAhe sent a lovely text in the morning, suggesting I make one of my speciality dishes then we snuggle up and get up early to watch the eclipse. I said that would be nice. I picked her up in the morning and she was fine. I had a coffee with her and left to work on my car. I was looking for some parts in my garage and she phoned. "Why aren't you working on your car?". I told her I was looking for some parts which were vital in its repair. She started ranting. I just ended the call. I later asked if she still wanted me to cook the dinner (when I saw her over the fence). She said yes. Not long after, she said no. Then a series of nasty texts about me using her, me being mentally ill. I said I cared for her but she crossed the line when she was dictating when I should be fixing my car. I pointed out that it was sub-zero temperatures outside and I could only work for so long. I said if she wanted I could cook the dinner and come and keep her warm and I would not mention the outbursts. She just carried on. Later, she was outside looking at the moon. I went to talk with her, but she was just abusive. I think that is it. I've had enough.

[once removed]

how are things today?

[Weejie]

how are things today?

There was a turnaround the same night. She later asked if I knew what was wrong with her. I described much of the symptoms of BPD without mentioning BPD and this made her attitude change considerably. So we have had a good few days with her wanting to be in a relationship with me. There was one blip today, but that is resolved. I'm not holding out too much hope in the long term, but right now it's probably the closest we've been since the early stage.

[once removed]

but right now it's probably the closest we've been since the early stage.

if you want to improve the relationship, long term, now is the time to really get a feel for the tools, in a big picture way.

otherwise, youre running in circles just chasing the early stages, and trying to put out fires when they happen.