New Member: My 20 year old has BPD ... did I cause it?

[Temily]

I’m exhausted. My 20 year old has BPD. Her behavior is escalating. I don’t know what to do. I need help. I’m sad. The literature I’ve read says I’ve caused it. How could I have caused such a terrible thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Temily 

Welcome!

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling exhausted, I know that trying to just get through the day when dealing with someone with BPD can be so hard at times   

I am glad that you have found this site, you will find lots of information and resources here as well as support from the other parents who post here. Please take a look to the right where you will see TOOLS listed and also various LESSONS   

Temily, many parents come here with the belief that they are to blame for their child’s illness, that somehow they have done something to cause it. I was one of those parents, just like you. The truth is that you have not caused it, it is something that your child has a predisposition towards and most likely is genetic. I am sorry that this is making you feel sad right now. As you read more and find out more about the disorder you will quickly realise that you are not the cause of it.  x 

[bluek9]

  WELCOME TEMILY

    I want to join Feeling Better in welcoming you to this place. I hope you can find comfort here in knowing that ALL OF US understand. We understand the feelings, the chaos, the escalation in behavior and all of the emotions that go along with this mental illness. Like FB, I tell you the same, you did not cause this! Of all the parents who interact here I'm pretty positive none of us would wish this on our children, or wish the fall out on ourselves.
    Can you share more? Tell us about yourself, and what you are doing to cope. When I first came here I too didn't know what to do or where to turn for help. My D just turned 36, so we have been at this a long time. That said, there is always hope Temily   I send you support and hugs     hope to hear more form you soon

[wendydarling]

Welcome to the family Temily

Hey, as Feeling Better says you've not caused it, I read literature when my DD was diagnosed at 26 and was triggered like you    studies suggest there is a genetic predisposition for BPD, our children are sensitive people. Every parent that's using the resources here, on this forum loves their children like you and are looking for help and support in very difficult similar situations. You are not alone   Stay with us and learn with us, talk with us. I've found my answers here and support I needed from parents who truly understand while supported by others in my life.

You are racked out right now and things are escalating, as Bluek9 asks can you share some more what's happening? Do you have family, friends you can talk to?

Here is our article, you did not cause this, I missed I had a sensitive child, she was doing well, till she reached crisis. I think many parents here will be nodding their heads. She's since in remission, there is hope. Along with other parents I look forward to supporting you forwards out of this crisis.
Am I the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder

You are a wonderful mother.

We're walking with you.

Hope and small steps, look forward to hearing more from you.

WDx  

[Temily]

Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to respond to me. I’m new to forums so please excuse me if I get anything wrong.

I have done some reading, and still believe I am part of the cause of this. If my daughter was now very successful in life, I would take part of the credit for raising her. It shouldn’t be any different to take some of the blame for raising a person who is not successful in life.

My daughter has always been a delight, from the moment she was born. Very easy to care for and raise. Various events happened that she found traumatic, in a short space of time, at a specific time in her life. When all this happened is when her life took a huge turn for the worse. Two of those events were the death of my parents, who she loved dearly. They were also my main support. Being a single person, I’ve worked hard and long to raise them, and have not had any friends to rely on. I have an older brother and sister, both of which I have no contact with.

On the plus side, I have come across a new service and have linked in with a counselor there. I’ve only had two sessions so far, but I’m feeling optimistic that she can teach me strategies to turn things around at home. I see it as my last hope. Fingers crossed that what she teaches me will work. If it doesn’t, maybe my last option will be to leave my home and her. But, hopefully it won’t get to that. I’ve tried counseling in the past, books, websites, my own ideas. Nothing has worked and things are now pretty bad. So, let’s hope it gets a thousand times better.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I hope you get notified that I’ve made this post. I really need to be heard. I feel terribly alone. Love to you all xxx

[Panda39]

Hi Temily,

I want to join the others and Welcome you to the bpdfamily    We are all here because we have someone in our lives with BPD/BPD Traits, you are not alone in this.

Can you tell us a little bit more about your daughter?  Are there things that you struggle with in particular?  We have a lot of tools and information we can share but it helps to know a little more about what you are seeing in your interactions with your daughter, so we know what might be most helpful.

I hope you will share more when you have the chance.

Take Care 
Panda39

[StepMonster]

No! It's not your fault.

I know that the science says these things are almost always a combination of genetic predisposition and experience/environment, but the truth is that no one really knows exactly what it takes to turn on the BPD gene. Sometimes a really normal event, like a change in childcare providers, turns out to be traumatic to a child in ways no one could predict.

I have a cousin who's daughter died of SIDS. Afterwards, she picked apart every risk factor because she was sure it was her fault. Was she a perfect parent? No. Is it her fault her daughter died? NO! The truth is that the cause might have been one of a hundred things doctors warn about or one of a million things they don't. Or it could just be the luck of the draw. No one can know. And because of that, no one but scientists hoping to prevent further cases should be worried about what causes it. Lots of perfectly good parents have children with BPD. Lots of terrible parents have kids with no mental or behavioral issues. Our focus needs to be on helping our kids and ourselves live with what is.

[wendydarling]

Hello Temily

It's lovely to hear back from you and how you're doing, we're here for you, dealing with mental illness can be isolating, you've family here for you, always you are not alone    The more we post and join other parents threads the more we gain and make friends. This is my first forum and I was nervous, not knowing what to expect. It's been the most important decision and experience for me, goodness knows where I'd be now, BDFamily is empowering, I encourage you to stay with us, find your way with us, like I and parents here have. I celebrate my 3rd anniversary here on 27 Dec. Like you I'm a single parent, one daughter, do you have the one daughter? I'm hear to learn with other parents, it took me a while to get my head round my situation, you are in good company  

I'm delighted to hear you've found a counsellor and you are hopeful, support is so important and sometimes it takes time to find the right person, GOLD as many learn here. .

I sorry to hear your daughter was traumatised by various events in a short space of time, some parents here will relate, I do. My DD was Dx in 2015 shortly after her Poppa passed she reached crisis. However she now shares (post DBT) she was sensitive to everything especially school, college, uni - I'm still trying to understand how she presents this to me, she was scared of failing, though she never did and she had, still has good friendships. Only recently she shared she has always seen colours in numbers, I asked how come she's never mentioned it, she thought everyone did! Perhaps everyone sees numbers is colours and I'm one of say 10% who do not, it's an example of how unaware we both are, how we see and experience life.

As Panda39 says when you feel comfortable, share with us what's happening with your DD, what you are dealing with, members can help support you. This is a safe place to be and talk  

WDx  
PS, if you need any support how to get around the site shout out, been there done it   x

[Temily]

Hello to anyone who’s listening, and I sincerely hope someone is. As I’ve said before, I’m new here. If I need to start a new topic, please let me know.
I thought until this last week that things were getting a little better. Now I see no progress has been made. I shall try and keep it short.
My daughter tried to kill herself a few years ago. At the time, she was in contact with a girl who lives on the other side of the country. Since that time, I’ve not been aware if they are still friends as my daughter tells me very little about her life. I have found out this week that she has been sending this girl a lot of money. Over $1000 in a three month period. She also has subscriptions to various things such as foxtel. She doesn’t have a job. She receives a small government payment. Over the last three months I have “misplaced” a little over $600. With it being Christmas, I thought I’d spent more than I realized, or maybe my purse had been robbed at work. I’ve done the calculations. I’m assuming she has stolen it from me. What do I do? At this stage, she doesn’t know I know any of this. The counselor, who I haven’t seen yet about this, has told me that people with BPD have a fear of abandonment. So I can’t ask her to leave. Beside that, she has nowhere to go. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say or how to handle this. I really am at the end of my rope. I’m so tired and wish this would all stop. I’d like to hear some opinions please. Thank you.

[DharmaGate]

Welcome Back! 

Many, many members are reading and listening 

I am new to this too, so I have limited experience, but i know i have read recently of other members here dealing with theft from their children, so heartbreaking.

Never hurts to start a new thread with a title specific to what we want thoughts on.

wishing us all peace