Pastor said we must get personality test and stop no contact for mediation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

SO, we got an email from our pastor that we need to go to a counseling center to get a personality test that we have to pay for, and then meet with my BPD MIL who we have had no contact with since July for a mediation because we are not being Christ like and not looking out for her best interests. Why does this person think they have the right to tell me what to do? Also, they said they respect my wife, my MIL and FIL but not me. Obviously he has been bamboozled by my Borderline MIL. So Stressed. We have told him we cannot subject ourselves to her abuse anymore, but he doesn't seem to listen to anything we have to say. Just makes demands from us, but doesn't listen to our side of the story.

[Benaiah]

SO, we got an email from our pastor that we need to go to a counseling center to get a personality test that we have to pay for, and then meet with my BPD MIL who we have had no contact with since July for a mediation because we are not being Christ like and not looking out for her best interests. Why does this person think they have the right to tell me what to do? Also, they said they respect my wife, my MIL and FIL but not me. Obviously he has been bamboozled by my Borderline MIL. So Stressed. We have told him we cannot subject ourselves to her abuse anymore, but he doesn't seem to listen to anything we have to say. Just makes demands from us, but doesn't listen to our side of the story.

[Harri]

Why does this person think they have the right to tell me what to do?

I don't know other than to say that the concept of family is important in many faiths and who knows what your MIL has said.

What was your response?  How about your wife? 

Are you familiar with triangulation?  It sounds like that is what is happening here:  your MIL went to the pastor and got him to intervene on her behalf.  I can't really comment on any religious aspect there may be to this so maybe someone else can.  Triangulation can sometimes be a good thing and balance things out between people.  sometimes though, there is a drama triangle that increases conflict and the only thin you can do is not participate in it.  You can read more about that here:  Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle  See what you think and if this makes sense.

Do I have this right that he is *your* pastor?  He knows you?

[Pilpel]

Wow, that is so not his business.  I'm assuming your church is not too big, because I can't imagine a pastor of a large busy church having the time to get involved in such a way.  If he has so much time, maybe this pastor should spend more time with your mother in law.  He could counsel her.  Invite her over for Christmas dinner, etc. 

How do you plan to respond to this?  Are you very attached to the people in your church?  I'm not attached to any church myself, so I know it's easy for me to imagine just walking out the door and finding a new church.  But I know for a lot of people churches are a very important part of their social lives.  So problems like this with the pastor can be more difficult to deal with.  However, that shows a real lack of wisdom and judgment on your pastor's part.


 

[Forrestanimal]

So sorry to hear this as a fellow human being and a Christian I know we need to be there for each other but when a relationship becomes so toxic it is ruining you live and that of your family that is not what God asks of you. She also is responsible for this relationship for 50% you the other 50% and she is 100% responsible in how she treats you en reacts. It’s difficult for her having BPD but still she is also responsible and when you are suffering and can’t stand it no longer you have the right to take care of yourself and your family and let someone else handle her. You don’t need to go one to a point you can’t cope any longer.
I hope my explanation makes sense i’m Dutch so it’s a bit more difficult to explain what I mean but you story sounded so familiar in a different way. My mom struggled  with this being a Christian and being married to an alcoholic she stayd but came to a point she couldn’t take it no more and needed to be hospitalised ( our pastor did react in a good way but her own believe she needed to stay and take care of him because of her faith made her stay) luckily she after this decided she needed to stand up for herself because she needed to for her own sake and mine and she filed for divorce and we went no contact to save ourselves finally after al those years. My MIL has uBPD so we are also struggling with boundaries and lesser contact right now.

She needs help and the only one who can get her that is she and when she doesn’t want to going no contact is fine or staying in contact but with healthy and firm boundaries and only if you want to. I wish you and your family al lot of wisdom and supporting people around you it’s difficult enough and people on the outside don’t know what it’s like.

[cClearly]

Big sigh...   I'm not sure what religion or denomination you belong to, but I count myself a Christian and I believe your pastor is a great example of scriptural and spiritual abuse.  I've studied and I have studied on this topic and I know 100% that God does not permit any abuse of me or my loved ones, nor does he expect me to submit to an abuser of any kind.  Abuse is a great sin.  We are told to flee from evil.  Another point I would make is this, once we become Christians, we are on an even field with our blood family, because in Christ's eyes, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, first and that is evident in Matthew 12:48 when he recognizes his own mother and brother as his siblings under the Lord, first.  That means you are allowed to call them out on their abuse and it means that you are allowed to "shake the dust off your sandals" as you leave if they will not treat you with respect.  Rebuking your sisters and brothers in Christ is law.  Repentance is required for forgiveness.  Christ did not expect us to sweep things under the rug.  He says if someone won't repent, or change their ways, then to treat them as a Gentile and a tax collector - in other words, shun them. 

[Turkish]

It sounds like you go to the same church as she does, yes?  How did the pastor get involved?  I'm glad that the APS case was closed,  but what were her allegations bearing false witness against you?

Calling the authorities with lies is a serious business and could ruin your life, potentially.

My mother made allegations of elder abuse against me,  financial abuse (stealing her money) was the one that got on the radar of APS. Thankfully,  it was investigated and easily dismissed as being "ridiculous" as the APS social worker said to me.  Her other accusations of keeping her prisoner and stealing her truck (not to mention her grandchildren,  then 4 and 6) stealing from her were serious enough that I let her leave our home. I was angry.  Very angry.  Such allegations can ruin lives. 

What's up with your pastor? Does he know she called APS on you?  This may be your cross,  but you don't need to be crucified.  Christ did that himself for us. 

[Gem4747]

Sounds like a difficult situation. The essence of mediation is that both parties agree to be there. No trained mediator will/should do mediation when one party (you) does not agree to be there, for any reason. It is up to YOU.
My advice is to set respectful but clear boundaries with your pastor about what you are willing to do or not (and perhaps give them some BPD resource materials!), without over-explaining. Trying too hard to explain BPD family dynamics often makes me feel (and probably appear) overreactive and angry .

*If nothing else you could tell your pastor you got a message from God and he told you to take space from your MIL (I’m half joking about this but only half.) Good luck!

[boatingwoman]

Can you block him and walk away? Change churches, whatever?

The whole thing sounds toxic and I personally would just say no thanks, bye.

It’s so hard in the beginning though to set boundaries.