Advice needed quickly regarding authorization of therapists

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

In the last 48 hours things have really blown up with stbexBPDw in the proceedings toward separation/divorce.

StbexBPDw was lying about not having received my L’s letter to begin discussions about possibly finding an arrangement without this going in front of judge. Then yesterday I found a letter, probably a draft of an email, that my stbexBPDw wrote in regard to finalizing the rent of an apartment that is not close to our town, house, everything involving our children. A) she thinks she will be moving our kids with her, or B) she is getting out of town. Either is not good for kids. Last night, I found out that I couldn’t access our bank accounts online a digital device that produces a code from you debit card was mysteriously missing. In 8 years this is the first time. StbexBPDw has no clue supposedly. This morning I went to the bank to get a new device and open a private separate account. Then when I tried to access the bank accounts I found out that stbexBPDw has changed the login username and password. I quickly informed the L of everything and resolved the issue with the bank.

So... .my L was supposed to talk with her L today anyway to feel him out and see if there is any chance of constructive cooperation between the two.

I just received an email from my stbexBPDw with the following professionals in Cc: her personal T, a couples T with whom we worked for 6 months and is a friend of her T, the kids’ Ts, the children’s pediatrician, her L, and someone I don’t know. The email is asking for my authorization to allow these professionals to communicate about our situation.

Usually I am in huge favor of something such as this, however there are several alarms to me are:

- I was told by my L at an earlier time, trying such an across the board openness isn’t standard. Usually judges prefer to choose who they hear from or elect a third party evaluation. I believe if I remember correctly that L said this can seem like an attempt to influence.

- Children’s pediatrician is included? This seems odd to me.

-  My personal T is not included neither is the second couples T that we saw until December who was very on top of the situation. Neither was my lawyer.

- in case of an evaluation by the courts I presume the kids’ teachers should be involved who have lots of hands on info.


I forwarded the email to my L and am awaiting her reply.

Any advice here?

Thanks,
LAT

[worriedStepmom]

Lots of stuff to unpack there!

Do you have temporary orders at all yet that govern who has the ability to set where the children live?  If not, your L needs to be filing for those ASAP.  In my area, the primary parent has the right to move anywhere within the current county or contiguous counties without needing the consent of the other parent.  Where I live, this allows a range of about 4 hours of driving from one end of the southernmost contiguous county to the far end of the northernmost contiguous county.  That's a BIG difference.

If she's planning to leave the kids, that's not necessarily a bad thing.  It will be somewhat traumatic at first, but they'll adjust.  My ex moved an hour away from our children right after our divorce.  It made for a great excuse why he wouldn't come to soccer games, etc... .and the kids figured out even at very young ages that daddy wasn't reliable.

As for the therapist stuff, I don't think I would sign for that.  The pediatrician doesn't need to be involved.  Your wife's therapist does not need information from the kids' therapist.  The couples' therapist definitely does not need to have anything to do with the kids' therapist and vice versa.  I would be worried, in this situation, that she is trying to set you up as a child abuser.

I would probably allow the couples' therapist to talk to her therapist, provided her therapist also consulted the second couples' therapist.

[GaGrl]

I think you're on the right track with holding off on permissions until the judge indicates what he/she wants. It sounds like a parade already, and it's incomplete as is.

The relocation could be a problem. I hope your L can jump on that.

[zachira]

As has already been said, judges do not look favorably upon information from third parties. A family court judge would usually want only to see an evaluation from a therapist that has the specific qualifications (which can vary from state to state) to evaluate the children's welfare in a custody recommendation which would include having met and evaluated the children, and each parent.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

I guess it’s time... .when it rains it pours!

I went back to work after having gone to the bank and I was busy hosting visitors for 4 hrs. When finished I got an email from my stbexBPDw informing me she renewed her gym membership and was buying a laptop. I replied politely and briefly that we have no room for unnecessary expenditures and these expenditures put our family finances at risk. We are literally almost at zero in the bank and she knows this.

I went onto the computer, checked our banking online, and my stbexBPDw had spent $6000-7000 in the last 48hrs since my card reader went missing. I called the bank hotline and was able to cancel all but $2500 of payments. I also had them block debit and credit cards for both of us. I will be speaking to the lawyer immediately tomorrow morning.

WorriedStepmom,

My lawyer has not mentioned anything regarding whether stbexBPDw can move. However, I have been explained repeatedly that the #1 priority for courts is to not interrupt the children’s lives... .we live in a small town, all their friends, schools, our house and their rooms, etc. This would be a major rupture. As well as I have documented quite a lot of her alarming and worrisome behaviors and patterns. Put all together I would assume she’s really putting a final nail in the coffin.

I don’t know am I underestimating something here? No matter what my lawyer is on top of everything and I feel good about her.

Regarding the authorization email, I am not responding unless my lawyer says I should.

LAT

[ForeverDad]

In a high conflict divorce, which this is clearly becoming, the desperate or controlling stbEx will throw all rules out the window and unless you strategically oppose them the professionals will let it happen.

The standard advice here is that joint credit cards are difficult to address.  You can contest or suspend as the joint owner of the account, but what if she as also a joint owner undoes your efforts?

If the credit account is yours, then you can cancel other card holders.  If the credit account is hers then you can call her company and ask as cardholder that your card be cancelled.  (It won't stop her from making whatever charges to her own credit account, but you can take the stance that those are her debts, especially items not of benefit to the family, not yours nor the marriage's debts.)

Has the divorce been filed yet?  Typically state laws restrict what can be done once a divorce is filed in court.  (Whether the court takes action on misdeeds thereafter is another matter, of course.)  For example, a joint bank account is generally viewed as a marital asset.  You as spouse clearly have rights to half of the amount on deposit.  (Even if you set aside more than half then you could take the stance that you're safeguarding marital resources and start using it to pay marital bills such as mortgage, utilities, car loans, child care expenses, etc.)

Now that you have a personal account now, immediately instruct your employer to deposit future paychecks there.  (She also has the equal right to deposit her paychecks into her own personal account.)

Her plans to move elsewhere are okay, she's an adult, you can't tell her where to live.  However, your stance must be that the kids, as minors, stay.  (Generally courts are reluctant to force big changes on the kids.  One exception can be the free-for-all at the beginning of the divorce before a temp order is established.  Your urgent goal is to do everything in your power to ensure you get the best temp order possible, temp orders often morph minimally changed eventually into final orders.)  Be aware though that once you do that, stating the kids don't leave, she will likely cancel plans to move out and try to force you out instead.  Many here have had to face DV or child abuse allegations in the stbEx's attempt to sabotage parenting.

Safeguarding funds is important as a first step.  But far more important is to remain an involved parent.  StbEx almost surely will use any and every method, however extreme, to sabotage that.  Be aware.  Beware.

Disclaimer:  We here are peer support, not here as lawyers or counselors.  But collectively we've been there, done that.  Your experience thus far could get resolved for all we know.  But it can easily proceed to all out war with anything and everything thrown at you.

[worriedStepmom]

Are you in a community property state?  If so, this advice may or may not be valid.

(It won't stop her from making whatever charges to her own credit account, but you can take the stance that those are her debts, especially items not of benefit to the family, not yours nor the marriage's debts.)

Her plans to move elsewhere are okay, she's an adult, you can't tell her where to live.  However, your stance must be that the kids, as minors, stay.  (Generally courts are reluctant to force big changes on the kids.  One exception can be the free-for-all at the beginning of the divorce before a temp order is established.  Your urgent goal is to do everything in your power to ensure you get the best temp order possible, temp orders often morph minimally changed eventually into final orders.)  Be aware though that once you do that, stating the kids don't leave, she will likely cancel plans to move out and try to force you out instead. 

Temporary orders are critical.  They will state where the children can live/who can set their residence.  If you don't already have temporary orders, your L needs to be filing for them ASAP.    Ask for primary custody and kids to stay in the marital home with you.

[livednlearned]

my L was supposed to talk with her L today anyway to feel him out and see if there is any chance of constructive cooperation between the two.

From what you've described she has just maneuvered to get herself five maybe six steps ahead of you. I would look at her actions and go from there and ignore anything that comes back from her L. 

The email is asking for my authorization to allow these professionals to communicate about our situation.

Your instincts are good to sit on this. It's unlikely your stbx put this in motion unless she sees it benefiting her, especially without consulting you first.

This is a lot of cold water splashing your way.

At a minimum, it seems she is trying to move before something is filed so that she can ask forgiveness rather than permission.

Big deep breath and call your L to say you want to act as assertively as possible. It might cause an escalation in the short and save you from becoming permanently one-down in the long term.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Thanks everyone, your comments are always appreciated and right now of even greater help to me as I need support.

A lot has happened in the last 24 hrs... .

In the end, stbexBPDw made about $10000 in purchases of which I was able to block about half, slightly less. She purchased a gym membership for $1000 and a laptop for $2600 among over things for herself. Cards were blocked and I had remaining balance transferred to my private account I created yesterday, as per L’s advice. Yes, all future paychecks will be directly deposited there.

My L said the talk with stbexBPDw’s L did not go well. Apparently my stbexBPDw wants 100% custody of our 3 children and there is absolutely no discussion. My L told her L she would give them 1 day to think about it and if they still believe that there is no discussion for a flexible 50% (what I’m asking for) then she would be filing for an emergency hearing, which was today.

At the emergency hearing, temp orders will be decided. Thank you ForeverDad for so strongly expressing the need to push for the best temp order possible, this helps me.

Regarding the email requesting authorization, I responded as per my L and T’s advice, paraphrasing, “no I do not give my parental consent at this time. However, if and when the judge decides to make an evaluation in merit of the children then and only then will I give consent to those deemed competent in the matter.”

My T gave me his open opinion regarding the recent developments (he is very quiet on speaking about my stbexBPDw). He said “in my opinion everything seems to be going quite in your favor.” He is someone to understate so it  was quite nice to hear.

Regarding moving the children, unfortunately as worriedStepmom had already stated, yes technically my stbexBPDw can move the children. However, this would be completely in contradiction  to what the courts want to see and prioritize for the children so I was told by L this would be a big no no. In the meantime we are seeing what else can be done to block any possible attempt to move the children.

Thank you again everyone!

LAT

[worriedStepmom]

Your L seems to still be thinking this is going to be a collaborative divorce.

When someone tells you "I want everything", they are only rarely going to be open to negotiating.  Your L should know this, yet is giving your wife's lawyer a heads' up as to your plans.  That gives your wife and her lawyer time to file for temporary orders first. 

While this may not make a difference this time, it is worth a conversation with your lawyer as to your future strategy and how much information ought to be disclosed.

[ForeverDad]

Courts (at least in the USA) are very reluctant to order 100% custody to one parent.  Exceptions typically are (1) the other parent agrees or (2) the other parent has substantive ("actionable") behavioral concerns.  Typically courts favor ordering joint custody (major or legal matters such as medical, religious, schooling decision making).  As for a parenting schedule, equal time is becoming more common but there is still a lot of 75/25 where dads get the "non-primary parent schedule".

The point is that you don't sit back and let it happen to you.  Step forward.  Ensure the court knows you are an involved parent and expect to continue doing so.  You are not the stereotype dad who leaves his wallet behind and only sees the kids now and then while departing to start another life/family elsewhere.

However, temp orders can be very lopsided.  Mine was.  When we first separated, then-spouse got temp custody and majority parenting schedule.  I got alternate weekends (Friday pm to Monday pm) and a 3 hour evening in between.  Evidently that's standard in my county.  Problem was, there was nothing against me whereas she had a pending charge against her of Threat of DV.  I've concluded that since it was a DV charge (between adults) that it wasn't seen as impacting their default parenting policies that favored mothers.

Be prepared that your spouse may make emotionally compelling allegations (without facts or documentation) that you're an abuser or some other horrible person.  I'm not saying this will happen, but that's the only way a court would agree to Gift her 100% without your consent.  Many here have faced such allegations.  Me?  I'll never know the full count of allegations my ex made against me.  Counselors, deputies, CPS, hospital ER, court, etc.  Eventually she lost credibility with the professionals in and around the court.  It took a few years but I'm one of the relatively few dads who got full custody, not immediately but after a few years.

All your children should be school age, or the youngest soon will be.  To avoid confrontations, in-person exchanges may be minimized by using the school or daycare as points of drop off and pick up.