Grieving the daughter I'll never have

[Mirsa]

Just feeling kind of sad today.  My BPD DD17 moved out about six months ago because I wouldn't let her have her new BF in her bedroom, or allow her to go to his apt.  She said the BF was 20, but turns out he is 21.  Of course.  So, she moved in with her father, who does allow her to have a fully-intimate relationship with this young man in her bedroom.  He got custody of her in family court, and thus was able to stop making child support payments, which pretty much upended my younger daughter's and my financial situation.   (she knew this would happen, but didn't care... .the only thing that matters to her is getting what she wants... .I know you get it.)   In typical BPD fashion, she also managed to backstab me in a variety of ways, blame me for her moving out, and also blame her younger sister (who, interestingly, is doing really great in her absence). 

I LOVE her not living here!  After she moved out, my life instantly became calmer, more peaceful, and serene for the first time in over a decade!  It's so wonderful!  I decided to take a break from her for a few months after she moved out, then saw her for coffee a couple of weeks ago.  She spent our visit telling me how GREAT she is doing (despite having zero friends and a boyfriend she describes as completely anxiety-ridden).  She was completely self-absorbed, as always.  Her younger sister isn't talking to her and also enjoying the time away from her.  It's just a humongous relief for both of us, after years and years of being subjected to her drama, self-centeredness and low-level abuse. 

So, I have to confess, I do not miss her one bit.  However, sometimes, I'm sad.  Like today.  I don't necessarily want to see her or spend time with her, because realistically, I know she is an empty well.  But, I'm sad and grieving for the daughter I will never have... .for the young adult friend I won't have... .for the happiness and friendship that won't ever be easy between us. 

In the past few months, I've had to fully accept that this is who she is as a person:  narcisstic, self-involved, manipulative, dishonest, and untrustworthy.  Not a great foundation for a future relationship.  So, I'm thinking about what kind of relationship we can have... .I know it will be limited. 

And on days like today, I'm sad.  For the daughter I'll never have.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Mirsa

Very interesting post!   I think you are expressing feelings that some other Mom's feel but are reluctant to voice.

There have been many times over the years when we haven't seen our daughter.  It has been a little over a year this time... .some periods not that long... .some much longer. 

It used to be so difficult on me, her Mom.  I have cried buckets over her!

When I read your... ."I LOVE her not living here!"... .I smile because I now relate. Mind you, our daughter is  now 52 and hasn't lived with us for years, but when our relationship is "functioning" it is always tense... .wondering when the next shoe will so un-expectantly drop.  My husband and I now talk about how calm our lives are... .so void of drama.

I hope you keep working on that acceptance you write about... .accepting that "this is who she is as a person... ."    So much better to know and accept reality... .then deal with it,  than to waste precious time by covering it up with pipe-dreams.

Now, that is not to say you write her off.  There is so much information available on how to approach situations differently in regards to these "challenging" individuals.  Her present foundation may not be great (as you put it) but as you work on yours, hers might just change for the better.

Hope to hear more from you, Mirsa.

Huat

[Mirsa]

Thank you for your response Huat.  I do love my daughter and I'm sure I always will.  It's so strange that humans can hold seemingly contradictory emotions at the same time; in my case, love and relief.  I will work to maintain our relationship, even with the recognition that it may be a limited one.  After all, trust in the foundation of any real relationship, and I don't think it makes a lot of sense to trust someone who has already proven herself to be so untrustworthy.

Anyway, thank you. 

[FaithHopeLove]

I totally relate to this. My DSwBPD is nothing like what I hoped he would be. I love him but I really don't like him. I grieve over all my lost hopes and dreams for him.