break up advice -2

[LS]

I've been in a relationship for 7 months with a guy that I'm pretty sure has BPD.  After missing a lot of early red flags, about 2 months in he started being emotionally abusive and controlling.  (Raging at me over insignificant things, long diatribes about all the horrible things I do like leaving my razor in the shower, gaslighting).  He repeatedly threatened to break up with me and finally I had enough at the beginning of January and said I wanted to break up too.  I tried to do it 3 times after he got super angry but somehow he always talked me out of it.  Then about one month ago I learned he lied about so many things that he told me.  Some stuff about his past like playing a sport in college and going on various trips. One lie was that he owned a business (and that he went to work there every day).  He made me feel guilty about a lot of things related to his business, including that he spent so much time having to clean up after me / trying to spend time with me that he was neglecting his business and it was losing money.  He told me he lost $10,000  by going to visit my family for over a week during the holidays (I live very far away).  He said that once his business started doing better he would help with me more household expenses.

The biggest problem with just leaving is that about 4 months in we bought a condo.  Everything is in my name (title, mortgage, etc.), but he put a significant amount of money down.

I told him I learned of the lie and that we were not a good match and there was no future and I wanted to break up.  He had a response to everything (e.g., people fall in and out of love all the time).  ANd also said he had nowhere to go and would be homeless and his family would reject him for failing in our relationship because they told him not to put money into the condo.  I've offered to pay him all the money back that he put down once he is out (it's all my savings, but I have a good job and can manage).

He cried and was very dramatic and then threatened suicide and tied a noose in our bedroom.  He kept saying he was going to kill himself until I said I would give him one month to prove himself to me and us stay living in our apartment broken up.

The one month is almost over.  I don't want to get back together with him.  Our entire relationship was built on lies and he tore me down like no one ever has.  I know this relationship is bad for me.  At the same time, I care about him and don't want him to hurt himself.  I recognize that I cannot control whether he commits suicide or not.  And I think it's probably a bluff.  I tried to get him to see a therapist during the month but he has refused and only texts with a crisis hotline (said he needed baby steps).  I'm also just scared of the extreme drama and the not knowing what he will do.

Anyway, I'm terrified of the actual break up and not sure how to handle it.  Any advice or thoughts would be great.

[formflier]

I'm glad you found us.  I'm so sorry about the situation you are trying to untangle and find a way forward for yourself.

Ugg... .double and triple uggg... .

That's quite a story.  So... .he pretended to have a business that was his "job"... but there really wasn't anything?  Did I get that right?  How did you find out?

Before giving too much advice we need to understand your story much better.

Is his name on any mortgage or deed?  Is there any written agreement about the condo?

Basically... is there any piece of paper that says he has the right to live there?  Perhaps a utility is in his name?

While I'm certainly interested in all the answers, the smart move is to see if you can get a free legal consultation.  Explain the apparent fraud that induced you to purchase the property.

There is a legal situation to sort out and a personal relationship.

It sounds like you are having a hard time imagining ever trusting him again... .given the massive whoppers of deception he has done to you.

I'll check back soon for answers.

Best,

FF

[LS]

Thank you.

He told me (and tells all his friends and acquantinces) that he owns a business.  I am actually a lawyer with a pretty demanding job so I’m never home during the day.  I started getting suspicious that other random things were a lie such as we went away to a college on an athletic scholarship (debunked by his Facebook showing he was in state at the time) and other things like that.  He uses the  name of  a business that is owned by someone else.  I looked up out state’s department of commerce records to find he out he doesn’t own it.  He told me detailed stories at the end of the day  about what had happened “at work” that day and complained about his assistant and different things.  Around Christmas he was stressed about having to give all of his workers bonuses, etc., etc. 

January, my work got really busy and he was not supportive at all (the opposite, he yelled and got angry for me coming home late).  He would tell me my priorities were wrong and he sacrificed things with his business for our relationship.

When I confronted him a few weeks after learning the truth, he admitted that he has no job.  He said he gets money from good investments and “moving money around.”  I’ve been paying almost all of our home bills with the promise that he would start helping when is business was back in the black.  He cited very remorseful about the lie and said it stemmed from his new friends that he made last year assuming things about him and he went along with it.  He, however, has not admitted to all the other lies.

His name is not on any of the ownership documents or bills for the condo, but he is registered as a tenant.  We had an unsigned contract that if we broke up, I would pay him the money back when I eventually sold the place or in 10 years if I haven’t sold it by then.  It’s unlikely a court would enforce it since it’s not signed and about real property.  That said, I want to pay him his down payment back.  I never wanted his money and bought the place with him because I thought we would eventually get married, etc.  And I will give him the money when he moves out and not make him wait.  I don’t want to owe him anything. 

The him moving out part is a little more complicated.  By stat law, since he’s a tenant (even though he doesn’t pay rent), he has 45 days after notice.  During the break up, before I agreed to the month thing, I sent him an email confirming it was his 45 day notice to vacate.  So when the month is up, he will have about 2 more weeks.  I’m okay giving him several weeks after to find a place and move out while I stay with a friend.  He doesn’t leave on his own, I’ll have to get a court order for the sheriffs to remove him.  It’s oretty straight forward and I have done it for commercial clients seeking to evict a tenant so I could do it myself.  Obviously, there would be a lot of drama involved that I would rather avoid.

I know that I don’t want to stay together.  It’s not just the deception, he starting treating me really horribly a few months in (no physical violence but lots of anger, yelling, putting me down, trying to keep me from seeing my friends).  I do care about him though.  I guess I’m just scared of the final break up when the month is up and not sure how to handle it.  He always has a response to everything.  I’m sure he will say  that he has been so good and different this month (which so far he has).  He will also make a big deal about how much effort he put into the condo (moving, furnishing) and how he had a good set up before that he moved out of.  I’m wondering if I should bring up the things that he is still lying to me about.  Also, scared he will threaten to hurt himself again.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond!

[formflier]

Hey counselor... .do you have a colleague that can look over your shoulder and validate your steps?

I do quite a bit of real estate and have done many evictions in many states.  I've never asked if email is OK... .but I go for certified return receipt to prove when a demand letter was sent.

Also... I get it you don't want to owe him money... .I would also hope you don't want to be owed money either.

How is he going to compensate you for his fraud.  My guess is you would not have made a large purchase if he was not fraudulent.

So... .what was he actually doing since he isn't/wasn't working?

FF

[LS]

Yeah, good point on the e-mail--I can look into it and ask some colleagues who regularly handle evictions.  Hopefully, just the threat of getting an eviction order and it being a public record would be enough to get him to actually leave (he is always concerned with what others think of him).

I would not have bought such an expensive place on my own, but I like living here and I know I can eventually build my savings back up.  I'm not interested in trying to get anything out of him.  I more just want to move on with my life and be done with all of the drama (which I know will intensify at least for a while with the final break up when the month is up).

So for 6+ months of our relationship when he told me he was working every day he was just hanging out at home, working out, going to lunch with friends... .  He does do most of the cleaning for our place and a lot of the cooking.  He just made me feel so guilty for him having to do so much, but at the same time, I was working pretty long hours (I repeatedly offered to hire a cleaner, which is what I did before him).  Sort of side note, he also repeatedly told me how bad of a mother I was going to be since I would be so absent, etc.  And that because I want to wait a few years to have children (I'm 34) that I will have children that are autistic or have down syndrome and it will be my fault.  It's all those comments / memories (and the fact he is still lying to me on a daily basis) that keep from wanting to get back together even though he is being so much nicer for now.

[formflier]

I would encourage you to not make promises to him about paying him back or making him "whole" or any of that.

Step 1... .get possession and change the locks.
 
Step 2... .let several months go by before even considering trying to settle or pay him back.

You want to make those decisions from a thoughtful place with a rational mind... .not with much emotion involved.

Are you living there with him now?

FF

[formflier]

Looks like some thread splitting is going on.  I'll check back later today so see if you have thought about any of the questions asked.


One broad bit of advice.  

pwBPD (people with BPD) tend to twist and "hear" things that support their worldview, which is often very different than ours (us "nons")

So... .if there is a message that you want them to "hear" make sure that you deliver that message without distractions.

I would find some time to think and rank the messages that are most important.  

Then we can help you with strategies to focus on "just that message"... .being succinct .

So... .let's say "xx march is your move out date" or "I need a move out date prior to xx march" is the message that is most important.  

In that case we would likely advise you to not talk about or engage in talk with him about "therapy", "lies", or almost anything else.

The more issues that get brought up... .the more things he can grab and twist.

Hang in there.  It seems like you are thinking this through.    

FF

[LS]

I am living with him in the condo now (me in our second bedroom).  I think that makes sense about not bringing up stuff that he can twist or that will escalate the situation.  I just have a lot of anxiety over doing the actual break up because from my prior experience, he is not going to accept me saying that I don't want to be in the relationship anymore and try and beg and argue for me to stay with him.  I am also scared that he will hurt himself.  From what my therapist has said, I should say it and get out of the condo as soon as possible.  Do you agree with that strategy?  Maybe writing a short note to leave with him if I do it (saying that I'm sorry and that I care a lot about him and want him to be okay, but that I cannot stay with him because I know deep down it is not the right relationship for me?

[formflier]

  From what my therapist has said, I should say it and get out of the condo as soon as possible.  Do you agree with that strategy? 

So... .right now does he think you are together and just "fine"?

How would he likely describe your relationship?

How would he describe the email "eviction notice" that you sent him?  Is he planning on  abiding by it.

Listen... .what is your goal here.  Possession of your condo, without him in it.  Locks changed... .legal things wrapped up.

So... .what's the quickest way to get him out with the least amount of drama?

Breaking up first... hashing out relationship issues... .leaving notes... leaving him alone in the condo... .all of that sounds like a recipe for DRAMA.  DRAMA=BAD

I would encourage you not to think about "the right thing"... .I would encourage you to be pragmatic.

Try this on.

Don't break up... .ask him to leave and let him know you'll discuss the relationship after you have some space.

he says
"blah blah blah are you breaking up with me... .you hate me... you have flying monkeys... .you ruined my business... you took my money... blah blah blah"

you say
"I can't imagine discussing any of this while the stress of living together is between us"

he says... ."are we together"

you repeat the above.

don't get drawn into explanations... plans... repayment plans... fairness... any of that.

Get him out!

Then... .worry about relationship status.

How does that sit with you?

FF