taking the step

[Feleseg]

OK, I registered as a user and am taking the step of caring for myself by joining a support group for those who are in a relationship with a BP.

I just finished reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" on the recommendation my therapist.

My wife and I have been in therapy for several years now, and working on a lot of communication skills, etc... .but there has been limited effectiveness and progress.

I guess that's not really the case.  There has been a lot of progress in ME changing.  I've learned to control my anger, be more responsible and trustworthy, speak truthfully, etc... .but there hasn't been much progress in the relationship.  She is still critical and reactive and unable to empathize and sees me as the cause of the vast majority of her hurts.

At my last therapy appointment I asked my therapist if there was any book I could read that would help ME, rather than helping her deal with me.  He recommended "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and stated that I should keep it in a brown-paper-wrapper, indicating that it might not be best to let my wife know I was reading it.

Kind of weirded me out, to tell the truth, because one of the things my wife is always pressing for is total-truthfulness, full-disclosure, no lying or withholding.  This is one of her main complaints... .that I withhold things from her.  The therapist has been supporting her in that and encouraging me to not lie and not withhold, so it struck me as really weird that he would encourage me to read the book, but not tell her I was doing so. 

As soon as I realized what the book was about - dealing with someone who exhibits BPD behaviors - I totally understood why it was brown-paper-wrapper worthy.  My wife would throw a hissy fit if she knew that I, much less our therapist, think she has BPD.

Wow... .the last 25 years of marriage and the last 7 years of therapy make so very much sense after reading the book.  My wife very clearly has BPD and I, very clearly have accommodated and enabled her behaviors to my own (and my kids) detriment.

I guess I'm concerned about two things right now (hmmm, getting emotional as I start this post).

One is that I'm starting to grieve a lifetime of losses.  With this new understanding I can see 30 years of conflict and pain and berating that I endured, which I endured unnecessarily.  That sucks

Two is that I'm starting to try to figure out who I am, what I want, what I'd like to do with the next 30 years of my life.  Since I spent the last 30 years doing whatever she wanted to do and being whomever she required me to be, I'm not sure I know what I want... .except to know that whatever it is, it will be a threat to her and so I'll have to pursue it over her objections.

So,

There's my first post.

I'm here and I'm open.

Anybody have words of wisdom for the newbie?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[radoe]

read
I hate you
don't leave me.

No one is perfect.
If your wife does have BPD she needs a safe place to live.

That means, we the other partner has to provide that.

[once removed]

im glad you took that first step, Feleseg. you wont regret it.

As soon as I realized what the book was about - dealing with someone who exhibits BPD behaviors - I totally understood why it was brown-paper-wrapper worthy.  My wife would throw a hissy fit if she knew that I, much less our therapist, think she has BPD.

yes. think of it as another thing to support *you*. there have been countless stories of members telling their partner they thought they had BPD, or even leaving that precise book around. it can be hurtful, and even feel like a betrayal.

Anybody have words of wisdom for the newbie?

dive right in. learn the tools. practice them with everyone you know. not only do they work with everyone, but they really require practice, and authenticity. a common problem is using them robotically, like a script, which will backfire every time.

join in the threads of others. im long out of my relationship, but working with others on this board has taught me so much about human nature and conflict resolution. it will keep you sharp, and in problem solving mode.

so whats going on in the marriage right now? is she seeing an individual therapist, or are the two of you doing joint therapy? both?

[SunandMoon]

Welcome to the boards Feleseg... .it's good that you've taken the first step!

It can be overwhelming when you finally understand what has been happening and that the answer is BPD but it's important to recognise that this is a spectrum disorder - that people can have some of the traits but not all or, at the other end of the scale, show all of the symptoms and behaviours.

One is that I'm starting to grieve a lifetime of losses.  With this new understanding I can see 30 years of conflict and pain and berating that I endured, which I endured unnecessarily.  That sucks
 

Surely there must have been good times in those 30 years and reasons that have made you stay for so long.

Ironically, your wife could probably make the same statement... .

The important thing now, is to learn as much as you can. Click on the "tools" link at the top of the page and work your way through the articles and workshops. There is a wealth of knowledge here and hope - the skills we can learn really do make a difference.

Keep reading and keep posting!

[Steps31]

It's a lot to take in and process, for sure.
Don't rush yourself.

If you lasted 30 years, you must have been doing something right... .
And you sound very coherent in your post, so it at least sounds like you have a strong base within yourself to work from.