He seems to believe that his personal growth should eliminate any reason for you not to be the "ideal partner" for him. Certainly by not adding more conflict to the relationship, he's doing better and you can see and appreciate that. However he's only looking at his feelings in the present, not understanding how his behavior has affected you in the past.
I feel that is right. He's getting better and things are going better, so that in turns means I should be better. The issues I find myself in is that when he asks me regularly how I am doing, I say I'm okay or I'm tired. I say that a lot. Then when he snaps and gets upset about stuff, I feel that I have to say something at that point. That it turns means he gets even more upset that I don't want to talk about things until he's already upset and then I say "see, I don't tell you because you act this way" etc. I admit, I shouldn't do that. I know that isn't a good way to bring topics up that are of difficult nature.
What he doesn't focus upon is that you've been through a lot of trauma in the relationship and in addition, you've had a frightening experience with surgery and cancer. And having a panic attack can be terrifying.
As you know, dealing with cancer exposes our vulnerabilities and reminds us of our mortality. Thankfully you got treatment, but surgery is also very debilitating, both physically and emotionally. So it's no wonder that you're feeling depressed as you recover. I think that would be a common response to what you've been through.
It feels unreal that he expects me to be back up and like myself because the cancer has been taken out and the surgery is over, we have money coming in from taxes, the boat is finally here, we are getting ready to save money. I get it. We are doing better. I feel like the more I say it to myself, I will get better.
As you know, dealing with cancer exposes our vulnerabilities and reminds us of our mortality. Thankfully you got treatment, but surgery is also very debilitating, both physically and emotionally. So it's no wonder that you're feeling depressed as you recover. I think that would be a common response to what you've been through.
What you don't have is a partner who understands just how intense that experience was and how concerning it was for you prior to the surgery, leading up to your panic attack.
I sense that you're someone who is reluctant to show her vulnerability and has always wanted to be tough and strong. How do you think he'd respond if you told him that you need him to have your back right now and that you've been through a really difficult time?
I always prided myself in being resilient. Being able to handle anything thrown my way. I know he is there and would help me if I asked. I just struggle with asking and I told my counselor that. He believes the panic attack was because of my surgery. I told him it wasn't just because of the surgery. I told him that it wasn't just because of the surgery.
How do you tell someone like him that you are having your own difficulties. He got angry that the spark is gone, like I have no life left in me, like I am a walking zombie. He "kind of" saw the spark the other night when we went out and I had a few beers. I messaged him and said I want to be like I was before, but I feel weighed down by worry. The things I worry about aren't burdens, but I feel like I could be doing more, that I could be trying harder. I feel he wants me to be like how I use to when we met. It's exhausting sometimes though.
I think I need to stop worrying so much about what's going to happen if I voice my difficulties or ask for help. It's obvious I can no longer hide it, because now it is affecting me in ways I am not able to control.
