Spouse is refusing to accept my request for divorce

[iamac3]

First post... .

My story is typical BPD/narsassitic.  Been married 3.5 years, issues started 1 week into marriage.  Made a baby on honeymoon so I committed to being the best me i've ever been and am proud of who that is today.  Sadly, it isn't enough for the woman that is the recipient of all I have to give.  I have invested 20+ thousand dollars into treatment over the last 3 years and have ended up in the same place we started with me being the enemy and falling short of meeting her needs as a husband.

I finally filed for a no-contest divorce and presented it to my wife who refuses to accept it, which has to happen in my state for a no-contest divorce.  She stated that God hasn't told her to get a divorce so she will not speak of it until he does.  She is literally pretending nothing has happened.  My only other option in this state is to sue her on grounds.  There are 7 but only 2 apply.  Alienation of affection or psychological issues.

My attorney has put together everything needed, financial paperwork and child custody, both of which I have been exceedingly gracious with.  He said we should present it and ask her to get an attorney.  If she doesn't then he advised he would turn up the heat.  My fear is that when he does, her fear of abandonment is gong to send her into a tailspin.  This I fear mostly for my 2 and a half year old.  She has already cost me my most prized job by telling lies and I'm sure its not the last of her vengeful and impactful attacks.  I don't want to fight her, I love her.  I just cannot be in a marital relationship with her anymore.  And, my child is at an age where the mommy and daddy stuff is going to impact her.

So, in summation, I'm scared and sad.  Thanks for letting me share!

[worriedStepmom]

That sounds really frustrating for both of you.  She doesn't see the problems and so isn't going to give in to a divorce, which means you are stuck.

Has your wife been formally diagnosed with a personality disorder or other mental health condition?  Is that all you'd need to gain a divorce on the grounds of psychological issues?

Many people here recommend reading "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It gives valuable insights in how this process may play out.

If your wife has already proven she will tell lies to interfere with your life, you need to have a plan to protect yourself if she alleges that you've abused her or your child.  It will be very important for you to keep detailed documentation of all of your interactions with your child and your wife.  You need to document how much of the child care you are actually doing, how many doctor's appointments you are scheduling or attending, etc.  Make sure you don't gift too much custody time away, and be wary that if you start too high, you won't have any negotiating room.

[scraps66]

This happened to me.  My L at the time advised just waiting it out and seeing what ex would do.  Well, after a year of waiting and living together, ex finally got a job - and booted me out of the house.  Be the one to make the first move, find out what you can do to force her hand.  Don't wait.  Good advice for anything you need to do with an NPD/BPD.  Try to be the one in control.  For me, my waiting cost me $30k in living expenses and mountains of stress and aggravation. 

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  You have to determine which aspects you need to be proactive in, leaving something important up to her is a virtual invitation for her to grab control.

The problem with waiting (inaction) is that it gives her the power to act, react or overreact, of course to her advantage.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself, your parenting and of course your children.  Priority-wise you have to place yourself and the kids higher on the list, as much as we would wish otherwise as Nice Guys and Nice Gals, sadly she can't get priority.

You cannot risk being "overly nice" or "overly fair" — our natural inclination — because a person disordered with an acting-out PD won't reciprocate.  As was mentioned by the others here, to get a minimally reasonable outcome you will have to have strong boundaries and resist your tendency to be overly fair.  As the more reasonably normal parent, the kids will do better if you have as much parenting as possible.  The sad fact is that many courts still give default preference to mothers however poorly they behave.

As an example, I started out with alternate weekends at the same time I had a Threat of DV protection order in my favor assigning me possession of the house.  For whatever reason, domestic court ignored the pending case between the two parents, she was gifted temp custody and majority time even though she couldn't return to our home.  Go figure.  Two years later I got equal time.  Three more years in court and I became Legal Custodian.  Three more years in court and I got majority time during the school year.  Only then, after 8 years in and out of court, much of my son's early childhood, was her entitlement bubble shrunk a bit.  Your time in court hopefully will be less, my point is that your parenting struggle for the kids' welfare and futures is worth it.

[iamac3]

Well, after reading Splitting and Walking on Eggshells, I was prepared for the worse.  She ended up getting an attorney and sueing me for cruelty.  After doing so they have gone quiet for 3 weeks telling us they are trying to work something out and will get back to us.  She has threatened to call the police on me for absolutely nothing and is pretending that I am now some sort of threat to our child, trying to prevent me from spending time with her.

There is literally nothing substantiating any of this.  If any recordings or videos were pulled, it would show her consitent verbal abuse towards me.  I have several from over the years but needless to say I wish our entire marriage would have been recorded...every single second.

So, I am currently waiting to hear back from her attorneys on a settlement which I am sure will be irrational.  I've decided not to go back home to spend time with my daughter until the settelment or when we can get a temporary custody hearing in front of the judge, whichever comes first.  It is a ticking timebomb.

Taking it a day at a time and praying for a miracle!  Thanks for listening!

[worriedStepmom]

Good luck!

Beware of waiting for her and her lawyers to make the first move.  In many cases, this means the BPDspouse is putting together a plan that will end up putting you at a disadvantage.  Make sure that your lawyer is aggressive  - if your ex is already making false allegations, then mediation and collaborative divorce are not going to be the right tools for you.

I wish you well and hope you can get temporary orders giving you access to your child soon.

[ForeverDad]

Mediation... typically fails in high conflict cases.  At least not at first, she's too entitled and feeling too much in control.  A settlement may be possible later one, as difficult as our cases are, you'd be surprised how many actually do settle, eventually.  Usually it's just before a big hearing or trial.  I had a 23.5 month divorce process, from filing to final decree.  When I arrived at court on Trial Day I was greeted with the news she was finally ready to settle.  Later I learned that her lawyer had warned her she would lose and she could not delay the case any more.  She delayed because the temp order was all in her favor.

Allegations... I lost count of my ex's allegations.  We separated with allegations.  The first was more a complaint but over time they got scarier and scarier with claims of child abuse.  They continued through the divorce and for the following 2-3 years.  They didn't stop until the court agreed I had basis ("Change of Circumstances") to seek full custody.

I agree, "going back home" could be very risky for you, she could try to frame you for some sort or DV or abuse claim.  (Police and courts may even listen to claims of being vaguely "fearful".)  Instead, why hasn't your lawyer requested to her lawyer that you immediately get reasonable parenting time with your children?  Not just an occasional dinner, but real time.  Ask that the exchanges be at a neutral and safe location.  For the first few years my ex and I exchanged at the local sheriff's office with a deputy nearby.  Once you feel assured there aren't likely to be incidents then you could agree to convenient exchange locations such as a nearby park, restaurant or store parking lot, even on the street outside the other's residence.  Caution, she may feel her residence is her "home turf" and get easily triggered, making confrontations a larger risk there.

Beware of another tactic she might use, she might insist you see the children only in her presence as though you need monitoring or supervised visits.  That should not be part of the terms.  You need to cast yourself as a reasonably normal parent, you should not let yourself be painted as a parent of concern.

You should always ask for equal time as an involved parent, but probably get less before there are temp orders.  By always maintaining that you seek equal time it will at least give you basis to seek that before the judge.  Warning, temp order hearings are generally brief, perhaps a half hour so your documentation and presentation needs to be effective for that short appearance.  Temp orders for us (1) can continue for a year or two and (2) can easily morph with minimal changes into a final order.

When I separated my son was a preschooler, so he was always with her.  I didn't see my son for over 3 months during the time we didn't have an order.  If your children attend school, then can you introduce yourself to the school administrators and pick them up from there to have time with them?  The risk is she may flame out and call the police saying you abducted or kidnapped them.  Work this concept out with your lawyer's input.

There is a real risk that if you don't see the children during these first weeks and months that she will feel free to claim to be the Primary Parent and even claim you don't care about the kids.  Admittedly, the first weeks or months can be a free-for-all and she's very likely to actively block your parenting.  You need to have proof you tried to parent but she sabotaged your every reasonable effort.  Have proof, that way you can defend yourself when she predictably claims you're a dead beat dad who wandered away and doesn't are about the kids.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm not the best qualified to answer, and it deserves more thought, but I wanted to add some notes from my point of view.
Don't wait for her to do something, especially something you want and she doesn't.  I have noticed that in my wife's case, she will hear what she wants, how she wants.  And more dysregulation means more of "feelings become facts" thinking.  If you want something, you'll have to drive. 

In your above comments, you mentioned reading "Splitting."  I read it early on in my awakening period that I began to learn about BPD, and divorce.  The book scared me into staying married.  That's probably not the intent, but it was the result for me reading.  A negative effect of greater knowledge can be fear of the consequences.  I have read it another time, trying to build my confidence.  But, I've just remained in this marriage nevertheless.  I've figured out survival strategies to get by, but, I am realizing that marriage is more debilitating than other options - which I will re-examine now.

You are making good contacts in this online group.  Keep up the self-care!