Divorce taking longer than expected

[Nixie_3]

I filed for divorce at the beginning of January. My BPDh did not respond at all until the day of court in which he suddenly hired a lawyer. This is so ridiculous. We have no children, we have no property, and we've only been married for three years. I thought that we would be divorced after that court date. I'm frustrated because I have plans to move and get a new job out of state and I don't want to have to redo professional licenses and drivers licenses several times. Also, my lawyer made it sound like we shouldn't have to go to court again, but it would be very inconvenient if we did for some reason and I had moved out of state. Grounds were declared all that's necessary is some kind of financial agreement and final ruling. How long could that possible take? Can he cause any trouble? There's nothing to fight over and my lawyer said he could threaten him with an order of protection (due to abusive behavior) if he (BPDh) starts to be too unreasonable. Again, I am just so frustrated there is nothing to drag out and he sends me irritating messages that pretty much tell me how awful he thinks I am but then makes it sound like he thinks I should want to still be married to him. I just want to forget him, honestly.

[Turkish]

What are his demands though his lawyer?

[livednlearned]

A pretty common tactic for BPD sufferers is to stonewall and obstruct.

In some states a judge will grant the divorce when the other person does not show up for court. You may want to find out exactly how far along you can get if the other person stonewalls. People with BPD have a hard time letting go and negative engagement, even when it's counter productive, is still a form of engagement. He isn't able to process his negative emotions so he stays in a loop of negative engagement that is better than the alternative, which is to be alone with his feelings in all their intensity.

So we have to sort of do the work of both sides and try to have contingencies even if someone doesn't comply. Some of how that works for your situation will depend on laws in your state.

Are you responding to any of his texts/emails?

[Nixie_3]

Turkish, I don't know that he has any demands. His lawyer agreed to everything when we declared grounds. I just don't understand what could be taking so long. As I said we don't have property or children and our finances are not complicated.

Livednlearned, that does seem to make some sense. I never understand his goals in contacting me (especially when he seems to contradict himself in the same text) sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't. I'm not certain what is best, ignore him or try to talk to him. It just seems like trying to communicate with him rarely works. At one point he seemed quite reasonable and talked about agreeing to everything and hoping we could be friends. I even went and dog sat for him while he was out of town because he seemed so reasonable, but then the court date came and he flipped right back to irrational.

[ForeverDad]

Be thankful too that you don't share children.  While children are wonderful blessings, they are they single largest factor in making divorce complicated and more easily create delays.

Is your lawyer a proactive lawyer with experience in court trials and time-tested strategies?  If you've read Bill Eddy's SPLITTING handbook — recommended even if you don't anticipate acting-out PD obstructions — that's  very crucial to avoid some of the surprises and sabotages.

[worriedStepmom]

It sounds like you need to push your lawyer.  Your L should be able to tell you exactly what is going on, outline the options that your ex has to delay, and tell you what you need to do to get all of this over with.