I met up with her yesterday

[Longterm]

Hi all.

I know I'm a crazy b@stard but I met her yesterday and wanted to jot down my thoughts on what turned out to be a very, very emotional day.

Following her email I continued to leave her alone but over the course of the week her contact intensified considerably to the point where I just thought "what have I got to lose?" So I met her yesterday afternoon and spent several hours with her.

What I saw and what I heard shocked me.

What I saw:
She looks severely ill, she has lost a lot of weight to the point that her clothes were hanging off her. Her hair is a mess, it was blonde at one time but has obviously been neglected. She had no make up on, she wouldn't leave the house without it at one point. Her clothes looked old and in need of replacing. She had literally put no effort in whatsoever before leaving the house, she hadn't even brushed her teeth.

What she said:
She said she cannot sleep, is having panic attacks, night sweats. She is taking anti depressants and diazepam. 2 weeks ago she tried and failed to take her own life.
She said she hates herself for what she has done to us all and does not know how to fix it. She said the bf is history. She said that there is something very wrong with her and there always has been since she was little (something happened that I've not mentioned, and I wont) she knows she hurts those around her, is selfish, has no empathy and does not understand why. She said her life's a mess and she wants her family back, she loves me deeply and does not want a divorce. She said she cannot be alone and she can't get off the drugs. She said she has counselling booked for 2 weeks time and she intends to make the most of the service. She understands huge change is needed but simply does not know where to start.

I don't think I've ever felt more sorry for somebody than what I did yesterday.

Some might disagree with what I said to her but here goes.

I told her she needs to be on her own.
I told her she needs off the drugs.
No alcohol.
Stay at her parents.
Cut contact with the bf.
Give her medication to her mom to monitor.
Stay in counselling.
Begin eating properly.
We are still getting divorced unless she makes changes.

She gave me a hug before she left and again apologised, she would not let me go, I honestly don't know how I held it all together.

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[JNChell]

Hi, Longterm. I can see how yesterday was an emotional one. You did well on maintaining your stance and sticking with your boundaries. It’s often stated here that a pwBPD needs their partner to take the lead in the relationship, much like a child. I don’t think that this is always the case, but it makes sense in certain situations. It’s good that she has become/is becoming aware of who she truly is. That’s where the work on healing really begins, if she follows through. Do you think she will?

We read here a lot about “the mask” falling after the love bombing phase. Maybe what you witnessed yesterday was “the mask” truly falling off a pwBPD and revealing not just to you, but also to herself who she really is. Just a thought.

What are your thoughts moving forward? You’ve told her that the divorce will happen if she doesn’t do what’s necessary to begin to make improvements to the situation. The ball is in her court, and it’s probably a good idea to leave it there and observe what she does with it. I understand that you’re feeling sorry for her, but right now is a time to be focused on wisemind and not becoming overly emotional. She’ll likely provide plenty of charged emotions. I’ll provide a link at the end of this post. If you’ve already read through it, maybe a refresher will help.

Have you thought about posting on the Bettering or Conflicted boards? You might find some helpful direction there. Keep posting about this. We’re here for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[Longterm]

Hi JNChell, if I'm honest, no I don't think she will. She is utterly lost.

Yes I did feel like I saw the real her, something I've probably never seen to that degree. She had obviously been thinking about things for some time and I didn't need to really say much. I think I expected her to sit there and tell me all the things I've ever done wrong but no, she went into great detail about many things, most of the time sobbing uncontrollably.

My thoughts moving forward are that as of right now nothing has changed has it? Yes she's got rid of the bf but he wasn't the problem, the problem is her mental health.

I have been quite busy this week and have moved my plans forward. I have in my bank account the funds I have been working towards and went to view a property last night with the kids. We all agree it's perfect and I have put a deposit on it this morning. With any luck we could be in our new home in 2 weeks.

I was already planning to do what you said, I'm still saving for divorce and the way I look at it is she has 4 months to show me real change. The ball really is in her court.

I will look at your link and the other boards I have just had a very busy day.

[Sandb2015]

Longterm,

I admire your strength, I would not have the "stuff" it takes to do what you are doing.  I also don't have the children to keep the correct attention you have.

Is it detachment with love, without love, just detachment for survival?  If you can share the "rawness" of it, I would be grateful.

I wish my pwBPD did breakdown and reach out so I could run to her and go through "that hell" as opposed to "this hell".

[Sandb2015]

Longterm,

Sorry, they closed the thread on codependency...

I was the codependent poster-child in my rs, with a emotionally and mentally healthy woman as I've experienced in the past, it didn't show so much or was pointed out with compassion and empathy without the feelings of rejection or unwanted feeling.  This one, it became the blood to feed the vampire and the recreation of more blood and so on, the vampire has the best position, they will survive and the host will not.

I think we all have a little bit of codependency potential and pwBPD and/or pwNPD will exploit even a little "not unhealthy amount of codependency" and bring it out, make it huge only to have to wake up underwater, frantically get to the surface, grasp for air and be hit over the head with a buoy over and over by the person who you love only to know the only way to survive and live is to float away.  All without the intentions of doing so of course.

I know, totally misplaced post and I'm rambling, using quotes all the "time" for no apparent reason. 

[JNChell]

You are moving forward and she has 4 months to show some change. That’s more than reasonable. You love this woman. Is the 4 month rule solid in your mind? Is it unmovable?

[Longterm]

Hi sandb.

All of those I guess is my answer.

The love that is there is not in doubt, I know that that's ok even with what's happened. I am a human being, I have thoughts, feelings and emotions. It does not make me weak to love another after being treated so poorly, it makes me aware that I am in touch with my humanity, my compassion and my empathy is evident, I embrace it, it is ok.

The urge to survive is also evident. This woman has the ability to cause me a huge amount of emotional trauma, she will suck me dry and I am very aware of this. It's on me isn't it? She can only beat me down if I allow her to, this goes back to the part I played and self awareness. I simply have to stay switched on, remain firm and maintain firm and healthy boundaries. She needs to remain at arms length whilst I figure this out and whilst she also does the things that need to be done.

Is this all possible? I simply do not know.

As of today, she has asked for my help and the kids have asked me to help her too. I'm not going to hide behind the kids, I want to help her too. So there's 6 of us and we all want me to do what I can for her.

I have told her I cannot fix her, help/support yes, there is no magic wand. She has to seek her own answers and own that 100%.

This hell, that hell, both equally upsetting.

I think when the point is reached that somebody wants to die and attempts to make that reality, things cannot get any worse. Her death is not something I wish for, for me, the kids, or her. We were together through school, we grew up together and experienced so much together, a lot has happened. I am her best friend. As I said I hadn't seen her since Nov 2017 but you would not have been able to tell that there had been that absence when we met. She is very comfortable in my presence, I was her rock for 2 decades and I literally am her go to person in times of crisis, I have always been there for her and I know I can at the very least help her to a better frame of mind.

I know it's FOG, i am aware. My compassion will not allow me to abandon her when that could mean her death, because I feel that that is my reality.

Your post is not misplaced at all and you ramble away, any advice is most welcome. Codependancy is a huge issue here and it is very relevant, this is why I'm keeping her at arms length. I could tell on Friday that there is a barrier between me and her, and it's coming from me. The need to defend myself is overwhelming.

Hi again JNChell.

Yes I am moving forward and although my emotions have been up and down like a yo-yo, I can see that I have been doing a lot better than I thought I had. I have provided for the kids and me a new life, a way forward and I think I should give myself a bit more credit at times, I have done well against the odds.

No, I am still saving and working towards divorce because I need this to come to an end, we all do. The only solution is change.

There is a lot going on. Moving in itself is a huge amount of stress, much to organise in relation to the kids with school etc. I also have new staff at work starting soon and there is going to be changes in regards to how we work, it's going to be a crazy few months.

She has to make changes, I will help where I can but it really is over to her.

[Sadly]

Hi Longterm,
Just wanted to tell you I love reading this, so strong  and positive and determined. Your family are lucky to have you.
Love from Sadly x

[Longterm]

Thank you sadly.

I appreciate your words 

[SunandMoon]

Yes, me too Longterm... it's such a sensible, healthy approach.

You are being strong, putting yourself and your children first, and being willing to help and support as much as you can, without taking on her problems as your own.

I hope she gets the help she needs. I hope that the honesty she's showing now will be the impetus for her to change. Regardless of what she does, I hope you and the kids will be happy in your new home.

With love
SaM x