Tired of the drama and ready to let go of a sister who's always angry

[Nomore4me]

I was introduced to BPD many years ago, and believed that my father suffered from this personality disorder, however, I never considered that any of my other family Members suffered from it.

I'm a slow learner! I'm an instinctive rescuer and caretaker and I have been in therapy myself for many years to learn how to change my behavior when involved in unhealthy relationships.  I have come a long way, but my relationship with the only sibling who lives near me is fraught with drama, anger, and hurt.

 My sister has a difficult life, she has a severely handicapped son and I have done everything I can to help her but nothing I do is ever right and she is either always angry and abusive toward me, or is trying to pick a fight and find fault with me for something. It is a "what have you done for me lately" relationship, and I have worn myself out with this very unhealthy relationship.

I have gone from avoiding her for long periods of time in order to self-protect...  to times of feeling a sense of closeness,  but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is very stressful and hurtful, and I believe she has gone as far as sabotaging my relationship with my daughter.

Yesterday, I finally texted her in response to one of her paranoid, accusing texts and told her I was not engaging with her like this anymore. Unfortunately, there is no way to talk to her about any issues, as her bad behavior just escalates and usually ends up with her abusing me and hanging up on me, so I have found the best way to responds to her texts are just to text back, but to make sure it is clear, simple, and non-confrontational.

However, just telling her I'm not engaging doesn't stop the pain, or my bewilderment with her irrational behavior. I always feel like I'm going crazy! And because my 91 year old mother is here, I do need to interact with her at some level.

Last night I searched for a book dealing with anger on my audible account and found the " stop walking on eggshells" book.

It made perfect sense! But I realize that BPD is very complicated and I also know that I can't change anyone but myself. So I am hoping to learn strategies to "stop the madness" of this relationship - at least on my part. I know I have no control over her behavior.

I am looking forward to learning from all of you!

Thank you!

[Zabava]

I am sorry for what you're going through.  I can relate to your frustration...my uBPD sister has made me feel guilty for years about how bad her life is and she is always angry and bitter.  You mentioned that she tried to sabotage your relationship with your daughter.  Not OK.  What happened?

[Panda39]

Hi Nomore4me,

Welcome to the BPD Family  

You are on the right track, you're right can't change your sister (make her do, feel, think things she doesn't want to) but you can change how you interact with her and that can change the dynamic between you.  

You can learn to understand BPD and what it is, and you can learn new tools and approaches to your sister.  This will likely take time just as it does whenever we learn something new, and it might be uncomfortable for you and her as you learn healthier ways to do things.  Sometimes it can be about getting comfortable with those uncomfortable feelings.

It is okay to make you and your comfort level with your sister a priority...this may take getting comfortable with the uncomfortable because it can be hard to put our own needs before the needs of others.  You are not being selfish you are taking care of you and self care is really important when you have someone with BPD/BPD traits in your life.

You set a boundary when you refused to engage with your sister and boundaries in my opinion are one of the biggest tools in the toolbox.  Boundaries are not about hurting or punishing your sister but are about protecting yourself from stress, verbal abuse, over the top demands etc.



Links to more on Boundaries...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I'm really glad you found us and decided to jump in, there is a lot of information, tools, ideas and support available to you here.  Everyone here has someone in their lives with BPD/BPD traits so we all "get it".  I was amazed when I first arrived and read the posts of other members how similar our stories can get.

Again Welcome!
Panda39

[Harri]

Hello.  I want to join zabava and Panda in saying welcome to the board.  I too am sorry for what you are dealing with but glad that you have found us.

I hope you have had time to read about boundaries (the links Panda gave) as they can help us in navigating a relationship with our BPD family member.  What helped me a great deal in terms of understanding the bewildering and hurtful behavior was to learn more about BPD and how the behaviors manifest and what is driving them under the surface.  It helped a great deal to depersonalize the behaviors.  To realize they had very little if anything at all to do with me and who I am.  My mom was not acting against me so much as she was reacting to her own fears and projections and did not have the ability to regulate her emotions.  Realizing all that did not excuse her behaviors, but, like I said, it helped me to not take things so personally so I could respond rather than react and not be so devastated when my mom acted in what seemed to be very personal ways.

In the meantime, i hope you settle in and reach out and respond in other threads as that can help you build a support network.  Responding to others also helps you organize your thoughts and explore your own feelings about your situation as well.

Hope to hear more from you soon.