I am so done

[Nikolico]

Hello,
I am a 65 yr old woman.  My only daughter has BPD, she is 44, my only granddaughter is now 16. I haven't seen or spoken to either for the last 5 yrs. Not my decision but my daughter's. I have accepted that I lost my daughter to BPD long time ago. She finally took my only grandchild away from me too. My daughter will probably never get help, therefore, I am done trying. I am not even sure it matters anymore.  I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I have accepted the reality. I have been beaten by BPD. Borderline personality disorder took them away from me. No, I am not suicidal. I am just dry done! I am beaten, and emotionally empty. I do feel pain and loneliness because I do remember giving birth to a beautiful little girl who is loved very very much. Then years later I held her beautiful little girl just with that much love too. I want others to know the other side of the BPD victims. I feel like they have become total strangers. I don't know anything about them anymore. 5 yrs is a long time. I sincerely feel that at this point is better for them to stay away, I know I can't keep living like that. I am better off staying like this.  Every time my daughter has done this,  1 yr, or 5, or whatever, I have felt like she puts me in the garbage dumpster, closes the lid, walks away and forgets where she left me. Every single time I have felt the cutting pain in my heart, the darkness of my spirit and my soul, the desperate depression that it puts me in over and over again. Then after a long time,  I start to crawl out of garbage, and clean myself up. I am just done, can't fix her, she won't get help * Again, I am not suicidal,  but my spirit feels dead already anyway.  God keeps me alive.
Thanksfor allowing me to vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Seekinghelp25]

Hi Nikolico,

I am so sorry you are in this tough spot!  It is extremely hard when a family member is with MI. 

As hard as this is, we need to try our best to take care of ourselves.  I think you are making a first step by posting here, and hope can hear more from you.

Hugs,
SeekingHelp

[mjr]

Wow - I could have written this post.  After so many years of abuse you just start feeling like a punching bag.  And you ask yourself - gee am I this terrible person?  I still have some limited contact with my daughter but sometimes I wonder if I would be better off having no contact.  Even though we have had some years where there is only once or twice a year.  two years ago she told everyone in my family I was a terrible mother and would not talk to me for a year.  Just get so tired of the drama

[Mirsa]

Hi Nikolico,

I can completely understand and empathize with your pain and grief.  If you read my posts, you'll see that I have a (gorgeous) 18yo BPD DD who has recently cut me off after I've been her primary caregiver for her entire life, saved her life several times, etc. etc. etc.  

However, I came to realize that this is MY life and my choice in how I live it.  Rather than allow my happiness to be controlled by a willful adult child, I decided to grieve, and then seize my own happiness with two hands.  God gave me one life and I'm going to make the most of it.  For some reason, I was chosen to be her mother, and I did the very best I could to raise and love her.  However, she has her own journey, and as a young adult, is making different choices for herself.  My job now is to continue to be the best person that I can be; to pursue my own happiness; and to work to bring happiness to the lives of others.

I hope you can grieve and process the emotions she generates in you.  I've found journaling to be exceptionally helpful in this regard.  I also use yoga as an emotional release:  something about the twists and turning helps to release the anger and sadness, I'm not sure how it works, but it does.

I hope you can find some avenues that bring you peace and joy.  I've chosen to detach with love, to release her to her own future, and to embrace my own life to it's fullest.  Life is a gift and I intend to treasure every moment of it.

Namaste.

[Huat]

Hi Nikolico

I'm jumping in here with Seekinghelp25, Mjr and Mirsa in welcoming you.

As you can see, it didn't take long for us to respond to your post because it resonates with us (and others, for sure!).  I echo Mjr's comment..."I could have written this post."

I am 75.  My daughter is 52.  My grandchildren, who we helped bring up because of the drama that surrounded their mother, are now 27 and 29.  We are estranged from all 3.  Mind you, in the last little while, the 27 year old has reached out...but then pulls back just as quickly.  Not sure where this is heading but playing it cool with her in that all is "light-as-a-fairy" in our conversations.  No questions asked and no history brought up.

Our grandchildren have different fathers.  Sad as it is, there is some comfort for us in knowing that they not only have cut us out of their lives, they have cut out their fathers and their fathers' families as well.  From an early age their mother worked hard on isolating them.  One would think as they aged they would see the dysfunction in their behaviours but as one said to me a few years back..."I don't like anyone who hurts my mother."  Ouch!

So yes, Nikolico, I know of the pain you write about.  Those grandchildren of ours (our only ones) were the joy of our lives from the minute they drew breath.  Indeed I, not her absent father, was there when the oldest one was born and I witnessed this never to be forgotten miracle.  It didn't take our daughter long to figure out they were going to be her trump cards and she has played the game as such.

I have written in my earlier posts how this whole scenario almost destroyed me.  Our daughter's verbal abuse towards me, her Mom (but not her Dad), has escalated over the years and in counselling I was warned to be vigilant, take care.  That was hard advice to hear and hard to put into practice.  I confess to being a work-in-progress but certainly am not the same person who wrote that first post.  So much of my healing has come about because of this forum...putting my fingers on the keyboard,  pouring out my heart and my hurts and then feeling the support from others.  That is to say nothing about how good it can feel when I reach out to offer support to others...like I am doing with you.

For sure this shouldn't be happening to us grandmothers, Nikolico, but so much better to accept and move on to enjoy the years we have left.   Believe me, there is so much enjoyment to be found!  Life is multi-faceted.

Of course we haven't shut the door on these people we love so much but we set our own boundaries then move on with dignity.  We never get to the point where we are too old to continue on in our role as teacher-to-our-young...we are role-models.

From one grandmother to another...a ((HUG).  Hope to read more from you.

Huat